Why don't I want to be here? There is an actual feeling of not wanting to be here… it's in my stomach and chest. I'm trying to commit myself to being here by sitting next to someone and read one of the readings… be accountable and be seen if I try and escape.
I feel resentment…
Towards me and the meeting. Me for not doing what I really want to do and the meeting for being so happy whether I'm here or not…
I did this today though… I'm sharing about it… trying to figure it out and I was reminded it's okay that just staying clean can be good enough…
That helped for sure… waiting for this… ugh… meeting to start.
I see a pattern happening… I'm going to fewer meetings and if I do go, I'm leaving early. I just can't sit there unless I have some more involvement… like leading it or something…
Two things are taking place…
1… Work, specifically my bike delivery job, is my higher power
2… I'm losing touch with the fellowship/friends in NA
My new higher power is work and the feeling I get from the physicalness and the money of it. It's instant and I love that. I get good feelings and rushes of healthy living while working… except when I'm not working, I'm not depressed, but meh at least.
I need friends to fill up the other parts of my day… the random texts and connects I get are spirit lifting even if it feels like I don't need it… without the meetings it inevitably going to mean I lose those friends. Meetings are like nights at the bar or dinner. It's where we talk and laugh and share and learn and help each other… like friends. I absolutely fucking need that.
But here I am typing this after leaving a meeting 30 minutes early. A meeting I was not looking forward to… not in a bad way, just a tired and TV and chilling seem better kind of way… they're not drawing me in like they used too…
Work cannot be my higher power… what if I lose that job? Then what? And if I've stopped going to meetings… then I'm fucked.
I need to find some balance. Missing out is losing out.
I should be in a meeting
Folks… I am in fucking Houston Texas and I could not be more at peace and any more grateful than I am right now… except I will be and will be and will be the more I do what I’m doing right now.
Holy fucking crap and I bursting… you cannot wipe the smile off my face… you cannot knock the big-ass chip of happiness off my shoulder… this attitude is in your face and I hope it makes you puke gratitude and then some just like I am… this is the best contagiousness I can be.
I have been in detox since Friday and boy was I fighting it for a few days… I wasn’t into this place… into anything except changing my situation… until one night… one night I got into a fight with a staff member over his shitty music and I was ready to leave… told my mom as much, breaking her heart at the same time. But as I tossed and turned that night thinking of getting back to Missoula, to my place… I thought about not wanting to be there and asking what I really wanted… and I wanted to be clean… and to not be a pussy… and to be an example for my friends… to be there for my son… to be as happy as I had been during my most recent clean time that meant something… those 95 days.
I thought, what did I do then? I fucking took suggestions motherfucker… I did something different… I didn’t do what I wanted to do… I did what I needed to do and I believed in a power greater than myself….
I got on my knees and I prayed for help… then I went to a meeting. I changed my attitude… I called my sponsor and asked for something to do and did what he suggested… I surrendered to the fact that I am where I am… surrendered people. surrender. fuck me… it was immediate. my HP turned my frown upside down.
And when I took a UA and still had a shitload of meth in my system meaning I was stuck in house still, I accepted that and read… and went to meetings escorted. I still prayed for help and it was suggested I drink more water and so I did…
I took another UA today and came up clean… immediately I floated as the staff said I could leave the house and wouldn’t have to come home until 9:59 PM… I was/still am beside myself as I called everyone and when I walked out, I felt like I had just tunneled out of prison… which way do I turn? Where to first? Where does any decent HP send you? Shipley’s Donuts of course! I had a Cinnamon Sugar and Powdered Sugar with a small chocolate milk and it was a good day… only to get better and better and I explored my old hometown… continuing still… woot woot!
I am loving Houston today… the acorns on the streets, the sunny weather, the transit, the buildings, the everything… yes the acorns… I love them.
Grateful for 5 days today… pissed I waited and fought this feeling… but I’ve got it back and you will not take it from me, but I will be spreading it for everyone to enjoy… please enjoy it with me .. fuck me… so grateful. so fucking grateful.
God… I am such a fucking sucker…. moving on.
I went to a meeting today… it was okay. I was so angry about being there and one fucking old timer decided to crack wise and say , “here’s what left of Craig…” and I went off on him. I told to shut his fucking mouth and called him a condescending cocksucker and he said he wouldn’t apologize I told him that’s fine but he better shut his pie hole before I shut it for him.
So I’m sitting where I typically sit and I’m putting off a vibe everyone is picking up on… but this one lady that I’ve always dug… she didn’t care…. she came and sat down right next to me when there were a million chairs around and she gave me a little fist bump… it was enough to break my walls for me to relax and listen. Thank you Jessie.
After the meeting I was open for hugs and talking and while Inwas, I was standing in front of a doorway and I could see my reflection… I look like shit… I look absolutely terrible and it made me cry. I hadn’t really looked at myself lately or not close enough. I’m in bad shape. I’m wearing my sons jeans and those are too small. I’m a fucking mess.
I wasted this whole weekend thinking about ways of getting high and longing for my old using partner. Fuck that nonsense. Fuck…
I spoke to my mom for the first time in forever.
Maybe this was a better weekend than I’m thinking. The loss of a friend allows me to be open to new ones.
Today has been a struggle, no a fucking battle Royale between every fiber that makes me me and one little tiny bit of me. Most of me wants to use and use and use and use and use and use and use and use and use and use and use and fucking just fuck all.
The little tiny part of me thank fucking god is winning though. It’s the part of me that had me reach out to a friend and ask them if she’ll go to a meeting with me… it then guided me to a noob meetjng and then an emergency therapy session right afterwards and then naptime after that. It did whatever it took to keep me occupied and not dialing that number to score.
I’m cured at home pacing the floor, crying tears of joy(?) that I’m still clean and that I have just a couple of hours until my next meeting. This is victory… this is #winning me #tigerblood. See? I have my sense of humor intact and it’s been a fucking rough day.
I can do this. Please do this you Fuckface…. don’t let yourself down this time… don’t be a pussy and cop like before… I matter what, you don’t have to use… you have nothing, but you are nothing if you use again… don’t duck g use… I know. I won’t. Just stop testing me. I need a break. I need a break. I. Red some relief.