I’m not doing enough

This morning the guilt of my distractions has caught up with me… it’s a physical sensation of weakness and poor posture and shuffling feet and eyes gazing downward… it’s the emotional sensation of uncertainty and fuck it and doubt and self-loathing and resentment… you know, all the best ways to start a fucking day.

These fucking veins man… I want to test them out… fill them with magic and change everything about me. 

I’m not doing enough to change this mental health of mine.  My outward appearance has finally cracked as the truth of my mind and not the distraction of FB/YouTube/music/news/my son/friends/etc. sees the light and exposes what’s really going on. 

I knew it was happening days ago when I had to answer how I was feeling in my meditation app… or when I was texted by friends asking how I was… in person without the need for reflection I was perfectly fine if you asked me, but when I had that moment to pause… I wasn’t able to answer.  I mean, I was able to answer, but the truth had to fight past the bullshit that I’d been fronting…

And another sign was that things became a little harder to accomplish… work or reading or reality so I did less of them. I turned to the immediate satisfaction of distraction. And I found happiness there because I wasn’t looking or dealing with me… but it caught up with me as it always does… it being truth. 

I am so scared to confront my shit… the fear of rejection and of being alone… the fear of reliving my past and apologizing for my actions and not finding relief from that… the constant inappropriate or questionable thoughts I have… the skewed interpretations of relationships… ugh. 

Logically, I know I can work through these and I’m probably blowing some of them out of proportion and others have gone through the same things and blah blah blah.  And I’m probably in self-pity mode right about now and that’s not a spiritual principle and whatever… I get it. 

I’m not doing enough. Still… when though?  When it gets too bad I guess. 

It’s my party

Still struggling with self-pity… 

it’s so easy to get into this mode.  It comes mostly in the silence… in the isolation…

Aa I was writing that, clarity showed up…

I was outside waiting for my sponsor when a guy that used to be here where o stay came up and started talking.  He went out on a hard relapse and is looking for help again… I was immediately taken out of self andun support of another addict… he wants to be locked up in a facility so he has to get clean… I told him that won’t work unless he’s willing. I’ve been locked up and either used inside or walked out anyway… it’s about wanting to quit and not using no matter what.

So I spent a few minutes with this guy and it turns out he’s waiting to speak to my sponsor as well… we’re talking and I’m not thinking of my shit but if this guy and the knowledge I can share about my experiences and the hope I can impart and it’s feeling good.

My sponsor showed up and I let them take off and plan to meet with my sponsor tomorrow now… the guy thanks me and I’m feeling the effects of being selfless… confident/smiling/happy/energetic/wanting to do more…

When I invite others into my self-pity party… it becomes more like a get down and boogie party… I’m not the host and the only guest.  You change the dynamic and it feels good.

I just had the experience that you hear about in meetings all the damn time… the therapeutic value of one addict helping another.

Handy reference today.

Self-pity party

It’s impossible to be in self-pity very long knowing what I know… that was the gist of my last post… being clean ruins the party.

I have the ability to recognize when I’m in my own shit… and I have the ability to get out of it…

I was miserable all day for reasons beyond what I wrote earlier… I had a therapy session that I ruined because I knew what I needed to do before it happened… but during the session, I was fighting logic and rational thought… I wanted to be sad and miserable and have these reasons and get a little sympathy and yet not let this person help me… I was gonna suffer damnit!  Why bother?  I’m a mess/wreck… I’m hopeless/fucked… I keep doing this… It’s clear I can’t be helped…

Ahhhh… but I can be if I want to be.  And I do… I don’t like the feeling of self-pity… the laziness of it all… so I made a mental note to do one thing different today…

I walked to my mandatory house meeting… which got me outside for a few minutes and interacting with others… then I spoke to a few of them and one mentioned a meeting and possibly needing a ride to which I committed myself too… and that boosted me a bit…

That person didn’t need a ride after all but I went anyway… got lost but kept at it… and sat down to listen and the topic was self-pity and everything was made clear… 

I even shared about what I was doing and it helped… I wish I could remember all the great things others  said about self-pity, but I can’t but they helped. 

And tomorrow is another day… I can stop with the sugar, get back to the meditation and gratitude list… I don’t have to live by today results… I am actually pretty fucking stoked that I turned this party out. It feels amazing. 

My first real food of the day… no sugar.

Fucking amazing

Folks… I can feel the difference… physically, emotionally and spiritually feel the difference in my every minute… 

I didn’t use when I really and so fucking close wanted too… when I was one step away from a transaction… money in my pocket and connection at the ready… I didn’t do it…

At a NA Speaker Jam yesterday, I heard the exact reason I had for not using… the experience this person explained thank God went through my mind and I avoided it… he explained his story in which, his thought about using made perfect sense right up until he did, and as soon as he used, he knew… he knew it was a terrible decision and the guilt and shame came on… I was able to foresee that same event when I wanted to use not too long ago…

Not using and sitting through some hard feelings and self-inflicted pain finally led to feeling like I wanted something different.  I did stuff I didn’t want to do and tried not making things worse and I’m here now, grateful and happy af… like I’ve been this way for days upon days now and it feels fucking amazing.  

And what keeps happening now is that I’m of right mind and spirit to help others and I’m of help… like real help… I was able to help my mom yesterday with some feelings she had… the son helping the mom with life… yes!  And then being outside myself and meeting people yesterday, I found an opportunity to volunteer possibly doing some harm reduction help at a non-profit super close to my house… and today I was able to talk to my son about an uncomfortable topic and help him understand what the deal was and why it was important to learn from it… and then, I get a text from my friend… and because I’m not so wrapped up in my own self-pity, I called instead of texting… I feel that confident I’m being able to listen… really listen and make suggestions… turns out, she and I have similar shit and little did she know, she was blowing my mind… as we continued talking, she thinking I’m helping her and I know she helping me, she said the exact thing I needed to hear…

I heard it because I’m open-minded to new ideas and willing to get out of myself and help someone else today…

That comes from being clean still… not giving up… 

and it feels fucking amazing. Love you.  

My favorite photo of the day.

Two-fold OR more of the same OR  whatever

I’m in it now… avoiding all human conversation except for “tall drip with room” and “thank you” has allowed me to analyze my current condition… or it’s caused me to walk down the spiral even more… 

It’s like a punishment and a test at the same time…

I’m punishing myself for feeling the way I do… for being in self-pity and for knowing what to do but not doing it… I’m angry with myself for not reaching out… for ignoring you… for staying in the shit because it’s also a test.

This is a test of my own resolve. Like why the fuck can’t I figure out what to do and then do it on my own will fucking power?  I ask for help knowing the answer (hoping though it’s not that one) and somehow you telling me it works?  Why? I generally score very high when it comes to the right answer to my own questions… it’s the enthusiasm and execution in which I fail.

I’ve been back at my house for hours now… laying in bed distracting myself with YouTube and music because the silence is when I start thinking/feeling again.

Where does my will to fight come from?

I did look at the resume issue again and it’s all fear based of course… the part about looking at my past is not that I don’t want to look at it… fucking nope… it’s that I’m ashamed of it.

There is fear around my resume because I don’t know… it’s for an IT company and I feel like I don’t know anything about what they’d be looking for me to do… and no, the fact that I do IT everyday as a consultant and have done IT for almost 30 years does not change my mind that I’m probably waaay over my fucking head every day and any minute the truth will come out that I’m just some dude who keeps getting lucky with shit… I can’t explain what I do, I just do it.  How do I explain that on a resume? 

I’m just not all that confident in my ability today.  And I feel bad because a friend is trying to help and I’m vomiting all over it.  It was the greatest news ever until I got alone and started thinking it through… 

God I could go on and on… that’s my mind/self-pity on overdrive… but writing this out seems a little helpful…

What’s out there for me?