Motives for relapse

There's a homeless guy down the street from my house that I see daily on my way to NA meetings.

I give him a dollar every time I pass and say what's up in case I decide to relapse and need someone to help me score.

I'm building up some good will and I figure it'll help reduce my chance of getting ripped off if I decide to use his services.

I still think like this.
Just gave him my dollar.

Okay… Fine. 

So I planned on not using yesterday to give myself a break and time to think. I ended up scoring again and staying up all night. I had to ride home during rush hour traffic and I took a look at myself before I left.  I look completely methed-out and it’s embarrassing as fuck.

I kept my head down as I rode home, not stopping. My shame in how I look triggered some emotion that opened up a few more guilt trips to travel. 

That thinking and those emotions put me in “I don’t want to live like this” mode.  It’s a glimmer. Don’t get excited.