Forgiving myself

I have this app that I use for my guided meditations.  This one meditation on “Joy” guides me through thinking of joy for myself and then others… 

At the end, when the guide says, “now you may not be feeling joy right now… and that’s okay.” I always start crying… I’m fucking crying right now as I write this…

It is okay… it’s not that I’m not feeling joy… it’s that she says it’s okay to not be feeling it… I dont have to be fucking perfect or thinking a certain way or ready or willing or happy or sad or here for you or whatever… all the things I think I should be/do… I just can’t sometimes… all the expectations I place on myself and the pressure I feel from my own mind is hard to live up to… the shame and guilt and resentments I have about myself about what I’ve done make shit hard… hard to forgive myself for the simplest tiny little things that don’t mean near as much as I feel they do… probably anyway…

Sometimes I feel guilty for being so happy and sometimes feel guilty for being so fucking sad… I think because they take energy away from you… I don’t know.

 But right now… at this moment, I forgive myself for and not feeling certain ways about whatever… for beating myself up… for being ashamed over not doing it right (whatever it is)…

“and that’s okay.”  Love you.

Grateful I can forgive.

Two-fold OR more of the same OR  whatever

I’m in it now… avoiding all human conversation except for “tall drip with room” and “thank you” has allowed me to analyze my current condition… or it’s caused me to walk down the spiral even more… 

It’s like a punishment and a test at the same time…

I’m punishing myself for feeling the way I do… for being in self-pity and for knowing what to do but not doing it… I’m angry with myself for not reaching out… for ignoring you… for staying in the shit because it’s also a test.

This is a test of my own resolve. Like why the fuck can’t I figure out what to do and then do it on my own will fucking power?  I ask for help knowing the answer (hoping though it’s not that one) and somehow you telling me it works?  Why? I generally score very high when it comes to the right answer to my own questions… it’s the enthusiasm and execution in which I fail.

I’ve been back at my house for hours now… laying in bed distracting myself with YouTube and music because the silence is when I start thinking/feeling again.

Where does my will to fight come from?

I did look at the resume issue again and it’s all fear based of course… the part about looking at my past is not that I don’t want to look at it… fucking nope… it’s that I’m ashamed of it.

There is fear around my resume because I don’t know… it’s for an IT company and I feel like I don’t know anything about what they’d be looking for me to do… and no, the fact that I do IT everyday as a consultant and have done IT for almost 30 years does not change my mind that I’m probably waaay over my fucking head every day and any minute the truth will come out that I’m just some dude who keeps getting lucky with shit… I can’t explain what I do, I just do it.  How do I explain that on a resume? 

I’m just not all that confident in my ability today.  And I feel bad because a friend is trying to help and I’m vomiting all over it.  It was the greatest news ever until I got alone and started thinking it through… 

God I could go on and on… that’s my mind/self-pity on overdrive… but writing this out seems a little helpful…

What’s out there for me?

What to call this?

I’ve got one day today… one day that comes at the one week anniversary of the start of my final run.  Fucking final run motherfucker… please fucking do it this time… aren’t you sick of it all yet?. .No… I’m not and that sucks… I don’t want to feel like this…  Get the fuck over it fucker… How much money do you have?… How much dignity do you have?… Fine fuckface… how much shame and guilt and hate do you fuckug have!!!?  Fucking piece of shit.

It’s crazy, but eventually, drugs will make anything not matter anymore.  I really have no concern for the well-being of others or myself… especially myself.

 

Deciding what my priorities are

“My priorities are out of whack”, I say as I sit here at 1:02AM, by myself.  I started to think about the order of importance I place on things or people or whatever.  I was sad that I could only come up with a few things and more so in the order they were placed.

Altered Reality Priorities

Reality Based Priorities

  1. Drugs
  2. Using Partner
  3. Myself
  4. Friends
  5. Family
  1. Recovery
  2. Myself
  3. Family
  4. Work
  5. Friends

The first column is my current list and it is the list of a selfish, self-centered drug addict… I’ve put myself and my using partners wishes (not her wishes, but what I wanted her to wish for…) before that of my family… sadly, even my son.  I’ve had to get all sort of high to suppress that shame/guilt, but I keep doing it and therefore, keep having that shame/guilt come back.  I’ve been obsessed and in love (or something…) with my using partner and it’s caused me to disregard the rest of life and has brought me to this point right here.  More on that later.

The second column shows what I currently see as my new priorities.  Recovery always comes first or nothing else happens.  I am second because I need to work on my issues once I get clean.  It was hard, but I left off my using partner… I honestly don’t know how I will do it, but moving somewhere comes to mind.  That is extreme, but so is my obsession.

Back to my using partner… For the record, it is not her fault that I’m obsessed and in the shape I’m in.  I met her when I had 9 days clean last year and she wanted help with her addiction… I was going to save her and it became my mission to make sure she was as happy as I was in recovery.  I wasn’t happy in my marriage and she came along and we had so much in common.  I became co-dependent pretty quickly and because she was using still and I wanted to be with her, I decided I would relapse, go on a run with her and convince her to get clean after a bit and we’d be happy ever after… yeah, it didn’t work out that way.  I’m still out there and I’m still obsessed.  It’s complicated, but it’s my doing and while I have regrets about doing certain things while in this relationship, there was a lot of positive things that she brought to my life.  She deserves even more of a chance at recovery than I do and thats my hope for her… find recovery and true happiness and a better way to live.

As an addict, I must have some obsession or I’m not a true addict.  So I’m very worried about getting clean and my obsession with drugs moving to something/someone else… especially if I’m not here and not able to connect with her.  It seems obsessing on healthy things is out of the question… otherwise I would have done that long ago I think.

I don’t like what I’m doing now and I should probably get my priorities in order and make the change.

Some sort of explanation, pt. 1

As I sit here, sitting in the shit of being in between use and non-use, I wonder how committed I am to being clean.

I have been using since I was 15 and I’m 46 now.  I had a stint in my 20’s where I got clean after time in jail and treatment, but I never worked the 12 steps.  Eventually I started drinking which eventually led to wanting my DOC and doctor shopping for Adderall and finally back to meth… it’s been on now about 7 years.  I’ve managed a few stints in Narcotics Anonymous and at one point getting 97 days and all of the gifts being clean gets you… well, except for one.

I use for a number of reasons… and I believe that using is a symptom of my disease… a disease that manifests itself in various ways, but mainly in obsessions and compulsive behaviors.

I’ve always been compulsive, never thinking about consequences until they were upon me and even then, I’ve been able to minimize the effects… either by being me (manipulation) or not having anything else to lose, therefore not giving a fuck.  But I was younger and didn’t have a wife, son, home, career, and the other grown-up things I’ve grown to appreciate.

So, whats my fucking deal… right?  Fear of being alone is a huge fucking part of my life that it causes me to act out in ways a normal person wouldn’t.  Like what… like shit I did as a kid that made you like me… even though it felt so awful inside.  Like compromising belief and morals as I got older just be be apart of your group… with a drink or drug available to make the shame and guilt disappear.  I need friends and love and it’s not any easier today then it was.  I have friends and some of them have been close, but I never feel as though it’s next-level… I have trouble putting myself in positions to be asked to dinner or float trips or the things that friends do together.  When I’m clean that is… I can get myself most anywhere if I’m drunk or high, but take away the mask and I’m fucking alone.

That fear of being alone has an antidote.  It’s an obsession and it has some serious side-effects… unhealthy side-effects that lead to consequences that I’m not able to fuck off like I used too.  And I’m not talking about substances…

I need to sit here, in my shit and think for a while…

 

Okay… Fine. 

So I planned on not using yesterday to give myself a break and time to think. I ended up scoring again and staying up all night. I had to ride home during rush hour traffic and I took a look at myself before I left.  I look completely methed-out and it’s embarrassing as fuck.

I kept my head down as I rode home, not stopping. My shame in how I look triggered some emotion that opened up a few more guilt trips to travel. 

That thinking and those emotions put me in “I don’t want to live like this” mode.  It’s a glimmer. Don’t get excited.