Secrets and intimacy


Today's J4T is right on… I'm not talking about secrets about what I've done, but secrets about what I want in a relationship… and how I want to be in a relationship. I'm afraid to say what because I'm afraid to lose you.

I get so far until this shit comes up then you stop learning about me… you'll never know all of me… the relationship becomes a lie from that point. I know it… I don't know if you do or not.

I want to know everything about you but not tell you everything about me. I'm not ready for this today… which is why I need to stay out of romantic relationships for sure. Why start off or continue in a lie? I love you too much for that.

Love you.

Struggling with this question

Do you find it difficult to figure out why you’re feeling a certain way?  And when you do it’s because you don’t want to admit why you’re feeling that way?

I asked that of a friend last night… and it’s not the question I’m struggling with but the fucking answer.

I’ve not totally surrendered my will and I don’t totally trust that my HP will figure things out on my behalf…

I’ve figured out when I don’t want to answer a particular question, I pile on all sorts of additional questions about whatever hoping to avoid the ONE… and it’s not a question dumbass… you’ve established that… it’s a fucking answer… more specifically it’s a truth…

Fuck me I need a million distractions today…

I don’t dig much right now

  1. not happy with my inability to buy my son a Christmas gift
  2. tired
  3. worn the fuck out
  4. hate the sbux barista
  5. missing my bike
  6. not happy with my sponsor
    1. i need more from him
    2. because I’m a baby
    3. because I have no skills in the game of life
  7. hate that I complain instead of praying to my HP for help
  8. hate that I don’t remember to apply the steps to current issues until I’m complaining about not doing them and then it takes a fucking lot more effort to get the fuck out of my funk
  9. not happy that I feel/think I need to be loved by an attractive female
  10. hate that I can fall in love so easily and that I’m so fucking ready to disregard myself/my morals/my values/my integrity/my clean time
    1. that I’ll disregard theirs
    2. that I even call it love
      1. ha!  it’s obsession you piece of shit.
  11. not digging addiction/obsession/compulsion
  12. coconuts/kale/pajamas in public

I had to make it twelve.

To you two

I am so fucking sorry for my posts about you and how you hurt me and all the other bullshit that I didn’t take any responsibility for.

Ultimately, it was my preference to be a victim and put myself in situations that I could find something to create a resentment about… and ultimately, post about… which made me feel good because it made you feel bad… that is so fucked up.

I am a better person for knowing each of you.  I understand more about myself because of you.  These past few weeks have been some of my most reflective and you have helped me find the strength to consider making my life better.  You two are amazing and I hope my stupid fucking posts showed more about what a fucking dick I am and what tolerant people you are for hanging out with me.

I appreciate you both, love you to death and apologize forever for what I said and did.  I hope you can forgive me.  Maybe this’ll help…

Three Best Friends…

Sense and insenibilities

So… I posted yesterday that I hate people, except one person in particular, which we all know who I was referring to.  After I posted that, still hating people, I told a member of NA to fuck off after he tried to give me a hug at Walmart and if you looked at me you would be dealt with… I was pissed…

Here’s why… I was more pissed at myself for being in that situation… a situation of having no money, being too big a pussy to call my guy and ask for a front and for being a dick to my wife at the end of the NA meeting I had just attended… yeah, I didn’t mention that, but I went, cried, heard some really powerful shit I needed to hear and then fucked it up with resentful thoughts and immature behaviors… I’m stupid.

After my last post, ms. impeccable timing sent a message that she had sent before I posted saying, “lets hang out.” Do you know what that did to me?  It reduced the pain I was feeling… I wasn’t angry anymore, I had my energy back… she was the shot I needed… fuck if that isn’t a drug, I don’t know what drugs are… I had the energy to ride home, fix dinner, take the dog for a walk and generally be happy… until the next message from her, “woah I just read your blog”… with my reply being, “yep”

Earlier in the week, I received a text from her saying she and the other girl were surprised at how well I had gotten over the issue of being FUCKED OVER and I chuckled to myself that obviously they had not read my blog lately…

She went on to say what I was saying was “kinda fucked up” “but obviously I get it” and I explained myself  and it finally turned to her true feelings… the feelings that she can’t face… that I’m writing about her life and I should stop.  I summed it up saying that she should give me something else to write about and that this is my life.  Then I called her a baby and a cunt and said buh-bye.

Then I sent her boyfriend a text telling him to check out my blog.  I need more readers… oh, and don’t mess with me while I’m detoxing… don’t break my heart… don’t continue to fuck with me… time to move on.

I honestly hate writing about this… but it’s part of my total addiction/life and if it’s not drugs, it’s this kind of crap.  I’m showing just how fucked up my life is and what I get myself into and the people I associate with as part of my addiction.  Yes, I’m airing dirty laundry and making my case, but it’s all part of what I’m dealing with now…

I haven’t used since Tuesday…

It was “one punched hole in the wall” bad

So I’ve been totally out of my mind today/last night… trying to work through the obsession that is my using partner… I mistakenly got my expectations up and a scenario in my imagination of us getting the last hit and time in…  we always get back to hanging out though it’s been trying the past month and I should have expected this…

I know I called this off the other day after being stood up again, telling her and a new friend that I won’t talk about right now except to say, shes on a run and I want to say more, but that’s another post possibly.  Again, I want/need to be done with these two and I tried twice already and got sucked in right after calling it off… I kind of expectd that to happen here, but…  from my using partner…

I miss you and I will always wish things worked out better for us. I’m very sorry that I’m incapable of the integrity required to maintain any decent relationships at this time

Then she goes offline… I freaked… really and didn’t want what I wanted after all… punched a hole in the wall, paced, and thank god for my dog… I took him for a walk and played that statement through… she’s fucking trying to get me to feel sad for her, but fuck that.  I finally recognize her tactics and know damn well, I wouldn’t get the girl…

Got to get back to work, she can try her magic on another today.  buh-bye.  She will be put off by only punching the one hole… not worth it to me…nope.  k.

Me vs.Me

I am obviously a big fan of me.  I am obviously not a fan of me.  Me rules, me drools…

Not that I need any more fans, this guide should help you decide which team you’re on, Team Me or Team Me.

Team Me:

  • Honest
  • Trustworthy
  • Caring
  • On-time
  • Excellent at creating opportunities for growth
  • Knowledgeable in technical subjects
    • Fast study in less familiar subject
  • Makes the best out of bad situations

Team Me:

  • Dishonest
  • Cannot be trusted
  • Cares only about Me
  • Consistently late
    • May not show up at all
  • Excellent at ruining opportunities
    • Special attention paid to those that took more time and skills
      • Typically ruined within first week
  • Cannot problem solve
    • Creates more problems
  • Creates the worst situations
    • If one cannot be created, will find one
      • If one cannot be found, will imagine a worst situation

These are some of my reasons for choosing one or the other teams.  I hear you… choosing one sucks, but just like that vampire movie that was the werewolf movie… you had to choose between a brooding, cranky, pale, dark-eye-circled creature that sucked the life out others OR an upbeat, generally well-liked, healthy-looking creature that ripped others to shreds.  DISCLAIMER:  I never read or watched the movies I am referring to.  I’m pretty confident in my descriptions and there you go.

Folks, I am confessing that I am part of both teams, but currently, I am fully invested in the Team Me that no one wants to associate with… too vague?  Seriously… using drugs as I do and losing control of everything I want/need to control totally pisses me off.  The more I lose my grip of reality, the tighter I hold on to irrationality.  I notice it becomes harder to apologize… to not say that one last thing… I will be heard… I become increasingly spiteful and enjoy my subversive revenge… Interesting factoid:  to be a member of Team Me, I must be able to cause severe emotional stress/decay using just words AND I must feel immediate remorse/regret.  Without the immediate remorse/regret, Team Me can’t gauge the effectiveness.  Now you know.  (Won’t say sorry right away though, if at all.  That’s a pussy move reserved for Team Me)  Finally, being on Team Me ultimately results in it being a one member team… hat’s the Team Me way.

I’ll be working on defecting to Team Me right away.  I don’t like the way I feel and act and the remorse/regrets are piling up.  I don’t know how long it’ll take and if Team Me even wants me.  I know more people on that team, I just need to play it cool.  I have been invited to try out and I was doing well until yesterday and today… I kind of fucked it up… I am working late tonight to make up for it (just like every other time) and try to charm the team a bit (which is not what Team Me does so they’ll probably see right through it…)

So, I need to get busy.  On the count of three… one… two… three!

What happens when you’re on Team Me and you act like a dick.