Needless suffering

This…

This was me for this past 7 months… needlessly enduring mental anguish and suffering daily because of my trying to fight my way through my bipolar issues…

I didn't want to give in… considering it giving up to the medication.

I was relying on my old ways… I was a hard motherfucker (granted in a soft shell)… mentally, most things didn't get to me… my obsession and my family got to me the most, but I endured gobs of pain of all sorts and it was a badge of honor…

Jail, institutions and near death were accomplishments to prove my ability to endure pain… piercings and tattoos the same… accidents on my bike required just a dusting off… the physical pain from cooking meth was part of the cost…

Today I'm happier than I've been in a long ass time… I surrendered to meds and they're working. But as I ride my bike around town… for fucking miles on miles in the sweltering Houston heat, I'm enduring it for the reward of doing it and of the reward for bragging about it which is in effect, about attention. Not totally as I do love doing deliveries on my bike, but I have the skills to do so much more… but that's something else as well. Another part to figure out.

I love the NA literature and it's really been a guide and opened my eyes lately. This is just one more bit of my recovery/discovery I'm excited about.

Love you.

I’m not doing enough

This morning the guilt of my distractions has caught up with me… it’s a physical sensation of weakness and poor posture and shuffling feet and eyes gazing downward… it’s the emotional sensation of uncertainty and fuck it and doubt and self-loathing and resentment… you know, all the best ways to start a fucking day.

These fucking veins man… I want to test them out… fill them with magic and change everything about me. 

I’m not doing enough to change this mental health of mine.  My outward appearance has finally cracked as the truth of my mind and not the distraction of FB/YouTube/music/news/my son/friends/etc. sees the light and exposes what’s really going on. 

I knew it was happening days ago when I had to answer how I was feeling in my meditation app… or when I was texted by friends asking how I was… in person without the need for reflection I was perfectly fine if you asked me, but when I had that moment to pause… I wasn’t able to answer.  I mean, I was able to answer, but the truth had to fight past the bullshit that I’d been fronting…

And another sign was that things became a little harder to accomplish… work or reading or reality so I did less of them. I turned to the immediate satisfaction of distraction. And I found happiness there because I wasn’t looking or dealing with me… but it caught up with me as it always does… it being truth. 

I am so scared to confront my shit… the fear of rejection and of being alone… the fear of reliving my past and apologizing for my actions and not finding relief from that… the constant inappropriate or questionable thoughts I have… the skewed interpretations of relationships… ugh. 

Logically, I know I can work through these and I’m probably blowing some of them out of proportion and others have gone through the same things and blah blah blah.  And I’m probably in self-pity mode right about now and that’s not a spiritual principle and whatever… I get it. 

I’m not doing enough. Still… when though?  When it gets too bad I guess. 

How old am I again?

I haven’t done meth since Tuesday I think… somewhere around there… and I’m still waking up with severe aches deep in my bones… making me move so slowly and it take deliberate efforts to bend or twist… going down a set of stairs, I might be better off just tucking and rolling down.

Anyway, feeling super fucking depressed today. Really awful in my head… no milk for coffee, no money to speak of, last food for my dog, missing my old using partner, missing the drugs… I’m sitting here sitting here… crying… trying to get the energy to be that productive member of society I need to be. But I want to be high… and get rid of this pain… the pain in my heart and my head… 

I have a full plate today… working, therapy, working… and at OAA thank god. They’ll help… but if you offered me a shot… I’d take it.