I'm pretty sure I'm loving life right now. I can't think of anything I'm not fond of at the moment. Sure I have my resentments but that's not not liking something… that's different.
This feeling came in as I started doing deliveries for Uber Eats on my bike… okay, I do hate something… I hate how the I is next to the O and when I type in images read of on… I do hate that…
Anyway… it's the sheer joy of exercise and the natural shit pumping in my being… it's the pick up chit chat and the drop off charm for each delivery… it's the Pavlovian reaction to the alerts from the app that suddenly give me energy when I didn't think I had another drop in me… it's the tan I'm getting… the calories I'm burning… the muscle I'm building…
It's also not being bored… I was bored today and started thinking stupid shit and so I hopped on the bike and enabled the app and bam… something productive to do.
It's probably the meds as well. I resisted them at my almost peril. Today I'm grateful I'm on them and surrendered to needing them. Today, I'm okay with taking them. I know they're helping and they allow me to focus on life without as much fear of going off the deep end and still hitting my head. #notmanic #onmeds
Earlier today I posted about wanting to shoot up… that I was killing time and that being in Target brought those memories of shooting meth back up for me… but that I ultimately couldn’t afford doing so and I was grateful for being able to decide not to do it instead of acting compulsively on a feeling… that decision had consequences after all…
The time I was killing then was the moments my son was in school taking final exams and me picking up from school since he got out early. The consequences of me not acting compulsively are that I have this opportunity to spend with him before he moves back to Montana on Tuesday… that we ate lunch together… that we played FIFA16 together (always him as PSG and I as Chelsea) with him winning… that we packed his big ass suitcase… that I fixed his computer for him so he can use his kick ass graphics card and not worry about framerate issues while playing CS Go with his friends…
Basically, I am available for the last days with my son. I’m being a dad. I’m his dad and here for him physically and emotionally… focused on his needs instead of my own.
There is no guilt and shame with these consequences. This is everlasting and only gets better the more I do it. Yeah, there is a bit of my mind still requesting that electric rush of a big fucking shot of meth… but that comes with some really shitty consequences and people get hurt… I have joy in my heart right now and I’m able to create that in others as well… to stop doing that… to take that away from my son would be incredibly selfish and mean and that is what I would hate most and what would create that continued cycle of self-hate and loathing… fuck that.
Right now, my boy loves me for a million reasons (mostly for fixing his computer, but I’m good with that) and the smile on my face, tears in my eyes and joy in my heart for these next few wonderful days together are the consequences of being clean today. Love you Jackson. You’re the best.
Do you ever just type and delete and type and delete over and over wanting to say what obviously words cannot express well enough?
That’s me tonight about today… the emotional cycle I’ve experienced today has me drained… yet I want to end today by attempting to convey all that I went through.
I can’t nail it down into the time my body and mind are allotting me though… I wore myself out by taking advantage of events and opportunities placed before me… I was of service… I took suggestions… I opened up and pushed myself.
Tonight’s moment of silence for the addict who still suffers meant more to me than it has in a long time… thinking of friends and sending my love to you.
Fuck… I have a friend that is struggling today… another friend told me about him and so I reached out with a text… I was hoping that text would do it, but I heard back that he was still struggling and that another friend was also worried.
I love this guy… the short time we’ve been in the rooms together has been all him… he’s the one that kept at me due to my fear of being anything like sociable… and I saw him as he volunteered last week and he fucking kicked ass at it… rounding the troops and energizing the mood and tempo as they marched out to do service… and we like the same music it turns out… and I got to know more about him and he’s got a story to rival most.
This lovable guy loves back and cares and I want him to be happy because he wants me to be.
So I called him and it went to voicemail and I cried as I told him he can call me and that I will listen and do what I can from this long miserable distance… I pleaded for him to be there when I return to Missoula.
Dude… WE can figure this shit out… reach out to those in the rooms. Please. Love you.
I want to stop my mind from telling me what I’m doing wrong or whatever… just stop the fucking thoughts.
I’m angry getting angrier… I can’t get angry enough… list what I have issues about right the fucking second.
My in-laws and their dumb-asses taking a picture with their first uber driver. Fuck them.
My roommate who vapes… in the room… but I’m angry at my pussy-ass for not being able to say anything… and I’m anticipating just camping everywhere I go today and me just breathing it in because I’m a pussy and that’s what I fucking do.
I hate myself for not taking the time to put fucking in my address book so auto fucking correct doesn’t change it to you know fucking what.
I don’t trust my higher power
I’m jealous of Dan and royce because they got to spend time with Jamie…
Mad at Jamie because she doesn’t have the same feelings for me
Want to fuck… and I hate how I confuse sex with love and if a female breathes she must love me. I hate that I want to be loved and if I’m not I’m not happy. And I don’t mean love but I mean having sex… being intimate.
It’s crazy how one hate filled resentment can lead to all these others… if I have one I must have more… please.
God I could keep writing and millions more would pour out…
People, family and friends, have been thanking me… Craig Fucking Flint… for being clean.
The more clean time I get and the more I work on my shit the more I understand what a self-centered, selfish, my way or the highway jerk I was and the more clean time I get I understand that people fucking loved/love me and that I add something to their lives… something I haven’t figured out yet…
I should be thanking you… thanking you for sticking with me and not giving up and believing that I can change and that I’m better clean than when using and for all of the rest of the love/compassion/help/understanding you showed even though I shredded you to pieces for your “weakness”… I manipulated you when you cracked… I forced your will to be mine… I turned you into me and we became a team of hate… you deserve all of the thanks. Without you, I wouldn’t be here for you to thank.