Loving it and everything…

I'm pretty sure I'm loving life right now. I can't think of anything I'm not fond of at the moment. Sure I have my resentments but that's not not liking something… that's different.

This feeling came in as I started doing deliveries for Uber Eats on my bike… okay, I do hate something… I hate how the I is next to the O and when I type in images read of on… I do hate that…

Anyway… it's the sheer joy of exercise and the natural shit pumping in my being… it's the pick up chit chat and the drop off charm for each delivery… it's the Pavlovian reaction to the alerts from the app that suddenly give me energy when I didn't think I had another drop in me… it's the tan I'm getting… the calories I'm burning… the muscle I'm building…

It's also not being bored… I was bored today and started thinking stupid shit and so I hopped on the bike and enabled the app and bam… something productive to do.

It's probably the meds as well. I resisted them at my almost peril. Today I'm grateful I'm on them and surrendered to needing them. Today, I'm okay with taking them. I know they're helping and they allow me to focus on life without as much fear of going off the deep end and still hitting my head. #notmanic #onmeds

Love you.

Those brown plastic containers that have the pills in them?

Yeah dumbass… those are prescription medicines for your depression and to stabilize your mood… go back a couple posts or so and you’ll understand what I’m getting at.

Fuck dude… I have three bottles on my bathroom counter where I spend a decent amount of time getting ready for my day and at minimum, I’m in there twice a day… the number of times I’m supposed to take the meds.  I was seriously wondering why I was as cranky and unstable… the drugs play a part, but worse for me is the sudden removal of the sweet Wellbutrin, Mirtazapine and Gabapentin power-pack.

It’s an outright defiant move on my part as I move them out of my way to get to the toothpaste or think it’s too much hassle to fill a cup with water to swallow them with.  I’m losing my shit out there and the loss of friends, dignity, reality is a far worse side-effect than the no side-effects I’ve felt on the meds… am I making sense?

Anyway… I, dumbass, will be be back with increased mental fortitude to tackle the rest of life.  I think I’m manic… apology tour is starting today.