Speaker Tape: Dana M.

This one is kinda rough… it’s a hard listen to at certain points… the pain and circumstances she endured are valid reasons for using… to me anyway… I appreciate the amount of self-deprecating humor she includes to help this share not be so depressing.  She takes responsibility of her drug use and consequences and there is so much hope in her story… this one is in my top 5.

I relate to a few things specifically… at one point she mentions not knowing how things work and feeling small.  She said, “I can deal with most things, but the minute I feel vulnerable, all bets are off.”  That’s me… even when I think back to moments in my life where I felt small or dumb in front of someone… that physical sensation of flight/taking off where my stomach turns with shame and embarrassment… of course logically I know everyone makes mistakes, but I’m so worried about my self image and of you liking me, I can’t handle that potential strike against me…

At the beginning she talks about self-doubt and not trusting herself… yeah, thats me too.  It’s amazing how that creeps in and again, rationally, I know its not true, true but fuck me if I don’t have to go a few rounds with myself to push past it…

She speaks about NA and the fellowship and how its the only thing that makes sense to her… again, I relate.  I feel that today… it makes sense to me.

Anyway, these speaker tapes are the meetings in between meetings for me… they help me tap into my empathy for others… they help me stay open-minded and keep me from the self-pity of my musical selection of late.


Trusting a HP

Yesterday I shared at a meeting about me and trust and how I don’t believe or trust in a higher power really… I mean, every morning I wake up and say “Please God, help me.  Thank you and amen.” But I leave it at that…

I realized on my bike ride this morning that my reason for not trusting my HP is not trust at all but not like the answer he’s going to give me when I want to do something… basically, my will vs. his will…

And my insanity is of my own making… the constant analyzing of this and that is me trying to find a way around the right answer or the truth.

I’m accepting a lot of things in my life… my lot, the path I’ve chosen, what I have to do to make it through the day… but I don’t have any gratitude with that acceptance… and I think that comes from my lack of actual and real surrender to a higher power… to the program… to my conscience… the truth and what is right.

For me to totally surrender to my higher powers will, I have to give up the one thing I think I love the most… I will have to face loneliness and very intense feelings… I’ll have to find acceptance from others and my fucking self… I will have to trust in others and my higher power and the process of the program.

I have never been able to fully surrender.  I have never fully trusted my HP’s plan for me.  I keep holding on just in case he doesn’t know what the fuck it is I want ultimately… and therefore, this… various levels of insanity with minimal serenity and something very unlike recovery.

Trust or fear?

My mind isn’t giving me a minutes rest… it’s back in turbo-overdrive-nitro boosting mode.  The way the thoughts are coming at me, I feel like a poorly programmed super computer… analyzing the fuck out of these problems but never solving them.  Does not fucking compute is all I can display on my face.

Today, this morning, I woke up thinking about how I don’t trust people with the shit in my mind… 

but is it trust or is it fear?

If I tell you what’s in my thoughts what the fuck will you think of me then?  How would that change things?  In my mind, it’s pretty much already figured out because I don’t like my own thoughts and memories and behaviors and whether they’re normal or not, they’re wrong to me. I’d rather be something I’m not than who I am right now. 

Not really. 

I’d really rather be rid of these thoughts.

These are the times that active addiction seems like the best plan… my mind quieted… the simplicity of the only goal of being high… it’s the easiest path.  

I know I know I know… I’m not going to use.  I need to find some acceptance in life right now. Acceptance of my accomplishments and my progress and that I have more to work on… I have a responsibility to stay clean today… not just that but to be a better person… to think of others…

I’m here right now and it’s where I’m at. If I don’t like it, then I need to find the best way to change it… to make it better… in my mind I’m hating the word work, like I don’t want to work for this… I want to change but not to work for it… which goes back to just wanting to use which is a magic pill which is fantasy which is giving in/up…

The questions have answers

For the longest I have been sitting in the turmoil of my own doing… questioning the why… wondering the how… pining for the when… analyzing to death the results of my life.  The problem is, and it’s kind of a biggie… I’ve not been truly looking for the answers to my questions… I’ve been waiting for them.

Something has happened this past week… I’ve been forced to do a few things and I’ve experienced some pain and some joy and those have led to some truth and acceptance and trust.

Friday was the first time I’d thought about suicide since my first/last suicide attempt months ago.  I was deep into it and it scared me… the extreme gray heaviness hit fast and I wasn’t prepared… I hadn’t had any thoughts about anything much at all… in fact, I had just left a meeting with my friend and it felt all good… what we talked about though was doing my 4th Step and it was three days removed from my decision on Tuesday.  Minutes later, I was down… crying, walking in circles, I couldn’t leave the property because I was scared and didn’t know what to do… I walked and walked and walked crying the whole time… anyway, I was able to come out of it by reaching out and then meditating and eating and reaching out again… but it left me scared still… the thought of killing myself…

Sunday I went to a meeting that my friend runs and we talked about the promises in the AA Big Book.  That meeting gave me renewed hope… I will discuss them later… but they led to me to keep reading on my own again and more answers to my questions of why, how, when… they’re all there.  What stuck out to me today was this from page 72, Chapter 6, INTO ACTION:

…we have ascertained in a rough way what the trouble is;

To me, this is the high level overview of my problems… I’m getting the picture, but the details are fuzzy.  I need to keep working on them by working The Steps in order to fully understand what the trouble is/are…

I’ve started my 4th Step again and I’m at the point of writing the resentments down for the people, institutions and principles… I’m back at that tomorrow.

There is the matter of trust

I’ve started reading some more and it’s clear that besides fear of… I also don’t trust that whatever you/he/she says… I don’t trust in God and I don’t trust the process.

Reading on irrational fears tonight and what I read sounds like it’s for someone else… all of y’all… not me.

I’ll continue reading…

Look up instability and you’ll see my picture

I am so fucked right now… the decision was made for me to quit using.  I’m on day two and I’ve never felt worse.  I am hunched over, weak, sobbing, weak, weak, weak.  My emotions are extremely extreme one way or the other… middle ground is not a place I can stand.

Today i hate being a fucking drug addict… I have been considered less than a few times this week and fuck them/me if that doesn’t fucking sting.  I’ve got fucking more brains than a lot of people… i was brought up right… i fucking ran a fucking business… i fucking taught people how to make their lives better and no one knows that because all they see is a fucking addict and a fucking addict can’t fucking be smart/honest/courteous/ whatever.  It’s been rough trying to show I have value and can offer this world something.  My self esteem is shot to shit.

The thing is… as I write this… as I fucking sit here and write this… I am so pissed right fuckin now… why am I the one feeling like shit?  I don’t know… don’t let your fucking brain do this to you man… just fucking get pissed and fight the fucker…. you know that logically, it’s not true what you keep saying… you’re not a fucking piece of shit… you got this.  yeah… i got this… just get the fuck out of the house and get the fuck away from everything that you can and just get yourself worn out…. just know that this, right now isn’t reality and that if you can make it through this… if you can trust/not trust your brain…you will have made it.  do it fucking asshole… do it.

Fuck you Jake Berger.  You are a piece of shit.