When life catches up

Fuck life right now… fuck my past using especially… specifically fuck the consequences of my using…

Fuck Webster Bank and fuck their legal representation…

Fuck the IRS and MT State…

Fuck them all for making me think of my past and for interfering with my life as I experience it today… fuck them for ruining my serenity… fuck them for limiting my choices and closing in on me…

Feeling trapped by my decisions… trapped by my actions… my world seems really small right now…

No… fuck you Craig. This is life on life's terms and you can't avoid reality forever… for long… remember your new fave line in the Basic Text? "Reality and life go on whether we choose to accept them or not"… that's this right now…

Here's another of your highlighted faves… "for some reason, not taking care of our personal affairs lowers our self-esteem and establishes a pattern that repeats itself in all areas of our lives."…

It's not even life on life's term since you haven't been living it like that… you've been avoiding and only doing what you want… not what needs to be done… and now what needs to be done is waaaaay the fuck beyond your ability to deal. But you gotta deal and not be a pussy.

So… sorry your past is so littered with your own financial destruction… it's caught up and it's time to figure this shit out. Not shut down. You're going to have to deal with your wife and feelings and resentments will happen… you'll have to compromise and accept and surrender and be willing… you'll have to be timely and responsible and a fucking grown up.


The past and the present

In a meeting

Why don't I want to be here? There is an actual feeling of not wanting to be here… it's in my stomach and chest. I'm trying to commit myself to being here by sitting next to someone and read one of the readings… be accountable and be seen if I try and escape.

I feel resentment…

Towards me and the meeting. Me for not doing what I really want to do and the meeting for being so happy whether I'm here or not…

I did this today though… I'm sharing about it… trying to figure it out and I was reminded it's okay that just staying clean can be good enough…

That helped for sure… waiting for this… ugh… meeting to start.

So lame

I hate my sponsor right now. He’s got me working in the lamest shit and I’m not happy about it… doesn’t he know who the fuck I am?

It’s so hard to be humble when I’m doing something I don’t want to do… the more I hate it, the more I become Craig Fucking Flint… Resistor to lame bullshit and all things I find beneath my intelligence.

I want to work the steps of NA and he’s got me copying and pasting answers from a Basic Text workbook instead… I want to do it like I’ve done before and he’s not doing it that way… I want to do it my way.

This task is too easy… so much so, it’s taking me over two weeks to do it… it’s so fucking easy I have this huge resentment towards my sponsor and his sponsor and the people who created this workbook and made it available to everyone… I’m disgusted by how easy it is damnit. 

Did I ask my sponsor anything about how he does things before asking him to be my sponsor?  Nope.  Did I assume he’d just say, “well Craig, you’re obviously super fucking smart and so you should just do it your way and let me know how I can help.”?  Yup.  Arg!  Impulse and compulsive behaviors/thinking strike again.

Do I believe he wants the best for me?  Yes. Do I believe he wants me to find relief?  Yes.  Do I believe he wants me to stay clean?  Of course… 

Will I finish this lame assignment?  Yes.  If only to teach myself some humility and acceptance, I will finish this assignment and trust the process.  

I’m not doing enough

This morning the guilt of my distractions has caught up with me… it’s a physical sensation of weakness and poor posture and shuffling feet and eyes gazing downward… it’s the emotional sensation of uncertainty and fuck it and doubt and self-loathing and resentment… you know, all the best ways to start a fucking day.

These fucking veins man… I want to test them out… fill them with magic and change everything about me. 

I’m not doing enough to change this mental health of mine.  My outward appearance has finally cracked as the truth of my mind and not the distraction of FB/YouTube/music/news/my son/friends/etc. sees the light and exposes what’s really going on. 

I knew it was happening days ago when I had to answer how I was feeling in my meditation app… or when I was texted by friends asking how I was… in person without the need for reflection I was perfectly fine if you asked me, but when I had that moment to pause… I wasn’t able to answer.  I mean, I was able to answer, but the truth had to fight past the bullshit that I’d been fronting…

And another sign was that things became a little harder to accomplish… work or reading or reality so I did less of them. I turned to the immediate satisfaction of distraction. And I found happiness there because I wasn’t looking or dealing with me… but it caught up with me as it always does… it being truth. 

I am so scared to confront my shit… the fear of rejection and of being alone… the fear of reliving my past and apologizing for my actions and not finding relief from that… the constant inappropriate or questionable thoughts I have… the skewed interpretations of relationships… ugh. 

Logically, I know I can work through these and I’m probably blowing some of them out of proportion and others have gone through the same things and blah blah blah.  And I’m probably in self-pity mode right about now and that’s not a spiritual principle and whatever… I get it. 

I’m not doing enough. Still… when though?  When it gets too bad I guess. 

World getting smaller

First of all, fuck your for saying I might as well be using if I’m going to be this miserable.

Second, I might as well be using…

I’m so consumed by these feelings that I don’t want to feel that I’m not being anything. Just a pacing in my cage animal… back and forth… I tried going out this morning, talking to others and failed.

When I’m like this I suck at being… I can’t talk where people know what the fuck I’m talking about… I introduced myself this morning to a new resident and she heard my name as Frank… whatever… I’m fucking whatever.  Add that one to future floods of self-esteem issues to come at me when I need it least… remember your name is FRANK! Ha loser…

So yeah, I can go anywhere, but it might as well be nowhere… I’ll be in my head if you’re trying to find me.

Wearing out the finish pacing back and forth.

So… Life

Good morning… I’m coming out of it it think… I’m certainly not feeling as awful as I have been the past few days.  

My very, very good friend sent this to me today

Thanks Katy… I am so glad you’re a part of my life.

I had already been thinking about this when it arrived via messenger this morning.  Other friends who have reached out to me have said similar things over the past few days…

I know I tend to analyze things to death and maybe that’s wrong but I’ve got two thoughts on this past and probably previous episodes of mine… maybe one begets the other?  

Fear is what I think started this last bout of whatever off.  Fear of the unknown and of not being accepted and not being good enough and etc.  Once I became fearful, unhappiness followed.

If I’m unhappy, then something is wrong… that’s what my mind tells me… unhappy feelings are difficult to process and are uncomfortable to be with.  My range of emotions/feelings is so limited still and I start to beat myself up for being unhappy and for not understanding why I’m unhappy and get down in myself for not getting out of it and it gets worse and worse. 

My unhappiness and not understanding it turns to resentments towards you and your happiness, success, or actions… and mix that with the previous fear and I’m essentially fucked… again, in my head I’m fucked. 

I have to be reminded we all go through these feelings AND live.  So thank you for all of the reminders friends. I know I write about these things like I’m dying and it’s the worst thing ever… well it is when I’m in it.  I write about what I’m going through. Every time I write, I get some relief… and when you reply or comment, I know I’m not alone… thank you.  I love you for that.  I really do love and appreciate you.

The best part of waking up.

Fucking resentments 

Im looking at you now…

I’ve crossed over from feeling fearful to feeling resentful… no longer am I worried about me but what you’re doing… to me.

These resentments make me dwell on the facts (ha!)… have me obsessed on the details… cause me to relive and feel the past… not even the past past, but since yesterday and the day before… 

but the recent ones always lead to older ones and they build and build upon another and the other and they’re all fucking connected.  Somehow… 

The connection is me.

I’m resentful at 12 Step programs… at not being able to handle my shit… at you for still using… at you for checking in on me… at you for not checking in on me… at god… at this shithole where I stay… 

My fears which lead to disappointment lead to to this state of ultimate resentment so I have somewhere else to lay blame when shit doesn’t work out.  It’s not new or unique to me… lots of addicts do this.  Ugh… saying that makes it seem so stupid now.  Of course I know what happens… if I don’t get my shit together, I’ll use… it’s seemed like a nice option for a few brief moments these past few days… I know what it’ll bring though, using, and it’ll be shit and fucked and I lose more/again.

But it’s these moments where it’s like, what the fuck?  What the fuck? Seriously… what the fuck?

Wrong again.