Something new for me

Follow up to my previous post

That one delivery was it and I thank God for it. It was just enough of a break for me to take some time to think… I finished the delivery and then this…

I texted my sponsor and he called me back right away. We talked and I'm worn out from working and feeling lonely because I'm not talking to her and haven't for about a week. So that loneliness turned into alone and separate from the world…

I wanted to use to give me to boost of energy I needed and to give me a connection to her… a reason to reach out and talk… look at what I'll do because of feelings… specifically to not feel the ones that suck.

So my sponsor and I talked and I'm back home taking a break… if I'm tired I need to rest. Similar concept to yesterday's post… no need to suffer if I don't need too… I need to take care of myself.

I'll have to sit through this "loneliness" until the feeling subsides. I can do that. I've done it before.

I have to admit that talking this out… reaching out for help… feels like a real accomplishment and breakthrough in my recovery. Sharing my pain really helped. I could have suffered through it but why? The literature says to reach out and I did.

Love you.

Perceived added value

I’m at my parents house helping out on a few household honey-do’s, doing my part as a loving son and keeping my status as all-time favorite offspring (sorry Becky ;0))… and as I wash my dad’s car, I can’t stop thinking about how much better/more fun this would be if she were here with me.

I write about my obsession because this is crazy… I’m washing a fucking car at my parents house and I want her here with me… as I’m washing the car, I’m having conversations with her… in my mind of course, I’m not crazy (ha.)… I can see her next to me laughing or conversing back and when I think… when I realize it’s not happening, washing the car becomes a chore… I get resentful for doing it and I’m mad at her for not being here…

These fantasies create added value to everything I do… until they don’t.  Riding my bike I eventually miss her and it becomes less fun. Driving/grocery shopping/working/whatever would be better with her here…

That’s the insanity of this obsession… I don’t see the same value in the activities I do by myself or even with other friends… not yet anyway… one day.

It Works: How and Why, pg. 14

Reading again

I started reading again… “It Works:  How and Why“.  I’m desperate for some relief today and I found a PDF of it on the internet and started reading… and it took me back to a couple of years ago when I was really, really trying this out for the first time and my sponsor, Baer, had me reading from this book every damn day… and I remember reading aloud in my empty house… no one but me in a 2000 sq. ft. home, only a couple of pieces of furniture left and my voice echoing in the living room… I paced back and forth in front of the windows and I’m sure the neighbors knew I had lost it by then…

This book goes deeper than the Basic Text and it took me reading it multiple times for some of it to sink in… “It Works” goes beyond the symptom of my disease… it assumes I know that drugs are an issue, but I have deeper, underlying issues with my addiction… it discusses the obsession and compulsion…

I am obsessed and therefore, I compulse… right?

I read chapter one again, on Step One and I started crying… I had forgotten the technicalities of my disease… it’s simple but it’s not… I was so grateful to be reminded that I suffer from obsession and compulsion, especially after the past few days to weeks…

This paragraph hit me the hardest today, because…

The spiritual part of our disease, the part we may recognize only by a feeling of emptiness or loneliness when we first get clean, is perhaps one of the most difficult aspects of addiction for us. Because this part of our disease affects us so profoundly and so personally, we may be overwhelmed when we think about applying a program of recovery to it. However, we need to keep in mind that recovery doesn’t happen overnight for anyone.

my feelings of loneliness lead me to obsess and be compulsive.

So anyway, I’m in my room, reading aloud as I pace back and forth… it just feels right.

Speaker Tape: Came To Believe

 

I don’t recall if I’ve posted this one before… but today, I can’t listen to music as it brings up feelings I don’t want to deal with today… listening closely to most of my favorite songs, I can find one of two themes:  self-pity or obsession.

So, I have to turn to speaker tapes… this one here applies to my current life.  He talks about wasting years in recovery by not working and living spiritual principles… how he created his own insanity by his behaviors even while clean… how he was a poor example of recovery for others…

I texted my sponsor this morning… I have a new one, in NA and I’m putting him to the test right away…

I need to start the steps. I have a lot of insanity in my life created by my obsessions and i need it to stop.

I believe in a higher power but have been avoiding the topic because his will doesn’t align with mine… I know it should be the other way around.

I have a lot of fear of a lot of things.  I just want to get started so I can move on and be of service and have some self-acceptance and not be so fucking scared.

Part of me is pissed and embarrassed that I have to rely on a higher power to handle my shit… but like I said last night, there is always some fucking higher power handling my shit, whether I like it or not… I might as well make it one of my own understanding.

I have friends smarter than me and using the word god makes me feel weak af.  It’s a pride thing I guess… I care what you think and envy your ability to do it on your own… not rely on an unknown, an intangible.

Anyway, I hope to “come to believe” in whatever power that can help relieve me of my insanity, my obsession, my fears…

It’s 4:36 AM

And I’m up thinking about Jamie. I’m still in bed but awake. 

I went to bed thinking of her.

I heard from her yesterday… she texted saying she had to block me and sorry. Then she texted saying congrats on my license and Missoula is great.  The she texted that Britta knew she was in town and I should use IG to reach her if I want… 

I did and I did…

But as I’m writing this, I’m seeing an old pattern in my behavior… a sick one.  I’m blaming her for making me feel this way.  I don’t have to do that anymore. I don’t like this feeling… I don’t like the feeling of being dropped out of her life suddenly and brought back in with a sorry in a you understand tone… like I understand.  It hurts… it continues to happen… it has to end.  

I blocked contact from her last night out of spite… I’m just as bad.

And then I thought of Colby, and Christa, and others who seem to show interest in me… I’m not well.  I feel I need someone but I shouldn’t. I’m not saying God… but maybe just another addict in need… or maybe work… or just whatever.

I don’t know…

I am having some withdrawals after not hearing from Jamie since Monday afternoon… she’s in fucking Missoula, staying with Dan, visiting royce.

She texted me saying she had arrived and wished I was there… I texted back that I wish I was too and to have fun and tell Dan hello…

After that, it’s been nothing except a few likes on FB with the last one being two days ago.

I’ve been continuing the “Those two over there” group messages that we’ve kept alive for Britta’s sake… but it’s been only me… trying to keep the same tone and levels of enthusiasm with a spurt of desperation last night… I finally texted her directly saying I hoped Missoula was treating her well and that I’m thinking of her and I miss talking to her… all of which is true… by Missoula, I mean royce… and by well, I mean not fucking with her.

I think of her all damn day… wake to sleep… the first fucking thought to the last… I’ve had my moments of self when I’m working on Drew’s fence or getting my license or hanging with my mom or working on something for OAA… but the moments in between is heavied with the wondering… I came close to losing it today…

This license process has been a complete pain in the ass here and I’ve been ready to give up but I’m a huge burden to my parents right now… they live so far away from me and to get em back and forth is a major effort and costly… gas and toll roads and time… I’ve wanted to give up these past few days but I’ve stuck with it for them mostly… even though I don’t have a car, a license will give me the ability to run errands for them or hit my meetings (if I go again) or whatever… it’ll help and open new job opps as well… just get the fucking license…

Anyway, it’s been tough and today with the Jamie thing heavier on my mind… in it’s 4th day… I just about gave up when I got denied because of some shit in ID I had to clear up… I got in the car with my mom and told her to take me home and I’d do whatever… meaning I’d pout/give up/be pissed/be a burden but have a way to justify it… on the way out of the DMV the exit was blocked by a long-ass slow moving train and the silence was uncomfortable enough for me to call ID and figure out what the deal was… I had to pay them $85.00 to re-instate a license I didn’t have anyway but whatever… I payed them and asked how quickly it would be cleared and they said right away so I told my mom to turn around and we headed back to the DMV… I got back in line, they checked and I was good to go… I took the written test and PASSED… thank you God (sadly, just writing that, is the first time I thanked God… but I see a connection between the slow train, and the call… it’s God’s timing… thank you God.)

I’m trying to be strong/less compulsive with this Jamie withdrawal… the pain isn’t unbearable… I hate the constant of it… I hate the way it lingers… I hate the way it distracts… I hate the way it can light the fuse so quickly…

I don’t know why I get dropped so easily… why she can or feels the need to go MIA like this… it’s her fucking disease I know… I know.  his name is royce…

 

 

I’m the majority shareholder 

It’s an 80/20 split right now between my will and Gods… that’s probably not entirely accurate and fine, it’s 99/1.

If you’re coming here to read about recovery… finding a new way to live… doing the next right thing… sorry and nope.

You might find a glimmer of hope in that I don’t want to use… I definitely don’t want to use.

I just want to take a break from the self reflection… I also want to be comfortable in the sameness that I’m used to… I don’t trust in a power greater than myself right now… because I like this insanity… I can’t have it taken away from me..

I’m not only dealing with the now, for good measure I’ve decided to pile on for the future… to test my long-term resolve… to see just how fucking long I can do this…

Just me.  My will.  A glimmer of hope.