Today's J4T is right on… I'm not talking about secrets about what I've done, but secrets about what I want in a relationship… and how I want to be in a relationship. I'm afraid to say what because I'm afraid to lose you.
I get so far until this shit comes up then you stop learning about me… you'll never know all of me… the relationship becomes a lie from that point. I know it… I don't know if you do or not.
I want to know everything about you but not tell you everything about me. I'm not ready for this today… which is why I need to stay out of romantic relationships for sure. Why start off or continue in a lie? I love you too much for that.
I was in self-will fully and it caused all sorts of insanity I don’t want to get into here. Let’s just say though that in the last 24 hours, all of the lame shit listed in the “Just For Today” reading was my recipe for fucking insanity… it took going to a meeting tonight and hearing this reading to know… I shared on my current state of self-will-induced insanity and listened as others shared their experience, strength and hope and I came out with a better understanding…
Fuck… I just want what I want and will manipulate and rack my brain… sadly, I’m no match for my foe and I’ve learned my lesson again… painful still, but not as agonizing. I have some acceptance right now of my situation… of how things have been worked out… basically, whomever else’s will this was, it wasn’t mine… therefore, it was a power greater than mine… see how that worked out?
So, from today’s reading (The bolded text is me):
|“Our fears are lessened and faith begins to grow as we learn the true meaning of surrender. We are no longer fighting fear, anger, guilt, self-pity, or depression.“
|Basic Text, p. 27
|Surrender is the beginning of a new way of life. When driven primarily by self-will, we constantly wondered whether we’d covered all the bases, whether we’d manipulated that person in just the right way to achieve our ends, whether we’d missed a critical detail in our efforts to control and manage the world. We either felt afraid, fearing our schemes would fail; angry or self-pitying when they fell through; or guilty when we pulled them off. It was hard, living on self-will, but we didn’t know any other way.
Not that surrender is always easy. On the contrary, surrender can be difficult, especially in the beginning. Still, it’s easier to trust God, a Power capable of managing our lives, than to trust only ourselves, whose lives are unmanageable. And the more we surrender, the easier it gets.
When we turn our will and our lives over to the care of our Higher Power, all we have to do is our part, as responsibly and conscientiously as we can. Then we can leave the results up to our Higher Power. By surrendering, acting on faith, and living our lives according to the simple spiritual principles of this program, we can stop worrying and start living.
|Just for Today: I will surrender self-will. I will seek knowledge of God’s will for me and the power to carry it out. I will leave the results in my Higher Power’s hands.
I know that if I continue to live like this… in self-will… then I should stop complaining about how crappy things are… it’s crappy because I’m making it so and if I’m not going to change, then I can’t complain… I’m sorry for my behavior today.
I woke up this morning amd did my normal, but then I didn’t and I bought me a second cup of coffee from the corner store and stood outside in the warm morning fog and pulled out my phone and read the Just For Today reading for NA.
This hit home for me today…
We practice acceptance and remember that feelings like depression will unquestionably pass in time. Rather than struggle with our feelings, we accept them and ask for the strength to walk through them.
I’m not feeling depressed… quite the opposite and the same holds true for what I’m feeling… this happiness that I’m feeling will unquestionably pass in time and I need to accept that and by knowing and accepting that my happiness will pass I know and accept that whatever I come to feel will unquestionably pass with some time.