My morning meditations lately have been a complete mess and anything but what they’re intended to be. I don’t prescribe to the emptying of my mind type of meditation but to the acknowledgement of thoughts and focus on breathing… the problem is my thoughts don’t stop and they’re so rapid that I don’t have time to acknowledge them fully and nicely and they’re usually more negative in tone… I’m left mentally exhausted from meditating.
This morning the same except a thought passed through the rest and it made some sense…. the thought was I haven’t been to therapy in weeks. I went deeper into that thought and realized that I share what I write here with my therapist but the missing part is the feedback from her… the validation of my feelings and the prompting to dig or revisit… reflecting my thoughts and feelings back to me in a way that I could understand and feel good about… using Somatic Experience, I was able to really feel where the pain and joy came from. I am definitely missing that in my life. I understand now how much it all meant to my recovery and mental health.
My therapist isn’t available for a few months… I don’t think I can hold out that long. Not like I’ll use but more in the sense of enjoying my life. Today I will find someone I can work with.
My mind isn’t giving me a minutes rest… it’s back in turbo-overdrive-nitro boosting mode. The way the thoughts are coming at me, I feel like a poorly programmed super computer… analyzing the fuck out of these problems but never solving them. Does not fucking compute is all I can display on my face.
Today, this morning, I woke up thinking about how I don’t trust people with the shit in my mind…
but is it trust or is it fear?
If I tell you what’s in my thoughts what the fuck will you think of me then? How would that change things? In my mind, it’s pretty much already figured out because I don’t like my own thoughts and memories and behaviors and whether they’re normal or not, they’re wrong to me. I’d rather be something I’m not than who I am right now.
I’d really rather be rid of these thoughts.
These are the times that active addiction seems like the best plan… my mind quieted… the simplicity of the only goal of being high… it’s the easiest path.
I know I know I know… I’m not going to use. I need to find some acceptance in life right now. Acceptance of my accomplishments and my progress and that I have more to work on… I have a responsibility to stay clean today… not just that but to be a better person… to think of others…
I’m here right now and it’s where I’m at. If I don’t like it, then I need to find the best way to change it… to make it better… in my mind I’m hating the word work, like I don’t want to work for this… I want to change but not to work for it… which goes back to just wanting to use which is a magic pill which is fantasy which is giving in/up…
This is what’s happening… I’ve not been able to shut off my mind for days… maybe longer. My mind just goes and goes and goes and goes and goes and goes… a few thoughts are revving the engine… always the fuel for the racing thoughts while others bounce around coming and going… actually being more present in the thought cycle and then less so. They’re either bouncing around like popping popcorn or being agitated like in a top loading washing machine… if that makes sense.
There are categories of thoughts as well as levels of importance… I think that’s important because I’m trying to organize them… fit them in the appropriate column… I can’t though… they just won’t stay still… maybe they fit into more than one?
Some of the thoughts are the what ifs that come with your perception of me and my self-acceptance and the truth. Some of them are to dos that need to be done if I’d only just do them. Some are fantasy about using. Some are about missing out and loneliness.
I keep staring at my veins… rubbing them… they’re so fucking healthy right now.
I’ve been distracting myself lately against the thoughts by using FB or YouTube or the news… and it’s not that I’m unhappy or sad, it’s just that in the quiet moments or the moments where I need to be self-motivated, I can’t do enough to feel good about what I’ve done… no sense of accomplishment… it’s more like, that’s all I can do even though I know it’s not true. I’m coasting downhill and eventually stopping at the bottom… stalled before my where I need to be.
But this is all in my head I know… I need to make my list and see it with my eyes so my brain can process it better/differently and then my rewards center will kick in when I scratch off whatever… That’s a start anyway… address what I can, remove some of the easy stuff from the jumble and that’ll allow me to concentrate on the rest.
As I typed that, the worst thoughts came to the front of my mind… it felt like it was trying to get me to type/purge/admit this latest truth… it’s a very strong urge… it’s more about me feeling awful about myself… not a using urge but… fuck it… I don’t want to finish the classes I’ve signed up for and I signed up for them for so I’d have something to talk about and it wasn’t about me but for you… to impress you… and because they’re free classes I don’t feel so compelled to keep trying because it’s not like I’ve wasted any money. The main thing that bothers me now is that once again, I’m not finishing what I’ve started and because I opened my big mouth to impress you I now either have to finish them or make some other excuse for why not… like a relapse or too busy or any other not very valid excuse but any of them reinforces my own notion of how lame I am.
Fuel to the fire. The distraction is me. The list will be my action. This is the mental health side of addiction if you couldn’t tell…