8 months clean

I know it's not a normally celebrated milestone, but for me, today, it feels huge to have this much time clean.

It really does work one day at a time and if I don't use no matter what and if I don't quit 5 minutes before the miracle happens… all of the things you hear in meetings are true. They don't always apply, but when they do, they do…

I came close to using so many times during this 8 months. I had all the right reasons to use and yet, with the help of friends, sheer willpower and experience, I didn't use. I was weak and strong at the same time… powerless and power-full…

And I know I'm crazy still… I'm not all there yet… still having my moments of insanity and self-induced pain on the regular… but I'm not regressing by giving in and using… I learning and gaining experience and knowledge and examples to draw from.

My program isn't much most days… what higher power? What steps? What sponsor? What whatever?… but still… I'm doing it and those things still matter to me… I'm getting the most from the fellowship of NA… that friendship of fellow addicts… having friends really is keeping me clean most days. I have less time alone since I have more friends and that's key for me. I am grateful for the fellowship most of all.

Anyway, 8 month today. Living just for today and not using no matter what. Love you.
Blue skies today.

Something new for me

Follow up to my previous post

That one delivery was it and I thank God for it. It was just enough of a break for me to take some time to think… I finished the delivery and then this…

I texted my sponsor and he called me back right away. We talked and I'm worn out from working and feeling lonely because I'm not talking to her and haven't for about a week. So that loneliness turned into alone and separate from the world…

I wanted to use to give me to boost of energy I needed and to give me a connection to her… a reason to reach out and talk… look at what I'll do because of feelings… specifically to not feel the ones that suck.

So my sponsor and I talked and I'm back home taking a break… if I'm tired I need to rest. Similar concept to yesterday's post… no need to suffer if I don't need too… I need to take care of myself.

I'll have to sit through this "loneliness" until the feeling subsides. I can do that. I've done it before.

I have to admit that talking this out… reaching out for help… feels like a real accomplishment and breakthrough in my recovery. Sharing my pain really helped. I could have suffered through it but why? The literature says to reach out and I did.

Love you.

So lame

I hate my sponsor right now. He’s got me working in the lamest shit and I’m not happy about it… doesn’t he know who the fuck I am?

It’s so hard to be humble when I’m doing something I don’t want to do… the more I hate it, the more I become Craig Fucking Flint… Resistor to lame bullshit and all things I find beneath my intelligence.

I want to work the steps of NA and he’s got me copying and pasting answers from a Basic Text workbook instead… I want to do it like I’ve done before and he’s not doing it that way… I want to do it my way.

This task is too easy… so much so, it’s taking me over two weeks to do it… it’s so fucking easy I have this huge resentment towards my sponsor and his sponsor and the people who created this workbook and made it available to everyone… I’m disgusted by how easy it is damnit. 

Did I ask my sponsor anything about how he does things before asking him to be my sponsor?  Nope.  Did I assume he’d just say, “well Craig, you’re obviously super fucking smart and so you should just do it your way and let me know how I can help.”?  Yup.  Arg!  Impulse and compulsive behaviors/thinking strike again.

Do I believe he wants the best for me?  Yes. Do I believe he wants me to find relief?  Yes.  Do I believe he wants me to stay clean?  Of course… 

Will I finish this lame assignment?  Yes.  If only to teach myself some humility and acceptance, I will finish this assignment and trust the process.  

Reading again

I started reading again… “It Works:  How and Why“.  I’m desperate for some relief today and I found a PDF of it on the internet and started reading… and it took me back to a couple of years ago when I was really, really trying this out for the first time and my sponsor, Baer, had me reading from this book every damn day… and I remember reading aloud in my empty house… no one but me in a 2000 sq. ft. home, only a couple of pieces of furniture left and my voice echoing in the living room… I paced back and forth in front of the windows and I’m sure the neighbors knew I had lost it by then…

This book goes deeper than the Basic Text and it took me reading it multiple times for some of it to sink in… “It Works” goes beyond the symptom of my disease… it assumes I know that drugs are an issue, but I have deeper, underlying issues with my addiction… it discusses the obsession and compulsion…

I am obsessed and therefore, I compulse… right?

I read chapter one again, on Step One and I started crying… I had forgotten the technicalities of my disease… it’s simple but it’s not… I was so grateful to be reminded that I suffer from obsession and compulsion, especially after the past few days to weeks…

This paragraph hit me the hardest today, because…

The spiritual part of our disease, the part we may recognize only by a feeling of emptiness or loneliness when we first get clean, is perhaps one of the most difficult aspects of addiction for us. Because this part of our disease affects us so profoundly and so personally, we may be overwhelmed when we think about applying a program of recovery to it. However, we need to keep in mind that recovery doesn’t happen overnight for anyone.

my feelings of loneliness lead me to obsess and be compulsive.

So anyway, I’m in my room, reading aloud as I pace back and forth… it just feels right.

Speaker Tape: Came To Believe

 

I don’t recall if I’ve posted this one before… but today, I can’t listen to music as it brings up feelings I don’t want to deal with today… listening closely to most of my favorite songs, I can find one of two themes:  self-pity or obsession.

So, I have to turn to speaker tapes… this one here applies to my current life.  He talks about wasting years in recovery by not working and living spiritual principles… how he created his own insanity by his behaviors even while clean… how he was a poor example of recovery for others…

I texted my sponsor this morning… I have a new one, in NA and I’m putting him to the test right away…

I need to start the steps. I have a lot of insanity in my life created by my obsessions and i need it to stop.

I believe in a higher power but have been avoiding the topic because his will doesn’t align with mine… I know it should be the other way around.

I have a lot of fear of a lot of things.  I just want to get started so I can move on and be of service and have some self-acceptance and not be so fucking scared.

Part of me is pissed and embarrassed that I have to rely on a higher power to handle my shit… but like I said last night, there is always some fucking higher power handling my shit, whether I like it or not… I might as well make it one of my own understanding.

I have friends smarter than me and using the word god makes me feel weak af.  It’s a pride thing I guess… I care what you think and envy your ability to do it on your own… not rely on an unknown, an intangible.

Anyway, I hope to “come to believe” in whatever power that can help relieve me of my insanity, my obsession, my fears…

I’m not a magician obviously

I keep thinking I have it in me… the word or phrase or action or look or whatever magic to change things… but I’m pretty sure I don’t today.

I don’t want to surrender though… like maybe I haven’t done EVERYTHING and I just need to wait this out… despite the pain and lack of serenity… insanity.

Do you know what everything is? It’s giving up my life in some form or another for someone else… it’s foregoing enjoyment from and caring for others… it’s not living for myself and it possibly includes using… death seems like a drastic statement but maybe not.

I thought today that I need to stop thinking for myself (the irony… I know) for a little bit and run everything by my sponsor. When I’ve complained about not trusting my sponsor, what I really mean is that I don’t trust him to validate my bullshit excuses… he won’t say “yes” I should chase after this girl… he won’t say “yes” to  keep trying to convince her I’m the one.  I’m afraid he’ll tell me to surrender all of my will and if it’s in some master plan for us it will be and in the meantime, I should focus my attention on me and others that want me and/or my help…

I’m afraid to let that happen… my fear holds me back and is fucking up my serenity and recovery. What am I waiting for? If my magic hasn’t worked yet will it ever?

Skirting the elephant in the room

I do not want to do the 12 Steps. At all. I do not trust the process or a higher power… I do not trust anyone… I feel like I’ll choke to death on the words as they come up… I’ve been swallowing my fears and truth for so long… they’ve become this big black mass of gravitational matter… sucking in more and more fear and painful moments.  The bulk of it is feelings of guilt and shame and that’s what I don’t trust anyone with… so it grows.

I keep searching for ways to recover without the steps…  not using is not going to be enough…  

I’ve got an appointment to see about meds tomorrow… or it’s an appointment to make an appointment about meds… I’m hoping that the action of doing something to help will fucking help… some relief from the wanting to use would be a good start.

I sometimes feel like this is a huge risk… the just not using. Like holding on in hopes I snap out of it but the using happens before then. 

And sometimes I feel guilty for trying to find something other than the 12 Steps. I’ve found some relief working them before with a really good sponsor in a really good fellowship… but I didn’t trust my sponsor with that shit… I became fearful and eventually stopped working the steps. I had other excuses but fear is what overcame me.

I’m listless and meh right now. I hate everything.  I want to make things worse. I want to eat ice cream.  I want someone to not say hi to me or to be breaking a rule. 

I don’t want to use as much as I want to fuck shit up. 

Looking up or flat on my back?