No days

I’m writing this kinda high… not on my DOC which seems like an important point…

I officially relapsed last week and in between then and now, I’ve gotten high a couple of more times… I should have 9 months today.

The list of reasons I stayed clean this long were numerous, but not endless and not enough… some days it was for me, but mostly not… it was for you and the kid and the cheap rent and the girl and the fellowship/friends and the not being able to because of consequences… I can’t, not I don’t want to.

So am I done? Well fuck… using isn’t changing anything… my life isn’t any better… I don’t have the friends/girl/peace… I haven’t had any consequences (yet)… Currently, I am and still feel alone, and even more so really.

And yet, I can’t say for sure… I didn’t get to use my DOC, which feels like missing out and if I went this far, why not try it once… right?

I’m done for today though…

Can someone remind me of today and that nothing changed for the better by using if I ever say I want to use again?

See? Just me.

Feeling lonely makes me want to use

Feeling alone at the moment and this…

Typing a message to a guy I know to see if he can score. I got to this point before I realized I should do something different.

Fuck this feeling of loneliness… using doesn't bring me friends or cure the feeling… I know it makes it worse ultimately… but it's my go to… my right away go to… my almost and did it go to.

Work thank God just picked up. I hope I can ride this out.

Forever reminded

I’m at Sbux working and I had to choose the table in the back by the restrooms since all the little tables up front are occupied already…

I see me… the one from 7 months ago (222 days ago as I write this)… every time a guy with a backpack walks in and then walks out a few too many minutes later… I know whats up… I lived in bathroom stalls…

I’d walk in looking like I’d be buying something just as soon as I relieved myself and head on back to the restroom, hoping it’d be empty and relatively clean… unpack my shit and do my shot… grateful when it didn’t take for fucking ever… flush like I was actually using the facilities, turn the water on like I was washing my hands, pull down for paper towels like I was drying off… all in case you were out there waiting on me… I had to be as legit as possible…

I’d walk out… gaze downward as my face would show the complete opposite of what it was when I walked in… my eyes would be black af as my pupils opened up and covered my entire eyeball… my eyelids fluttering as any amount of light was too fucking much… it was hard to walk sometimes… so much energy surging through my body…

I would walk past the counter, maybe pulling out my wallet to pretend I’d left my card or money elsewhere… but you knew… I had no money anymore… it was just spent up in the bathroom… I didn’t need your coffee for energy… it wouldn’t even register at this point.

I’d be fine for a while until I wasn’t… then another bathroom.

I still get triggered when I go to bathrooms… stalls in particular cause the most feelings… it was an awful existence yet sometimes, it seems really appealing.


Distraction to action

This is what’s happening… I’ve not been able to shut off my mind for days… maybe longer.  My mind just goes and goes and goes and goes and goes and goes… a few thoughts are revving the engine… always the fuel for the racing thoughts while others bounce around coming and going… actually being more present in the thought cycle and then less so.  They’re either bouncing around like popping popcorn or being agitated like in a top loading washing machine… if that makes sense. 

There are categories of thoughts as well as levels of importance… I think that’s important because I’m trying to organize them… fit them in the appropriate column… I can’t though… they just won’t stay still… maybe they fit into more than one?

Some of the thoughts are the what ifs that come with your perception of me and my self-acceptance and the truth.  Some of them are to dos that need to be done if I’d only just do them.  Some are fantasy about using.  Some are about missing out and loneliness.

I keep staring at my veins… rubbing them… they’re so fucking healthy right now. 

I’ve been distracting myself lately against the thoughts by using FB or YouTube or the news… and it’s not that I’m unhappy or sad, it’s just that in the quiet moments or the moments where I need to be self-motivated, I can’t do enough to feel good about what I’ve done…  no sense of accomplishment… it’s more like, that’s all I can do even though I know it’s not true.  I’m coasting downhill and eventually stopping at the bottom… stalled before my where I need to be.

But this is all in my head I know… I need to make my list and see it with my eyes so my brain can process it better/differently and then my rewards center will kick in when I scratch off whatever… That’s a start anyway… address what I can, remove some of the easy stuff from the jumble and that’ll allow me to concentrate on the rest. 

As I typed that, the worst thoughts came to the front of my mind… it felt like it was trying to get me to type/purge/admit this latest truth… it’s a very strong urge… it’s more about me feeling awful about myself… not a using urge but… fuck it… I don’t want to finish the classes I’ve signed up for and I signed up for them for so I’d have something to talk about and it wasn’t about me but for you… to impress you… and because they’re free classes I don’t feel so compelled to keep trying because it’s not like I’ve wasted any money.  The main thing that bothers me now is that once again, I’m not finishing what I’ve started and because I opened my big mouth to impress you I now either have to finish them or make some other excuse for why not… like a relapse or too busy or any other not very valid excuse but any of them reinforces my own notion of how lame I am.

Fuel to the fire. The distraction is me.  The list will be my action.  This is the mental health side of addiction if you couldn’t tell… 

The list goes in there. I even have a pen ready.



Hi. Finally a little relief from myself tonight. The meeting I went to was good and I heard a lot about people feeling the same as I… hate not being happy, not understanding why, not sharing about not being happy… 
I finally had some relatable friends and I got called on to share and I shared where I’m at: went from yay God to not trusting God to fuck God… and that I’ve been in my head for two weeks now and how long do I sit in the shit before I give up and the only reason I’m clean today is Jackson… and that I’m waiting for him to leave so I can use again… and that I only know happy and sad right now and can’t even name any other feelings at this time… 
It felt good and came out exactly how I wanted it to… no stumbling or code… real shit and people related and came up to me afterwards and said thanks for sharing because they’ve been feeling the same… 
I needed this tonight and whether it lasts past falling asleep, I’m having the longest bout of relief I’ve had in weeks. 

World getting smaller

First of all, fuck your for saying I might as well be using if I’m going to be this miserable.

Second, I might as well be using…

I’m so consumed by these feelings that I don’t want to feel that I’m not being anything. Just a pacing in my cage animal… back and forth… I tried going out this morning, talking to others and failed.

When I’m like this I suck at being… I can’t talk where people know what the fuck I’m talking about… I introduced myself this morning to a new resident and she heard my name as Frank… whatever… I’m fucking whatever.  Add that one to future floods of self-esteem issues to come at me when I need it least… remember your name is FRANK! Ha loser…

So yeah, I can go anywhere, but it might as well be nowhere… I’ll be in my head if you’re trying to find me.

Wearing out the finish pacing back and forth.