I got a second opinion

I’ve been doing a little of what my sponsor suggested I do which is read The Doctor’s Opinion out of the AA Big Book and I’m taking a quick break (because I’m obsessive and compulsive) to mention that… fine, I can probably relate just fine to AA even though I’m a fucking addict.

Wait… what?  I know… as it’s been said,

a new idea cannot be grafted onto a closed mind…

A few quotes that describe my addiction from this old-ass book on alcoholism I thought I could never relate too…

They are over-remorseful and make many resolutions, but never a decision.

Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one.

and I’m not done reading… I’m kind of excited again and hope I can stay connected and keep finding the similarities instead of the differences.  Let me try the 12 Steps in AA… NA will be there when I get done… I’m not really asking.

 

Let’s talk about right now and up to right now

Right now, still trying to find the correct level of gratitude for the amount of effort I’ve put into being clean… which, as I write that… hmmm… I get it now.  My effort has been kinda minimal and therefore, the ROI is going to be the same.  Dumbass… what the fuck?

It’s not enough being clean and going to meetings.  I need to start on the steps again and put more effort into meeting people and calling and service work and filling my time and thoughts with more NA and less ME.

So, after my gratitude list I made, I had to pee really bad… dancing bad… 3rd cup of coffee and as I’m packing up my stuff in sbux, I recall that  few minutes prior, a man and a women walk into sbux and they’ve walked straight on back to the bathrooms, each carrying lots of gear and don’t fit in with the morning crowd surrounding me.  I say to myself, because I’m still pretty fucking ungrateful, “fuck… crackheads are in the bathroom…”  I finish packing and head to the bathrooms just in case I was wrong or I missed them coming out… but nope… one door is locked (smart crackhead) and one door opens, but is blocked by the bag, sleeping bag and dude (duh… lock your door dumbass)… I’m pissed (no pun intended) and because I’m so close to the toilet, I really have to pee now… I pace and wait, mutter and pace… and then I leave…

So there is this dude that is outside sbux every fucking morning with his stupid dog that has a sweater on… and it barks at me every time I walk by… and the guy always says, “he doesn’t want to pet you…” like it’s my fault and the dog is upset with me because I’m unfriendly… maybe it’s your damn dog staring me down as I walk up every morning and then barks as I approach…  I say good morning to everyone.. I’m not unfriendly…  as I walk out of the front door to go find a place to pee this dog comes up and puts his face on me and starts barking… I look at the dog and tell him to shut the fuck up, fist clenched about ready to punch it… fucking god damn dog man… fuck his owner…

I cannot find a place in a block’s distance to pee…

bushes looking good and I just about duck in and here comes a mother fucker…

keep walking and two more blocks a c-store… I look in my pocket, applying pressure to my bladder in doing so and find enough change to buy something to allow me the privilege to use the fucking bathroom… walk in, look to my right, NO.  Seriously? “SORRY, BATHROOM IS OUT OF ORDER”  I say out loud, “fuck you and this place.” and see a CVS across the street.

Cross to CVS, buy a pack of Hostess Donettes for $1.89 and ask where the bathroom is… “The bathroom is out of service…” “Are you serious?”  “Yes, we put in a service request yesterday.”  “Fuck you.  Where do you go then?”  “The employee bathroom.”  I want to shove those fucking donettes down his throat and have him coughing powdered sugar for the rest of his life… but I leave instead.

I head back to sbux… now about 5 blocks away.

Go around the dog.

See a well dressed man kinda walking fast a few paces in front of me… “He’s going to the the fucking bathroom…” I think to myself.  And he is and it’s sbux and respectable folks are in there and I’m not going to race him and push an old lady down to get to the bathroom even though I have to fucking pee so fucking bad by now AND I am now hating everything and everything hates me apparently… he walks walks up to the one door and pauses and I’m thinking, he’s choosing one and I’ll duck beside him and snag the other one before he knows what pee is… and then he turns right and opens the door and now I’m the one that knows what pee is because the other fucking door, without him even checking, is locked… wow… amazing intuition this fuck face has…

Well, thank god the crackhead is gone and it’s a normal guy who exits a minute later and I get in, peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, and look in the mirror and stare at myself.

Barely a whisper of gratitude exists in me and it’s only from the most immediate event and it’s not even anything my HP ordered up… it was a circumstance of life.

I need help.  I might be clean now, but it won’t last very long with this attitude.

I not happy with myself

God… I am such a fucking sucker…. moving on.

I went to a meeting today… it was okay.  I was so angry about being there and one fucking old timer decided to crack wise and say , “here’s what left of Craig…” and I went off on him. I told to shut his fucking mouth and called him a condescending cocksucker and he said he wouldn’t apologize I told him that’s fine but he better shut his pie hole before I shut it for him.

So I’m sitting where I typically sit and I’m putting off a vibe everyone is picking up on… but this one lady that I’ve always dug… she didn’t care…. she came and sat down right next to me when there were a million chairs around and she gave me a little fist bump… it was enough to break my walls for me to relax and listen. Thank you Jessie. 

After the meeting I was open for hugs and talking and while Inwas, I was standing in front of a doorway and I could see my reflection… I look like shit… I look absolutely terrible and it made me cry. I hadn’t really looked at myself lately or not close enough. I’m in bad shape. I’m wearing my sons jeans and those are too small. I’m a fucking mess. 

I wasted this whole weekend thinking about ways of getting high and longing for my old using partner. Fuck that nonsense. Fuck… 

I spoke to my mom for the first time in forever. 

Maybe this was a better weekend than I’m thinking. The loss of a friend allows me to be open to new ones. 

What have I become?

Lately, I just stare at myself in the mirror… looking st my features… skinny, gaunt, dark circles under my eyes, unhealthy. 

I’m not able to answer myself when I ask what have I become?  What do I want to do?  When will I make the decision?  I just stare… 

I think it’s disbelief… mixed with disapproval… disgust… self-pity and sadness… 

None of it is a good look for me. 

I’m four days off meth I think. I drank a beer and took a benzo to help me sleep last night as I had some serious brain zaps and anxiety… but I really want to use today… but I really don’t want to either. So here I sit, staring at myself, not making any move… 

and for my friends in NA… I know you’re  there… I’m not ready for you yet. I cannot humble myself yet… I’ve only considered a power greater than myself as a possibility twice since I started this long-ass run… And it sucks, fucking really sucks that I experienced such serenity and gratitude not so long ago by simply surrendering… it’s painful to be fighting against that. I hate, hate, hate… hate that I fight against you so mightily.  I’m sorry.