Fear to change

There is no rational reason for this last relapse…

I keep trying to explain it to people… the reason why and none of them get it… that must mean there’s nothing to get…

But again, as I sit here thinking about getting and staying clean and what I need to do to do it, I’m paralyzed by fear…

  • Of being alone
  • Of not getting what I want
  • Of change

Ugh… nothing changes if nothing changes.

Complacency is my jam lately

In my post last night, after thinking about it on my walk home, I realized I'm getting complacent… things are easy… sorta kinda… and that lends itself to me slacking off…

Things are good because I'm making money, I have friends, I'm getting to do what I want… and I don't do what I don't want to do… there's the danger… that's it.

There are things I don't want to do… deal with life on life's terms… steps, resume, past financial issues, family stuff… so I don't and I sweep them under the rug and everything is fine…


This complacency dam will hold only so long… relapse-mode will start to form cracks and eventually spill over into my daily life and insanity floods everything… metaphorically speaking of course (ha!)

The question is though… how do I not be complacent? That's a stupid question in actuality but not in my head… I feel like complacency will win until the dam holding back the insanity/relapse breaks again.

Dam relapse

Motives for relapse

There's a homeless guy down the street from my house that I see daily on my way to NA meetings.

I give him a dollar every time I pass and say what's up in case I decide to relapse and need someone to help me score.

I'm building up some good will and I figure it'll help reduce my chance of getting ripped off if I decide to use his services.

I still think like this.
Just gave him my dollar.

Recovery and relapse

I had a friend relapse yesterday and this morning I am reading chapter 7 in the NA Basic Text. My old sponsor used to have me read it every time I relapsed or whenever friend I cared about relapsed.

It is an amazing bit of writing. The last paragraph on page 80 is me… in fact I’m all over this chapter.

It wasn’t enough to see my friend coming down from a three day binge on meth… I knew I didn’t want to be in that same position but reading this chapter is reinforcing that I was in fact about to go out. All the signs were pointing to a relapse for me.

I’m writing this even before I finish the chapter… I’m only on page 81 and I had to stop reading because I felt a spiritual experience come over me. The answers are truly in the writing and I just need to refer to it more often.

SIDE NOTE:  Hanging out with this guy yesterday was so good for me… it was the reminder I needed of the consequences of using… sure, it can be fun and all of the things I keep thinking it’d be, but his condition after a three day run was sad… super-twitchy and unable to sit still, feeling guilty and ashamed, hungry and tired…  I was grateful I could be there for him and even more so for the IRL experience of the downside of using… the fucking come-down.

My new favorite page.

Skirting the elephant in the room

I do not want to do the 12 Steps. At all. I do not trust the process or a higher power… I do not trust anyone… I feel like I’ll choke to death on the words as they come up… I’ve been swallowing my fears and truth for so long… they’ve become this big black mass of gravitational matter… sucking in more and more fear and painful moments.  The bulk of it is feelings of guilt and shame and that’s what I don’t trust anyone with… so it grows.

I keep searching for ways to recover without the steps…  not using is not going to be enough…  

I’ve got an appointment to see about meds tomorrow… or it’s an appointment to make an appointment about meds… I’m hoping that the action of doing something to help will fucking help… some relief from the wanting to use would be a good start.

I sometimes feel like this is a huge risk… the just not using. Like holding on in hopes I snap out of it but the using happens before then. 

And sometimes I feel guilty for trying to find something other than the 12 Steps. I’ve found some relief working them before with a really good sponsor in a really good fellowship… but I didn’t trust my sponsor with that shit… I became fearful and eventually stopped working the steps. I had other excuses but fear is what overcame me.

I’m listless and meh right now. I hate everything.  I want to make things worse. I want to eat ice cream.  I want someone to not say hi to me or to be breaking a rule. 

I don’t want to use as much as I want to fuck shit up. 

Looking up or flat on my back?


The speed at which my mind can “go there” is a sign of just how weak it can be… this text exchange just happened:

The couple of minutes between my “?” and the response was consumed with I don’t really like H but I’ll do it and how much time before I have to show up for some place and how much money do I have… only then did my son and the probable guilt and shame and clean time thoughts followed… I was ready to do it before I wasn’t.

Slight disappointment followed the reply about it being a mistake… yep…

Today has been more meh than not and look at me… this isn’t to say I was going to actually do it, but it’s disturbing to me still… I’m imagining the insanity if indeed this wasn’t a drill… like if my friend actually was signalling to me… that insanity of the insanity… the okay, I’ve got to plan this shit out and the speed in which it would need to happen and the amount of variables I would need to figure out and inevitable frustration of how I’d be pressed for time and racing against my guilt… trying to beat it before it grew too much to convince me not to do it…

The power of one letter…

It’s my party

Still struggling with self-pity… 

it’s so easy to get into this mode.  It comes mostly in the silence… in the isolation…

Aa I was writing that, clarity showed up…

I was outside waiting for my sponsor when a guy that used to be here where o stay came up and started talking.  He went out on a hard relapse and is looking for help again… I was immediately taken out of self andun support of another addict… he wants to be locked up in a facility so he has to get clean… I told him that won’t work unless he’s willing. I’ve been locked up and either used inside or walked out anyway… it’s about wanting to quit and not using no matter what.

So I spent a few minutes with this guy and it turns out he’s waiting to speak to my sponsor as well… we’re talking and I’m not thinking of my shit but if this guy and the knowledge I can share about my experiences and the hope I can impart and it’s feeling good.

My sponsor showed up and I let them take off and plan to meet with my sponsor tomorrow now… the guy thanks me and I’m feeling the effects of being selfless… confident/smiling/happy/energetic/wanting to do more…

When I invite others into my self-pity party… it becomes more like a get down and boogie party… I’m not the host and the only guest.  You change the dynamic and it feels good.

I just had the experience that you hear about in meetings all the damn time… the therapeutic value of one addict helping another.

Handy reference today.