Distance loneliness

Part of my issue is actual and perceived loneliness…

Like right now I feel both… it’s early and I’m up before you and I’m drinking coffee and pacing and need you… but you’re asleep still… and I’m not just talking about her but you as well…

Part of my issue is I don’t interact much after and in between meetings with you… I go to our meetings and we get along great, but fear keeps me from taking it to the next level… I’ve written about this before… for years…

Somatically (I hope I’m using that right), my loneliness is an actual feeling in my stomach and chest… in my chest, I feel it reaching out in a force that is causing some tightness in my rib cage… like it’s my fibers of my body trying to connect with yours… in my stomach, it’s just a black pit, hard and pressing on me like a fist.

I’ve written about feeling lonely in a group of friends… I’ve always felt that way… like I’m in realtime doubting that they really like me and I feel totally less than…

Anyway… it sucks. I have so many hours in the day that I feel this way and I don’t know how to get past it… the distance of loneliness I feel.

No days

I’m writing this kinda high… not on my DOC which seems like an important point…

I officially relapsed last week and in between then and now, I’ve gotten high a couple of more times… I should have 9 months today.

The list of reasons I stayed clean this long were numerous, but not endless and not enough… some days it was for me, but mostly not… it was for you and the kid and the cheap rent and the girl and the fellowship/friends and the not being able to because of consequences… I can’t, not I don’t want to.

So am I done? Well fuck… using isn’t changing anything… my life isn’t any better… I don’t have the friends/girl/peace… I haven’t had any consequences (yet)… Currently, I am and still feel alone, and even more so really.

And yet, I can’t say for sure… I didn’t get to use my DOC, which feels like missing out and if I went this far, why not try it once… right?

I’m done for today though…

Can someone remind me of today and that nothing changed for the better by using if I ever say I want to use again?

See? Just me.

Something new for me

Follow up to my previous post

That one delivery was it and I thank God for it. It was just enough of a break for me to take some time to think… I finished the delivery and then this…

I texted my sponsor and he called me back right away. We talked and I'm worn out from working and feeling lonely because I'm not talking to her and haven't for about a week. So that loneliness turned into alone and separate from the world…

I wanted to use to give me to boost of energy I needed and to give me a connection to her… a reason to reach out and talk… look at what I'll do because of feelings… specifically to not feel the ones that suck.

So my sponsor and I talked and I'm back home taking a break… if I'm tired I need to rest. Similar concept to yesterday's post… no need to suffer if I don't need too… I need to take care of myself.

I'll have to sit through this "loneliness" until the feeling subsides. I can do that. I've done it before.

I have to admit that talking this out… reaching out for help… feels like a real accomplishment and breakthrough in my recovery. Sharing my pain really helped. I could have suffered through it but why? The literature says to reach out and I did.

Love you.

Feeling lonely makes me want to use

Feeling alone at the moment and this…

Typing a message to a guy I know to see if he can score. I got to this point before I realized I should do something different.

Fuck this feeling of loneliness… using doesn't bring me friends or cure the feeling… I know it makes it worse ultimately… but it's my go to… my right away go to… my almost and did it go to.

Work thank God just picked up. I hope I can ride this out.

Reading again

I started reading again… “It Works:  How and Why“.  I’m desperate for some relief today and I found a PDF of it on the internet and started reading… and it took me back to a couple of years ago when I was really, really trying this out for the first time and my sponsor, Baer, had me reading from this book every damn day… and I remember reading aloud in my empty house… no one but me in a 2000 sq. ft. home, only a couple of pieces of furniture left and my voice echoing in the living room… I paced back and forth in front of the windows and I’m sure the neighbors knew I had lost it by then…

This book goes deeper than the Basic Text and it took me reading it multiple times for some of it to sink in… “It Works” goes beyond the symptom of my disease… it assumes I know that drugs are an issue, but I have deeper, underlying issues with my addiction… it discusses the obsession and compulsion…

I am obsessed and therefore, I compulse… right?

I read chapter one again, on Step One and I started crying… I had forgotten the technicalities of my disease… it’s simple but it’s not… I was so grateful to be reminded that I suffer from obsession and compulsion, especially after the past few days to weeks…

This paragraph hit me the hardest today, because…

The spiritual part of our disease, the part we may recognize only by a feeling of emptiness or loneliness when we first get clean, is perhaps one of the most difficult aspects of addiction for us. Because this part of our disease affects us so profoundly and so personally, we may be overwhelmed when we think about applying a program of recovery to it. However, we need to keep in mind that recovery doesn’t happen overnight for anyone.

my feelings of loneliness lead me to obsess and be compulsive.

So anyway, I’m in my room, reading aloud as I pace back and forth… it just feels right.

Some sort of explanation, pt. 1

As I sit here, sitting in the shit of being in between use and non-use, I wonder how committed I am to being clean.

I have been using since I was 15 and I’m 46 now.  I had a stint in my 20’s where I got clean after time in jail and treatment, but I never worked the 12 steps.  Eventually I started drinking which eventually led to wanting my DOC and doctor shopping for Adderall and finally back to meth… it’s been on now about 7 years.  I’ve managed a few stints in Narcotics Anonymous and at one point getting 97 days and all of the gifts being clean gets you… well, except for one.

I use for a number of reasons… and I believe that using is a symptom of my disease… a disease that manifests itself in various ways, but mainly in obsessions and compulsive behaviors.

I’ve always been compulsive, never thinking about consequences until they were upon me and even then, I’ve been able to minimize the effects… either by being me (manipulation) or not having anything else to lose, therefore not giving a fuck.  But I was younger and didn’t have a wife, son, home, career, and the other grown-up things I’ve grown to appreciate.

So, whats my fucking deal… right?  Fear of being alone is a huge fucking part of my life that it causes me to act out in ways a normal person wouldn’t.  Like what… like shit I did as a kid that made you like me… even though it felt so awful inside.  Like compromising belief and morals as I got older just be be apart of your group… with a drink or drug available to make the shame and guilt disappear.  I need friends and love and it’s not any easier today then it was.  I have friends and some of them have been close, but I never feel as though it’s next-level… I have trouble putting myself in positions to be asked to dinner or float trips or the things that friends do together.  When I’m clean that is… I can get myself most anywhere if I’m drunk or high, but take away the mask and I’m fucking alone.

That fear of being alone has an antidote.  It’s an obsession and it has some serious side-effects… unhealthy side-effects that lead to consequences that I’m not able to fuck off like I used too.  And I’m not talking about substances…

I need to sit here, in my shit and think for a while…