H

The speed at which my mind can “go there” is a sign of just how weak it can be… this text exchange just happened:

The couple of minutes between my “?” and the response was consumed with I don’t really like H but I’ll do it and how much time before I have to show up for some place and how much money do I have… only then did my son and the probable guilt and shame and clean time thoughts followed… I was ready to do it before I wasn’t.

Slight disappointment followed the reply about it being a mistake… yep…

Today has been more meh than not and look at me… this isn’t to say I was going to actually do it, but it’s disturbing to me still… I’m imagining the insanity if indeed this wasn’t a drill… like if my friend actually was signalling to me… that insanity of the insanity… the okay, I’ve got to plan this shit out and the speed in which it would need to happen and the amount of variables I would need to figure out and inevitable frustration of how I’d be pressed for time and racing against my guilt… trying to beat it before it grew too much to convince me not to do it…

The power of one letter…

NA Speaker Tape

I needed this one today… it really reinforced the notion that it’s my program and I need to do it for me and if it takes N+i years (where = any number and i = infinity), then so be it… if I’m going to do it (recovery), I’ll do it… and guilt and shame on how quickly it should be done/by which method are not motivating factors… whether the guilt and shame are external or internal, real or imagined.

I relate to the drinking but really wanting to use… how I really have a problem with feelings… the distractions of relationships… pressures of life… envy and anger…

Today… currently… I don’t know how much I want to do this… this being recovery.  Hmmm… I want to be clean, but it’s the recovery that scares me.  It’s the mental health issues… the reasons why… the history… the secrets… telling the truth.

I do know that using will make things worse and I’ll be more miserable than even my most worst days clean… I have my really terrible, shitty and all the way down there moments… the question my sanity/reasons for doing what I’m doing… but I’m not making it worse by using.

Fuck, you could sum it up as having hope… hope and potential for better.