Trust or fear?

My mind isn’t giving me a minutes rest… it’s back in turbo-overdrive-nitro boosting mode.  The way the thoughts are coming at me, I feel like a poorly programmed super computer… analyzing the fuck out of these problems but never solving them.  Does not fucking compute is all I can display on my face.

Today, this morning, I woke up thinking about how I don’t trust people with the shit in my mind… 

but is it trust or is it fear?

If I tell you what’s in my thoughts what the fuck will you think of me then?  How would that change things?  In my mind, it’s pretty much already figured out because I don’t like my own thoughts and memories and behaviors and whether they’re normal or not, they’re wrong to me. I’d rather be something I’m not than who I am right now. 

Not really. 

I’d really rather be rid of these thoughts.

These are the times that active addiction seems like the best plan… my mind quieted… the simplicity of the only goal of being high… it’s the easiest path.  

I know I know I know… I’m not going to use.  I need to find some acceptance in life right now. Acceptance of my accomplishments and my progress and that I have more to work on… I have a responsibility to stay clean today… not just that but to be a better person… to think of others…

I’m here right now and it’s where I’m at. If I don’t like it, then I need to find the best way to change it… to make it better… in my mind I’m hating the word work, like I don’t want to work for this… I want to change but not to work for it… which goes back to just wanting to use which is a magic pill which is fantasy which is giving in/up…