I’m not used to this

It makes me feel uncomfortable when people are genuinely nice to me… when they care for reasons I can’t figure out.

I do this all the time… I go outside of my comfort zone when pain or my brain get too bad. I ask for help in a text or email and then dread a response… please ignore what I just said… everything is fine actually… oh fuck… you responded. Damn.

And I side-eye the response… a short skim of your message looking for something cringeworthy… not bad but kindness cringeworthy… it feels better when you either don’t respond or you give me something to be resentful about…

But nope… people send me shit I ask for and I’m supposed to respond but I get so uncomfortable with the level of care I just send back those damn thinking bubbles until I exit out of the message app altogether…

Here’s and example from today that’s got me writing…

See what I mean… ugh. I hardly know this guy and he’s so fucking nice… responded right away and dinner?

Honestly, I love that I have people like this to turn to. I can’t figure out shit on my own and it’s nice to ask someone who has been through the same dumb stuff as me and made it to the other side. It’s uncomfortable because of my own issues… it’s not him, it’s me… I still can’t get used to this feeling…

I have to go respond now… the bubbles have disappeared.