When life catches up

Fuck life right now… fuck my past using especially… specifically fuck the consequences of my using…

Fuck Webster Bank and fuck their legal representation…

Fuck the IRS and MT State…

Fuck them all for making me think of my past and for interfering with my life as I experience it today… fuck them for ruining my serenity… fuck them for limiting my choices and closing in on me…

Feeling trapped by my decisions… trapped by my actions… my world seems really small right now…

No… fuck you Craig. This is life on life's terms and you can't avoid reality forever… for long… remember your new fave line in the Basic Text? "Reality and life go on whether we choose to accept them or not"… that's this right now…

Here's another of your highlighted faves… "for some reason, not taking care of our personal affairs lowers our self-esteem and establishes a pattern that repeats itself in all areas of our lives."…

It's not even life on life's term since you haven't been living it like that… you've been avoiding and only doing what you want… not what needs to be done… and now what needs to be done is waaaaay the fuck beyond your ability to deal. But you gotta deal and not be a pussy.

So… sorry your past is so littered with your own financial destruction… it's caught up and it's time to figure this shit out. Not shut down. You're going to have to deal with your wife and feelings and resentments will happen… you'll have to compromise and accept and surrender and be willing… you'll have to be timely and responsible and a fucking grown up.


The past and the present

Happy Fucking Fathers Day

I’ve got issues… something in me from way back is fucking with my Fathers Day.

It makes me so fucking mad that at 47 years old I still have this unresolved feeling… how can I still be so fucked up about my dad?  Why do I care that he wasn’t around when I was growing up?  I was loved and taken care of still…

Fuck me… as I wrote that… I realize that the love I was given be everyone else didn’t matter as much as the love I was missing… I blew everyone off and discounted their feelings for me as I missed/longed for the love/affection/attention of my dad… and I do the same today.  I give so many people the finger as I search/long for/live for/die for the love/affection/attention of those not giving it to me.

When I wrote my 4th Step out, I was just going to write “he’s a dick” because that’s how I was feeling… but it got much deeper than that and my feelings involve abandonment, feeling unloved, feeling unlovable, feeling less than, feeling unwanted… I have real world experiences to back up my perceptions… Shit gets real when I think too much about them…

God… during my darkest days using, I can only imagine what my son must have been feeling… I was putting drugs and the lifestyle and other people and everything before him… my friend Christa even said as much… she saw that I was being my dad and that I was completing the cycle and that my son would be dealing with the same issues… but I was so selfish and obsessed that I couldn’t care about that… I hope… I think I’m breaking that cycle today.

I do not know if I want to fix anything with my dad today… I think about him dying before I get a chance to try and work on things, but then I get mad at myself for giving him a second thought… My sister talks to him and it seems so inconceivable that she would… it does not compute for me… I don’t have that level of control over my feelings right now… I don’t know what my dad was thinking back in the day… he probably has his own issues he was dealing with and may have been doing the best he could with what he knew… that’s the level of forgiveness I have for him right now…

I do not want him to die without shit getting resolved… I do not want to live like this for the rest of my life… I do not want to be an old man still feeling abandoned by his dad and wondering and living a life of what if… today though, I’m just not there, not ready, not wanting to face that past and resentments.

 

 

Skirting the elephant in the room

I do not want to do the 12 Steps. At all. I do not trust the process or a higher power… I do not trust anyone… I feel like I’ll choke to death on the words as they come up… I’ve been swallowing my fears and truth for so long… they’ve become this big black mass of gravitational matter… sucking in more and more fear and painful moments.  The bulk of it is feelings of guilt and shame and that’s what I don’t trust anyone with… so it grows.

I keep searching for ways to recover without the steps…  not using is not going to be enough…  

I’ve got an appointment to see about meds tomorrow… or it’s an appointment to make an appointment about meds… I’m hoping that the action of doing something to help will fucking help… some relief from the wanting to use would be a good start.

I sometimes feel like this is a huge risk… the just not using. Like holding on in hopes I snap out of it but the using happens before then. 

And sometimes I feel guilty for trying to find something other than the 12 Steps. I’ve found some relief working them before with a really good sponsor in a really good fellowship… but I didn’t trust my sponsor with that shit… I became fearful and eventually stopped working the steps. I had other excuses but fear is what overcame me.

I’m listless and meh right now. I hate everything.  I want to make things worse. I want to eat ice cream.  I want someone to not say hi to me or to be breaking a rule. 

I don’t want to use as much as I want to fuck shit up. 

Looking up or flat on my back?

gchzzzz gchzzzz

So my mind is telling me to shut down… to stop talking to you and that it’s better to go on alone because… all of the becauses.  There is always more than one.

I felt this coming on starting last week… Like a movie where the protagonist is jolted to another glimpse of another life for a second and he starts to understand his past through millisecond visions… I have them too… but mine are like electrical shocks (gchzzzz gchzzzz) and fuzzy black-green flashbacks of just a few months ago where I was using and miserable… sometimes they go further and remind me of embarrassing episodes in my life pre-dating my using… getting caught picking my nose, being rejected by the girl after building up the courage to ask her out (via note… couldn’t even do it face to face), introducing someone and forgetting their name… sometimes the jolts flood my mind with feelings of self-doubt and worry and my own prediction of the future which is never very worth trying for…

What’s happened since late afternoon yesterday is that a real reality came on and is making me face things again… things like doing a resume which is forcing me to look at my past and I don’t like looking/thinking/feeling the past… uh, yeah… that gap in time from being a business owner to now?  Drug addict.  Why did I sell my business?  Drug addict. Why should you believe that I won’t go out and use again?  Or get so depressed again that I can’t work?  Good question.

I’ve also felt a little like I’m slacking off in my recovery… I’ve stalled on my 4th Step… not good.

I’ve been trying to distract myself with other activities and helping other addicts and being with my son and family and those help… they bring immense joy and serenity to my life… gratitude abounds mostly… but that’s where the jolts come in… right in the middle of joy (gchzzzz gchzzzz)… and I know.

But I avoid… and this happens.  I’m in Extreme Quiet Time of the worst kind.  This is my only communication.  And I’m in between rational and irrational right now… I know what to do but don’t want to do it… I’m in that fracture of realities. 

I’m really good at holding walls up.

Ugh… I so do not want to do my Fourth Step

Here’s what I have so far…

4th Step… Coming soon?

I knew when my sponsor was telling me what to do/how to do it I wasn’t listening… I heard it for sure, but the words were not comprehended.

That’s probably why they have this great example in the AA Big Book on how to do it and the format and everything, but my mind is telling me (me telling me ?) that I don’t get it… I should wait until tomorrow and ask my sponsor again.

I absolutely do not want to look back at my resentments because I ultimately will be looking back at my part… where is the sand?  I just want to avoid and hope for the best.

I know I know…