Recovery and relapse

I had a friend relapse yesterday and this morning I am reading chapter 7 in the NA Basic Text. My old sponsor used to have me read it every time I relapsed or whenever friend I cared about relapsed.

It is an amazing bit of writing. The last paragraph on page 80 is me… in fact I’m all over this chapter.

It wasn’t enough to see my friend coming down from a three day binge on meth… I knew I didn’t want to be in that same position but reading this chapter is reinforcing that I was in fact about to go out. All the signs were pointing to a relapse for me.

I’m writing this even before I finish the chapter… I’m only on page 81 and I had to stop reading because I felt a spiritual experience come over me. The answers are truly in the writing and I just need to refer to it more often.

SIDE NOTE:  Hanging out with this guy yesterday was so good for me… it was the reminder I needed of the consequences of using… sure, it can be fun and all of the things I keep thinking it’d be, but his condition after a three day run was sad… super-twitchy and unable to sit still, feeling guilty and ashamed, hungry and tired…  I was grateful I could be there for him and even more so for the IRL experience of the downside of using… the fucking come-down.

My new favorite page.

A “Death Sentence” for People Who Use Drugs

Our single most vital tool for ending the overdose crisis isn’t naloxone, or buprenorphine, or syringe exchange – it’s Medicaid. Medicaid is the most important source of health care financing and delivery for people who use drugs. It’s the crucial cornerstone to reinventing a system to deliver harm reduction, mental health, and recovery supports; treat hepatitis C and HIV; and build out supportive housing, diversion, and reentry programs to keep people safe from harm.

Source: A “Death Sentence” for People Who Use Drugs

The SHAIR Podcast

I really enjoy this podcast.  It’s full of experience, strength and hope and I really like the format Omar has created as it helps create some consistency between episodes.  He interviews people with different addictions and, especially powerful to me, those affected by addiction… like the family members that loved us no matter what.

I’ll start posting my favorite episodes and if you have other suggestions, please leave me a comment.

Check it out:  The SHAIR Podcast

Update to making my mom cry

So I was aked by a friend last night…

first of all…why you yelling at your mom😮

This came a few hours after I posted and had time to ride and reflect and figure out where things went wrong…

We’ve made up and we figured out that she and my sister aren’t telling/asking me stuff for fear of upsetting me and me relapsing. I told her that doing that has the opposite effect and when I find out like I did today, it makes me want to use out of spite.

She’s been holding back and afraid to tell me that if I use again, she has to cut me off and she has been so scared to tell me… I told her that it’s exactly what I need to know and that not telling me is like not letting me hit my bottom and protecting me like she has forever. I told her that she’s told me and now she’s relieved of that burden and I accept her decision and if I do use, she now has the power to say, ” remember when you had 18 days and I said to you…?” She said it was a relief to hear me say that.

Having a burden/thoughts/feelings like that has kept me sick for so long…

I need to know what I’m up against or what beauty I have in front of me… the truth isn’t always ugly… it can set you free as well.

**this goes for everyone**

If no one tells me anything and tries to protect me, then how do I gain the experience to handle shit when it really hits the fan?  The original issue that started this was so little that had I relapsed because of it… well, lets just say I was looking for any reason and getting a hangnail would have been an excuse… and it got bigger than it should have been and look… 19 days today… still clean… I made it through.

Test me… ask me tough questions… tell me the sad things… tell me things you want me know… what do you expect from me… what are the consequences… I love the truth more than I love getting high… I fucking promise you that… I love solving problems and working through shit (I may complain or feel overwhelmed or not even know how to do what I need to do, but I will figure it out, make it through and be better for it)…

When you don’t tell me the truth or try to protect me, you are denying me an opportunity for growth in my recovery.  Please, don’t do that.

What if my plan really does suck?

I just had a conversation with my family and I really need to gain some understanding of what they’re going through.  

I have this plan and to me, it sounds like no other plan would even need to be discussed. It’s based upon previous discussions, personal history/experience, and newly discovered information… combine these, and really… it’s my formula for my successful recovery.

Additionally, I hate answering questions about why I use when it’s all laid out right here.  You all know why I use… right?  Have you read my blog?  Seriously…?  Okay, you’re right… I can’t really explain why I use in any meaningful way… a way in which I can convince you that my plan mentioned above will work because it’s based upon my understanding of why I use.  Which I’m hoping to figure out soon…

So why the fuck do I get so pissed off when someone suggests another avenue of getting clean?  Their motives for asking are more pure than mine are for not wanting to answer. They care and they want the best for me and they know what they know and have no reason to trick me into something so horrible… like rehab…

I am still trying to control things and I am coming across as an ungrateful dick. I don’t want to be locked up if I can avoid it. I have a desire to not focus solely on recovery for recovery sake… I want to get be the working, productive, things to do, people to see guy that does cherish all that recovery has afforded him… I don’t want to delay that by being in a facility that determines how good I’m doing based upon my group participation and Family Day.  Wow… I have issues. 

I want to be clean and to handle my addictions in a more positive/productive way. I want to go a minute without thinking of my using partner and acting compulsively when an obsession hits me. What do I need to do… what am I willing to do… what the fuck will you do when you’re told the exact opposite of what you expect to do?

So if I don’t really know why I use, can I really be certain that I know the best way to recover?  Fuck no.  I am willing to let others handle that… as long as they’re a professional in the field of recovery and are not affiliated with any recovery facility.