Speaker Tape: Came To Believe

 

I don’t recall if I’ve posted this one before… but today, I can’t listen to music as it brings up feelings I don’t want to deal with today… listening closely to most of my favorite songs, I can find one of two themes:  self-pity or obsession.

So, I have to turn to speaker tapes… this one here applies to my current life.  He talks about wasting years in recovery by not working and living spiritual principles… how he created his own insanity by his behaviors even while clean… how he was a poor example of recovery for others…

I texted my sponsor this morning… I have a new one, in NA and I’m putting him to the test right away…

I need to start the steps. I have a lot of insanity in my life created by my obsessions and i need it to stop.

I believe in a higher power but have been avoiding the topic because his will doesn’t align with mine… I know it should be the other way around.

I have a lot of fear of a lot of things.  I just want to get started so I can move on and be of service and have some self-acceptance and not be so fucking scared.

Part of me is pissed and embarrassed that I have to rely on a higher power to handle my shit… but like I said last night, there is always some fucking higher power handling my shit, whether I like it or not… I might as well make it one of my own understanding.

I have friends smarter than me and using the word god makes me feel weak af.  It’s a pride thing I guess… I care what you think and envy your ability to do it on your own… not rely on an unknown, an intangible.

Anyway, I hope to “come to believe” in whatever power that can help relieve me of my insanity, my obsession, my fears…

Give in to relief?

My mind is so fucking clouded right now… it’s dark and good thoughts cannot find the light.  I feel like everything I do is wrong or going to be wrong.  I’m tired and unmotivated.  My confidence if shot to hell and I’m afraid.  I don’t trust me or a higher power or you.  I am slumping/drooped/slow…

I’ve had a few moments of hope that brought about some energy and motivation… I was able to capitalize on them thankfully, but it’s like that came at a cost… I’ve slipped further down.

I’m really fucking unhappy.

Within all of the clouded and jumbled mess of my thoughts that never settle and become legible, there is one… the one… thoughts of her are all day long and the most cohesive and solid.  She’s on the tip of my tongue making a mess of my conversations with others… the last thing on my mind affecting my dreams… the first thought of the morning when I wake…

I want to be made happy by her… I have to make myself happy though… I know this, but it all feels so fucking fake this shit I’m doing… the movements of each day are so fucking forced and hard… I want to give up and ruin everything to be with her… god, even for a second I want to give in to her for some relief.

I’m resigned to being this way for now… not like I’m not trying to get happy, but there doesn’t seem to be much else except to keep doing what I’m doing… go to meetings, keep sharing, keep trying to get on medication, keep taking advantage of the moments of clarity and hope…

Skirting the elephant in the room

I do not want to do the 12 Steps. At all. I do not trust the process or a higher power… I do not trust anyone… I feel like I’ll choke to death on the words as they come up… I’ve been swallowing my fears and truth for so long… they’ve become this big black mass of gravitational matter… sucking in more and more fear and painful moments.  The bulk of it is feelings of guilt and shame and that’s what I don’t trust anyone with… so it grows.

I keep searching for ways to recover without the steps…  not using is not going to be enough…  

I’ve got an appointment to see about meds tomorrow… or it’s an appointment to make an appointment about meds… I’m hoping that the action of doing something to help will fucking help… some relief from the wanting to use would be a good start.

I sometimes feel like this is a huge risk… the just not using. Like holding on in hopes I snap out of it but the using happens before then. 

And sometimes I feel guilty for trying to find something other than the 12 Steps. I’ve found some relief working them before with a really good sponsor in a really good fellowship… but I didn’t trust my sponsor with that shit… I became fearful and eventually stopped working the steps. I had other excuses but fear is what overcame me.

I’m listless and meh right now. I hate everything.  I want to make things worse. I want to eat ice cream.  I want someone to not say hi to me or to be breaking a rule. 

I don’t want to use as much as I want to fuck shit up. 

Looking up or flat on my back?

Relief

(TEXT TO A FRIEND)

Hi. Finally a little relief from myself tonight. The meeting I went to was good and I heard a lot about people feeling the same as I… hate not being happy, not understanding why, not sharing about not being happy… 
I finally had some relatable friends and I got called on to share and I shared where I’m at: went from yay God to not trusting God to fuck God… and that I’ve been in my head for two weeks now and how long do I sit in the shit before I give up and the only reason I’m clean today is Jackson… and that I’m waiting for him to leave so I can use again… and that I only know happy and sad right now and can’t even name any other feelings at this time… 
It felt good and came out exactly how I wanted it to… no stumbling or code… real shit and people related and came up to me afterwards and said thanks for sharing because they’ve been feeling the same… 
I needed this tonight and whether it lasts past falling asleep, I’m having the longest bout of relief I’ve had in weeks. 

Because… forgiveness

Fuck dude… I was brought to a newer level of appreciation for the wisdom of my friends (which I keep saying I don’t have)…

I got a call this morning from a friend who was excited about my trip to Missoula.  We were talking and the topic of my son came up and she was happy that he and I are getting to spend time together and it was clear he loved me…

Back in the day, when I was using and 100% into me only, I forced him out of my life.  I put his well-being in danger numerous times and all I knew was that this kid was getting in the way of my using and doing whatever the fuck I wanted to do… ugh… having him in my life was a burden… I had a resentment toward my own son basically for being alive and for loving me.

Up until this morning, I figured I had done irreparable damage to him in some way and I was holding this grudge against myself for doing so.  It would eat me alive forever…

But my friend, wise as she is, said I can forgive myself for what I’ve done and it’s clear my boy has forgiven me.  And right then, I said aloud that I did forgive myself, that it’s okay because I’m doing whats right… now.  Fuck as I type this if it isn’t hitting me again… That relief I felt… the clarity of my future… the weight of the past… in an instant my life felt different.  Forgiving myself… what a concept.

The thing is, people have been telling me to forgive myself for years, but it’s never been effective… never have I been able too.  I guess it comes when it comes.  I love my boy so much.  I’m sorry for everything I put him through.  I am grateful that he wants to be a part of my life.  I am also grateful for the friends I keep saying I don’t have…

I’m working on it.