Speaker Tape: Dana M.

This one is kinda rough… it’s a hard listen to at certain points… the pain and circumstances she endured are valid reasons for using… to me anyway… I appreciate the amount of self-deprecating humor she includes to help this share not be so depressing.  She takes responsibility of her drug use and consequences and there is so much hope in her story… this one is in my top 5.

I relate to a few things specifically… at one point she mentions not knowing how things work and feeling small.  She said, “I can deal with most things, but the minute I feel vulnerable, all bets are off.”  That’s me… even when I think back to moments in my life where I felt small or dumb in front of someone… that physical sensation of flight/taking off where my stomach turns with shame and embarrassment… of course logically I know everyone makes mistakes, but I’m so worried about my self image and of you liking me, I can’t handle that potential strike against me…

At the beginning she talks about self-doubt and not trusting herself… yeah, thats me too.  It’s amazing how that creeps in and again, rationally, I know its not true, true but fuck me if I don’t have to go a few rounds with myself to push past it…

She speaks about NA and the fellowship and how its the only thing that makes sense to her… again, I relate.  I feel that today… it makes sense to me.

Anyway, these speaker tapes are the meetings in between meetings for me… they help me tap into my empathy for others… they help me stay open-minded and keep me from the self-pity of my musical selection of late.

 

Speaker Tape: Came To Believe

 

I don’t recall if I’ve posted this one before… but today, I can’t listen to music as it brings up feelings I don’t want to deal with today… listening closely to most of my favorite songs, I can find one of two themes:  self-pity or obsession.

So, I have to turn to speaker tapes… this one here applies to my current life.  He talks about wasting years in recovery by not working and living spiritual principles… how he created his own insanity by his behaviors even while clean… how he was a poor example of recovery for others…

I texted my sponsor this morning… I have a new one, in NA and I’m putting him to the test right away…

I need to start the steps. I have a lot of insanity in my life created by my obsessions and i need it to stop.

I believe in a higher power but have been avoiding the topic because his will doesn’t align with mine… I know it should be the other way around.

I have a lot of fear of a lot of things.  I just want to get started so I can move on and be of service and have some self-acceptance and not be so fucking scared.

Part of me is pissed and embarrassed that I have to rely on a higher power to handle my shit… but like I said last night, there is always some fucking higher power handling my shit, whether I like it or not… I might as well make it one of my own understanding.

I have friends smarter than me and using the word god makes me feel weak af.  It’s a pride thing I guess… I care what you think and envy your ability to do it on your own… not rely on an unknown, an intangible.

Anyway, I hope to “come to believe” in whatever power that can help relieve me of my insanity, my obsession, my fears…

NA Speaker Tape

Today I needed to hear this… it helped me reconnect and find my empathy towards others when I started to feel a little down about my own situation.  I can identify with so many parts of this story that it’s been one of my favorites for a while.  I’ve heard it a number of times and it still gets me out of my own head.  I hope you get the same feeling.

NA Speaker Tape and Fear of myself

This is a really good speaker tape…

I haven’t prayed today… I haven’t done much except walk to get my coffee, think about shoving the lit cigarettes the smokers in the hallway keep puffing away on down their fucking phlegm-congested throats (god just fucking quit or die already), and listen to this speaker tape…

I got dressed and ready to go to work, then sat at my bike for 15 minutes wondering what for so I said fuck it and came back to my room.

I couldn’t listen to music because it was only going to get me angrier or more depressed so I put on this speaker tape and it’s got me thinking… that’s a good thing… I hear her speak about finding relief after doing her Fourth Step, but I’m scared…

How can I be so scared to write shit down?  Because I’m scared to look at the unfiltered past/truth.  I already know I have parts, major parts, in most if not all of my resentments… I wish that was enough.  It’s not… I know I know.

I’m ready to shut down… to not be proud of just being clean (boring…)… to fucking go MIA… I need the attention paid to me… I need to be worried about… I need to be sick to be loved… I need you to worry about me so I can tell you to fucking stop worrying about me so I can have a resentment for you putting all this fucking pressure on me… you worry too much therefore I have to use/go MIA.

I know it’s sick/despicable/unproductive/self-centered/selfish/outright mean as fuck.

I’m asking myself in my head right now if I’m really afraid or just want to be sick.  Is it the same thing?  What is my resistance to change for the better?  I have theories on my situation…

I keep getting these short-term bouts of relief from doing nothing… they come in the form of communications from my obsession and they feel good and are addicting… when I’m in control.  I have my way of controlling the doses and I can usually manage them for a few days… but then I say something stupid or she has a moment and I’m fucked and then control is passed over to her… she may or may not know this… that she has the control… it doesn’t even matter… the shitty feeling is there regardless.

But I’m less afraid of this scenario than that of doing my Fourth Step… as it’s been said to me recently, “better the devil we know than the one we don’t.”  I’d rather have this misery with micro-doses of relief because it’s familiar… it’s the devil I know.

Crazy huh?  I could stay clean, possibly, by just not using… but I used for a reason… I didn’t start using because of this reason, but I sure stayed using for this reason… feelings.  Simple fucking feelings.

Ugh.

Walking the weight off

I went on a walk and listened to the previously mentioned/suggested speaker tape, talked to a friend, bought a Whataburger vanilla shake, bought a slice of pizza at Costco, continued walking and as I sit and write this, the weight of depression isn’t crushing my body/soul… I’m sitting up straight, just conversed with someone here at the office and fuck me, I might actually be a little happy…

I think… I will take off now, go home, change into some shorts and ride my bike and ride and ride and ride…  probably… maybe my mind will change but maybe not…

On the speaker tape… please listen to it… listen to it more than once.  It’s relatable to addicts/alcoholics and if you’re not one, you might get a sense of the disease of addiction.

I have some things to figure out… the bike ride will help I hope… re-commit to recovery… for sure.

Speaker Tape: Adam T

I used to listen to this speaker tape back in the day and I forgot about it (of course) until my NA sponsor suggested it to me today.  He suggested it because Adam T. hits on a lot of topics, but specifically, acceptance, which I need to find today.

So take a listen and let me know what you think and if you know of any others, please share them in the comments section.