Loving it and everything…

I'm pretty sure I'm loving life right now. I can't think of anything I'm not fond of at the moment. Sure I have my resentments but that's not not liking something… that's different.

This feeling came in as I started doing deliveries for Uber Eats on my bike… okay, I do hate something… I hate how the I is next to the O and when I type in images read of on… I do hate that…

Anyway… it's the sheer joy of exercise and the natural shit pumping in my being… it's the pick up chit chat and the drop off charm for each delivery… it's the Pavlovian reaction to the alerts from the app that suddenly give me energy when I didn't think I had another drop in me… it's the tan I'm getting… the calories I'm burning… the muscle I'm building…

It's also not being bored… I was bored today and started thinking stupid shit and so I hopped on the bike and enabled the app and bam… something productive to do.

It's probably the meds as well. I resisted them at my almost peril. Today I'm grateful I'm on them and surrendered to needing them. Today, I'm okay with taking them. I know they're helping and they allow me to focus on life without as much fear of going off the deep end and still hitting my head. #notmanic #onmeds

Love you.

Something’s different

Today I woke up feeling like I can do this… I am doing this… staying clean and (mostly) enjoying life.

It was reinforced when I checked my clean date calculator and it shows 232 days clean today… I feel some pride and accomplishment right now.

I'm not going to analyze the shit out of this yet… let's let this ride and see how it goes… establish a new base line maybe and then try and determine if it's real or not.

As I write that last part, I'm reminded that feelings pass/change and as long as I keep that in mind, I should be able to deal… thanks Kat for that nugget.

Anyway… feeling different today… from my core. There is a new sense of energy and maybe it'll keep going… hoping it will. Love you.

Could be the coffee though 😏

So… Life

Good morning… I’m coming out of it it think… I’m certainly not feeling as awful as I have been the past few days.  

My very, very good friend sent this to me today

Thanks Katy… I am so glad you’re a part of my life.

I had already been thinking about this when it arrived via messenger this morning.  Other friends who have reached out to me have said similar things over the past few days…

I know I tend to analyze things to death and maybe that’s wrong but I’ve got two thoughts on this past and probably previous episodes of mine… maybe one begets the other?  

Fear is what I think started this last bout of whatever off.  Fear of the unknown and of not being accepted and not being good enough and etc.  Once I became fearful, unhappiness followed.

If I’m unhappy, then something is wrong… that’s what my mind tells me… unhappy feelings are difficult to process and are uncomfortable to be with.  My range of emotions/feelings is so limited still and I start to beat myself up for being unhappy and for not understanding why I’m unhappy and get down in myself for not getting out of it and it gets worse and worse. 

My unhappiness and not understanding it turns to resentments towards you and your happiness, success, or actions… and mix that with the previous fear and I’m essentially fucked… again, in my head I’m fucked. 

I have to be reminded we all go through these feelings AND live.  So thank you for all of the reminders friends. I know I write about these things like I’m dying and it’s the worst thing ever… well it is when I’m in it.  I write about what I’m going through. Every time I write, I get some relief… and when you reply or comment, I know I’m not alone… thank you.  I love you for that.  I really do love and appreciate you.

The best part of waking up.

What do you want to do with your life?

I am seriously hoping that I wasn’t buying my work ethic one bag at a time…

Forever I always prided myself on how much and how hard I worked… work ethic is what I called it and I chided and lamented today’s youth for being lazy.  Now that I’m clean and this happened the last time I got clean, I have very little desire to work… maybe it’s not a lack of desire… what is it?

Sometimes I think my job is to stay clean and go to meetings and work my steps and real work.. a jobby-job as Snoops dad called it, gets in the way of that… but if that is the case, then I should be a 12 Step transcendental levitating monk of the highest order…

Other times I think I love the idea of work and want to work so bad and take on the work and then only do the parts I like to do and ignore the mundane yet critical portions that make up the entirety… I’ve said similar about school in that I would love school and excel if I could take the classes I wanted and not have to do all the other crap… and really, more specifically, I want to take the classes I want to take and not be graded… in jobby-job speak, that is getting paid even though I didn’t do the work/all the work/do it well…

And when I have things to do that seem like work… get my license, update my resume, investigate job opportunities… well, that word… WORK… fucks it all up.

Was my work ethic based upon my need to be high and the more I needed to be high and the more I used the more I had to work?  Did that create a false sense of being a hardworking and productive member of society?  Was I?  I’ve been using forever and working just as long it seems… do the two go hand in hand?

How do I figure this out?  How the fuck do I figure this out?  I need money to live while I figure it out… I have to work for money or ask my family for money while I figure this shit out…

Do I want to work?  Do I want to be a monk?  Maybe…

Things just got interesting…

Hello and welcome to life on life’s terms…  today we’ll be covering:

  1. What to do when life throws you a curveball (and your bat isn’t something you can hold in your hands)

I had a wonderful weekend with my son and my mom… from Friday morning to Sunday afternoon… even though the weather was crappy, we found the hours to be not enough to fit in all the things we wanted to do.  I love these weekends… I had lots of coffee… and chili con queso, cinnamon rolls, cookies, pizza, See’s Candy, meatloaf and mashed potatoes and… everything bagels.

I get back to my house yesterday, do my return routine… alcohol swab and urinalysis for drugs… the houseman asked this time what my drug of choice was and also took a little extra care with my test… wrote my name on it… saved it.  Odd but I’m free to go.

This morning I wake up and there are two cups out and a member of the office staff at the house when I head downstairs… I’m asked to take another test… mine from last night came up positive for opiates… which is why I was asked my DOC (meth BTW)…

I take the test along with another guy who had the same results last night… I came up positive again… but like last night, they’re sketchy… not definitive enough not to question… the other guys came up weirder… same opiate results but this time with meth and amphetamine which weren’t there last night…

They ask us both to leave…

No argument will help me… it’s clear… it’s how they do things.  I can’t get upset… it won’t help.  I accept my situation and ask for God’s help…  I’m reminded of th 6:45 AM meeting (which felt like hours ago since I was kinda in shock).  I head to the meeting and I am good to go… I have no fear… I feel at peace and I enjoy myself and I hear every word spoken and I know everything will be okay… it’s crazy to feel that way and I know it and I’m questioning my sanity as I’m enjoying this serenity.

The meeting ends and I call my mom and she is beside herself with worry… she called a lab down the street to see if they can run another test to clear my name and they can and she asks if I’ll do it… I ask the office at my house if they’ll accept the result of another lab and nope… they won’t.  I tell my mom and I can tell she needs this test run… I know I’m clean, she feels I’m clean, but she needs to know.  I head down and take the test.

I passed.  I kind of break down… you see, I started questioning myself about myself… Did I do it and talk myself into thinking I didn’t… How much of a sneaky fuck am I?  I was relieved to get the clean results and glad that I’m not that sneaky.

They took more samples to send off for a more complete/thorough test which will have more results in 12-48 hours, but for the sake of the original test at my house, I’m clean… now what to do?  I don’t want to shove these in their face and say “HA!  I told you.”  I call my friend who works there and explain.  I talk to my sponsor.  I go to a meeting.  I pray.  I am still serene… crazy.

My friend spoke to the office and they accept the results of this lab but aren’t happy about it and it’s my get out of jail free card… I’m a little pissed about that since I didn’t do anything wrong… but I can’t explain the results… or can I?

The everything bagels I had… two of them… have poppy seeds, hence the name… everything.  But I thought that was just a myth anyway… a Seinfeld episode.

“Bagels”

Had this been 53 days ago, even if I was clean, I would have flipped the fuck out and made this so much worse… Hell, just being accused of something I didn’t do…. ‘How dare you accuse me of using… don’t you know who I am?  I’m a meth addict… opiates are for pussies.”  Or something along those lines…

I feel the worst for my mom… she was going to fight for me to the death… her trust in me may have made her blind to the fact that I could be lying to her… I had to reassure her that it’s okay to question me… to wonder if I used or not… we were together this weekend, but not every minute of the day… turns out, she has opiates/opioids in the house (now she tells me… lol) and if I want to use, I’m going to find a way and will use whatever I can get my hands on… I don’t discriminate if I don’t have a choice (like some people may think).  Like I said, I questioned myself.  I’ve only got 52 days and while the obsession to use is mostly lifted, it still pops up occasionally.  While I hate that you (meaning everyone) don’t believe me that I’m clean, my track record shows that there is a good chance I may not be.  I have to remember that.  But thank you mom for believing (in) me… I love you.

So, life… nice try, but I swung for the fences and hit this fucker out of the park… I put my hands together and God did the swinging.  Thank you God.  One question for you though…

Why didn’t you tell me about the poppy seeds?  Huh?  😉

Finally… one thing that was revealed… this was not my exit out of Houston and back to Missoula.  At first I thought, “Yes!  Missoula, here I come!”  But that was my will and once I did the work to keep some normalcy and stability in my life, this was not a sign from God that I should pack up.  I was a little disappointed about that to say the least… but… as I was heading to my office this morning to work, the housing person at my house said she’d call me about moving out of the dorms today… thank you God.

Love you.

A new perspective on life…

Back in the day, when I was using, no one or no thing could do anything right and there was so much blame to go around and any effort I put forth in making myself look good better be fucking recognized and if you said you’d be there you’d better be there and if I was there on time (which rarely happened) and your kid died and you had to cancel then you were a piece of shit and how fucking dare your kid die…

Additionally, if I had any money and I decided to buy you something because I’m nice then I got to buy me something as well because if you got something then I get something and usually nicer and if there wasn’t enough money to get both then fuck you and your gift for embarrassing me in front of god and this dumbass cashier who thinks I’m on meth but she’s a twice-divorced drunk alcoholic (thanks Henry) so she can void out your gift and ring up mine and then void mine because I’m still short because of the fucking ATM fees I had to pay earlier on the withdrawals for cash to buy the fucking meth this cashier thinks I’m on.

Today, I posted about filling out an application and I was told to come back at 10:30 this morning to give it to one guy specifically as they wanted me to get the job and this would move my application to the top and help make things happen… first of all… I’m honored/humbled to be thought of that way and second, I still don’t know what the job is I’m applying for… lol… So I get the app this morning, fill it out and have about an hour to kill before I head back to my place to meet the guy.  I decide to go on a bike ride… ride… ride… ride… taking a scenic route that takes me out a ways but I have time… long story short, I have to haul-ass to make it back to my 10:30 appointment and it’s windy as hell today… 25MPG gusts and when they whip around these skyscrapers in Houston, you can be stopped dead in your tracks or blown over… so I’m fighting against that shit and oh yeah, chain decides to fall off and I have only a few minutes to spare… too many bunny hops over cracks… I can’t help myself.

So I get there and it’s crazy in the waiting room and I wait and gets a little crazier and then I’m told it’s too crazy and that I have to come back tomorrow at 6:30AM… “Okay.  Should I leave this application with you or bring it back?”  I’m told to keep it and I walk out grateful because I have more time to get more professional references to list, I won’t be sweaty from riding my bike like I was, I won’t have grease on my hands from fixing my chain and I won’t have helmet hair.

Later I decide I should get a present for my wife since it’s her birthday soon and she really likes California Crunch from See’s Candy.  So I ride 6.6 miles to the closest See’s and get a half pound of her candy and a half pound of my favorites (Butterscotch Squares) and I go to pay… using my new pre-paid debit card that I got to pay for things like my new domain name for this site and whatever and the cashier rings them up and I swipe and DENIED… try again… DENIED, Over Limit.  I hate math but I start doing it in my head… $30.00 for candy, $12.00 for domain, fees, tax… hmmm… I guess I’m short… “Can I get just one of these then?” I ask.  “Yes?  Then the California Crunch box please.  I’ll get the other later.”  Swipe card, APPROVED, Please Sign.  I ride back the 6.6 miles in the same crazy-ass wind

I guess my point is… being clean (and working a program) makes me more agreeable with setbacks and math and cashiers and schedule changes and life… I have a new perspective on life… J4T.

PS:  No kids died.  That was just an example to make a point.

Update to “Where does my HP fit in…”

In my post yesterday Where does my HP fit in with this situation?, I had some questions and concerns about how my HP is going to protect me.

Last night I spoke to my sponsor who happens to very wise and kind and also a bad-ass.  I ran the question, “So how does my HP fit into my life if I encounter this guy again and he wants to get down?”  And he asked me if I’ve ever been beaten up before and I replied I had.  “Soooo… I should be prepared to be beat up?”

“No, you shouldn’t be afraid because you don’t know who’ll come out on top.  Trust your HP and if something happens, you might be the one explaining to the cops why this guy is laying on the ground and you’re not.  You’ve done nothing wrong since you were doing what you thought was right in trying to protect a girl and if he wants to retaliate, you’re just defending yourself and if you believe you’re right and have faith, you might just come out on top.”

Fear… gone.  Faith and trust… take its place.  I love my sponsor.

Then we talk how I could have handled this situation differently and he says… and this is where my love for him and my respect for his knowledge continues to grow… he says, that instead of focusing on the girl and protecting her, that I could have asked the guy if I could help him.  I escalated the situation by being aggressive to an aggressor and had I shown compassion, maybe he would have told me the deal and I could have helped in a kinder way… without the cops… without the returned aggression… without me fearing retribution.

Basically, I ran an experiment based upon my current level of experience in the program/life and I didn’t like the results… he asked if that means I should never run that experiment again?  Of course not… I just need to run it again using different tactics/means/steps.  I want to help when I can, and I want the best results… keep running the experiment and if I do it right, I get the desired results that I can share and use to help others.

I thank God every day for the events and opportunities he places before me that I get to take advantage of… maybe it should go like this…

Dear God,

thank you for the experiments I was able to run today and for helping me learn from the results… some had excellent results and some need to be re-run.  I appreciate the test lab called life.  Thank you and Amen.

I love my sponsor.