Needless suffering

This…

This was me for this past 7 months… needlessly enduring mental anguish and suffering daily because of my trying to fight my way through my bipolar issues…

I didn't want to give in… considering it giving up to the medication.

I was relying on my old ways… I was a hard motherfucker (granted in a soft shell)… mentally, most things didn't get to me… my obsession and my family got to me the most, but I endured gobs of pain of all sorts and it was a badge of honor…

Jail, institutions and near death were accomplishments to prove my ability to endure pain… piercings and tattoos the same… accidents on my bike required just a dusting off… the physical pain from cooking meth was part of the cost…

Today I'm happier than I've been in a long ass time… I surrendered to meds and they're working. But as I ride my bike around town… for fucking miles on miles in the sweltering Houston heat, I'm enduring it for the reward of doing it and of the reward for bragging about it which is in effect, about attention. Not totally as I do love doing deliveries on my bike, but I have the skills to do so much more… but that's something else as well. Another part to figure out.

I love the NA literature and it's really been a guide and opened my eyes lately. This is just one more bit of my recovery/discovery I'm excited about.

Love you.

Which feels worse

… the insanity of trying anything hoping that something will change or finally surrendering and moving on?

The constant hope that I’d crack the code led to disappointment and old feelings of not being good enough… like I was close, but some vital bit of me/my personality was missing/wrong/damaged/whatever… that constant hope of figuring that out led me to do all sorts of things and think all manner of terrible thoughts and spend all sorts of wasted energy and time… all because of my lack of self-acceptance and fears of being alone… who am I if I’m not with you?

Finally surrendering… I need a break from the thinking/crafting/scheming/whatever about any and all ways of being good enough… I’m not even someone else, but I’m certainly not myself… I’m no one right now… that sucks. Surrendering should help those old feelings subside in time… lose to win.

Even though I feel like I’ve made the worst decision of my life right now… I’m pretty sure I haven’t…

Insanity feels worse than surrender… things end with surrender.

Today, this was my jam

I was in self-will fully and it caused all sorts of insanity I don’t want to get into here.  Let’s just say though that in the last 24 hours, all of the lame shit listed in the “Just For Today” reading was my recipe for fucking insanity… it took going to a meeting tonight and hearing this reading to know… I shared on my current state of self-will-induced insanity and listened as others shared their experience, strength and hope and I came out with a better understanding…

Fuck… I just want what I want and will manipulate and rack my brain… sadly, I’m no match for my foe and I’ve learned my lesson again… painful still, but not as agonizing.  I have some acceptance right now of my situation… of how things have been worked out… basically, whomever else’s will this was, it wasn’t mine… therefore, it was a power greater than mine… see how that worked out?

So, from today’s reading (The bolded text is me):

Surrendering self-will

Page 184
Our fears are lessened and faith begins to grow as we learn the true meaning of surrender. We are no longer fighting fear, anger, guilt, self-pity, or depression.
Basic Text, p. 27
Surrender is the beginning of a new way of life. When driven primarily by self-will, we constantly wondered whether we’d covered all the bases, whether we’d manipulated that person in just the right way to achieve our ends, whether we’d missed a critical detail in our efforts to control and manage the world. We either felt afraid, fearing our schemes would fail; angry or self-pitying when they fell through; or guilty when we pulled them off. It was hard, living on self-will, but we didn’t know any other way.

Not that surrender is always easy. On the contrary, surrender can be difficult, especially in the beginning. Still, it’s easier to trust God, a Power capable of managing our lives, than to trust only ourselves, whose lives are unmanageable. And the more we surrender, the easier it gets.

When we turn our will and our lives over to the care of our Higher Power, all we have to do is our part, as responsibly and conscientiously as we can. Then we can leave the results up to our Higher Power. By surrendering, acting on faith, and living our lives according to the simple spiritual principles of this program, we can stop worrying and start living.

Just for Today: I will surrender self-will. I will seek knowledge of God’s will for me and the power to carry it out. I will leave the results in my Higher Power’s hands.

I know that if I continue to live like this… in self-will… then I should stop complaining about how crappy things are… it’s crappy because I’m making it so and if I’m not going to change, then I can’t complain… I’m sorry for my behavior today.

 

Trusting a HP

Yesterday I shared at a meeting about me and trust and how I don’t believe or trust in a higher power really… I mean, every morning I wake up and say “Please God, help me.  Thank you and amen.” But I leave it at that…

I realized on my bike ride this morning that my reason for not trusting my HP is not trust at all but not like the answer he’s going to give me when I want to do something… basically, my will vs. his will…

And my insanity is of my own making… the constant analyzing of this and that is me trying to find a way around the right answer or the truth.

I’m accepting a lot of things in my life… my lot, the path I’ve chosen, what I have to do to make it through the day… but I don’t have any gratitude with that acceptance… and I think that comes from my lack of actual and real surrender to a higher power… to the program… to my conscience… the truth and what is right.

For me to totally surrender to my higher powers will, I have to give up the one thing I think I love the most… I will have to face loneliness and very intense feelings… I’ll have to find acceptance from others and my fucking self… I will have to trust in others and my higher power and the process of the program.

I have never been able to fully surrender.  I have never fully trusted my HP’s plan for me.  I keep holding on just in case he doesn’t know what the fuck it is I want ultimately… and therefore, this… various levels of insanity with minimal serenity and something very unlike recovery.

Identity: Depressed

Due to my inability to not show it, I’ve started to say it… come to terms with it I guess… admit it in hopes of changing it… I’m fucking depressed.

It still seems like it’s not a thing I should be concerned by… I don’t trust the signs that this is depression and not a drug related issue… fuck me. Still in a detox-like state… or…

If I would just surrender, fully admit I can never use drugs again, find and trust in a fucking higher power, get a sponsor, work the steps then all my depressive disorders would be addressed and I wouldn’t be a big mess like I am now.

I feel guilty for not surrendering and for outright fighting the notion of working a program… for not believing the literature or other addicts or history… I feel guilty for not trusting you or the process… for not accepting, it seems, my fucking fate…

I fight, therefore I am depressed… not the other way around. Every thought I have seems to bring about a Depressive response… it’s probably not every thought, but my mind is mostly in high gear analyzing and comparing everything to how it fits into a program.

I’m not trying to bash 12 Step programs… hell, I’m waiting for a NA meeting to start now… there is value for me in hearing other people share as it keeps me from thinking I’m the only one… but the fear I have moral inventories, trusting someone with my shit, believing in a higher power turns to guilt for having the fear and not pushing through.

Which leads to depression…?

I’m grateful I don’t want to use right now… I just want the depression to be gone… I just want to be Craig.

That was so two hours ago

I don’t know why I feel the need to keep torturing myself… why be on the verge of losing it all the time… why being so up or so down… I’m punishing myself mentally because I feel I don’t deserve any peace from my past. 

I just finished the evaluation for the recommendation for mental health services. Just the little bit of action and feedback got me to surrender… I’m going to meet with mental health professionals tomorrow morning to get on some medications and start some kind of treatment. 

Its been time for a while… for real. 

Shit goes down the drain.

Serious people, you’ve got me all wrong…

I don’t understand shit… I’m simple-minded… I’m super-fucking-naive… and yet you, you and you and you you you and you keep telling me I’m smart… maybe smarter than you.  What?  Please stop.

I don’t connect things.  I have troubles with correlations… maybe I get them after a while, but often not or not without you saying dude, look, it’s fucking right here…

But yet, I can’t stop analyzing shit to death… I need answers and I need some proof and I need them on my own… I can’t take your word for it.  I’ll take it on face-value, but I don’t truly believe it and it’s in my list of shit to check out on my own later.

This gets in the way of my surrender and acceptance of a Higher Power of which today I don’t believe in… and that leaves me afraid and questioning myself about my ability to do what I want more than anything…

Being clean is a path to my goal… I just want to be a better person.  I want to make up for the bad shit if that’s possible.  I want to be there for you and you and you and you you you…

It was brought up today in meeting with a friend that I might want to investigate a more scientific method of recovery… one with less reliance on a Higher Power… fuck.  Fuck… fuck… I only know the 12 Steps… I know they work for others and 1 through 3 have worked for me before… to a point…

I’ve never been able to surrender fully and totally and with all my heart to God… there are things that I haven’t trusted Him with… relationships mainly, but some work and life decisions too.

Honestly… fucking honestly as I type this right now, I don’t have a desire to use… the closest I get is looking at my veins and seeing them pop out of my skin and thinking back to the struggles of finding them back in the day and missing because these fucking veins would just disappear.  But I know I could hit and hit good and receive the full power of my shot of my DOC… but I think it all the way through… I don’t have the desire to give up what I’ve gotten back as a result of being clean.  Hell, I think about my boy, my mom, my job, my friends… all gone after just a shot.  If I entertain it beyond a minute, those thoughts take over and I roll down my sleeves.

I think about what other situations I might use in… reservations… and my old reasons could still apply… which is where my struggle and want of a HP comes in… He is supposed to help with that.  He can’t.

So I consider will-power… which is the veins scenario… determining the outcome by thinking things through… in my own mind.

And I need support still… friends who know about addiction… and care.

But fear still drives me to be undecided and immobile… more unknowns… more pain… more anger… but maybe if I stay here a little longer and analyze, I’ll understand at some point.

I always have more questions than answers…. more doubt than faith…