Complacency is my jam lately

In my post last night, after thinking about it on my walk home, I realized I'm getting complacent… things are easy… sorta kinda… and that lends itself to me slacking off…

Things are good because I'm making money, I have friends, I'm getting to do what I want… and I don't do what I don't want to do… there's the danger… that's it.

There are things I don't want to do… deal with life on life's terms… steps, resume, past financial issues, family stuff… so I don't and I sweep them under the rug and everything is fine…

Riiiiight.

This complacency dam will hold only so long… relapse-mode will start to form cracks and eventually spill over into my daily life and insanity floods everything… metaphorically speaking of course (ha!)

The question is though… how do I not be complacent? That's a stupid question in actuality but not in my head… I feel like complacency will win until the dam holding back the insanity/relapse breaks again.

Dam relapse

Perceived added value

I’m at my parents house helping out on a few household honey-do’s, doing my part as a loving son and keeping my status as all-time favorite offspring (sorry Becky ;0))… and as I wash my dad’s car, I can’t stop thinking about how much better/more fun this would be if she were here with me.

I write about my obsession because this is crazy… I’m washing a fucking car at my parents house and I want her here with me… as I’m washing the car, I’m having conversations with her… in my mind of course, I’m not crazy (ha.)… I can see her next to me laughing or conversing back and when I think… when I realize it’s not happening, washing the car becomes a chore… I get resentful for doing it and I’m mad at her for not being here…

These fantasies create added value to everything I do… until they don’t.  Riding my bike I eventually miss her and it becomes less fun. Driving/grocery shopping/working/whatever would be better with her here…

That’s the insanity of this obsession… I don’t see the same value in the activities I do by myself or even with other friends… not yet anyway… one day.

It Works: How and Why, pg. 14

Which feels worse

… the insanity of trying anything hoping that something will change or finally surrendering and moving on?

The constant hope that I’d crack the code led to disappointment and old feelings of not being good enough… like I was close, but some vital bit of me/my personality was missing/wrong/damaged/whatever… that constant hope of figuring that out led me to do all sorts of things and think all manner of terrible thoughts and spend all sorts of wasted energy and time… all because of my lack of self-acceptance and fears of being alone… who am I if I’m not with you?

Finally surrendering… I need a break from the thinking/crafting/scheming/whatever about any and all ways of being good enough… I’m not even someone else, but I’m certainly not myself… I’m no one right now… that sucks. Surrendering should help those old feelings subside in time… lose to win.

Even though I feel like I’ve made the worst decision of my life right now… I’m pretty sure I haven’t…

Insanity feels worse than surrender… things end with surrender.

Trusting a HP

Yesterday I shared at a meeting about me and trust and how I don’t believe or trust in a higher power really… I mean, every morning I wake up and say “Please God, help me.  Thank you and amen.” But I leave it at that…

I realized on my bike ride this morning that my reason for not trusting my HP is not trust at all but not like the answer he’s going to give me when I want to do something… basically, my will vs. his will…

And my insanity is of my own making… the constant analyzing of this and that is me trying to find a way around the right answer or the truth.

I’m accepting a lot of things in my life… my lot, the path I’ve chosen, what I have to do to make it through the day… but I don’t have any gratitude with that acceptance… and I think that comes from my lack of actual and real surrender to a higher power… to the program… to my conscience… the truth and what is right.

For me to totally surrender to my higher powers will, I have to give up the one thing I think I love the most… I will have to face loneliness and very intense feelings… I’ll have to find acceptance from others and my fucking self… I will have to trust in others and my higher power and the process of the program.

I have never been able to fully surrender.  I have never fully trusted my HP’s plan for me.  I keep holding on just in case he doesn’t know what the fuck it is I want ultimately… and therefore, this… various levels of insanity with minimal serenity and something very unlike recovery.

H

The speed at which my mind can “go there” is a sign of just how weak it can be… this text exchange just happened:

The couple of minutes between my “?” and the response was consumed with I don’t really like H but I’ll do it and how much time before I have to show up for some place and how much money do I have… only then did my son and the probable guilt and shame and clean time thoughts followed… I was ready to do it before I wasn’t.

Slight disappointment followed the reply about it being a mistake… yep…

Today has been more meh than not and look at me… this isn’t to say I was going to actually do it, but it’s disturbing to me still… I’m imagining the insanity if indeed this wasn’t a drill… like if my friend actually was signalling to me… that insanity of the insanity… the okay, I’ve got to plan this shit out and the speed in which it would need to happen and the amount of variables I would need to figure out and inevitable frustration of how I’d be pressed for time and racing against my guilt… trying to beat it before it grew too much to convince me not to do it…

The power of one letter…

I’m the majority shareholder 

It’s an 80/20 split right now between my will and Gods… that’s probably not entirely accurate and fine, it’s 99/1.

If you’re coming here to read about recovery… finding a new way to live… doing the next right thing… sorry and nope.

You might find a glimmer of hope in that I don’t want to use… I definitely don’t want to use.

I just want to take a break from the self reflection… I also want to be comfortable in the sameness that I’m used to… I don’t trust in a power greater than myself right now… because I like this insanity… I can’t have it taken away from me..

I’m not only dealing with the now, for good measure I’ve decided to pile on for the future… to test my long-term resolve… to see just how fucking long I can do this…

Just me.  My will.  A glimmer of hope.

MIA and insanity

Right now my mind is on a friend… I think I know what my family and friends went through when I would go MIA… they thought the worst.  They would reach out then touch base then stop… it was too much for them and they had to protect their own minds from the insanity that my insanity is causing… insanity is passed on/over/through/down and our insanity is self-induced… theirs is caught… we infect them.

I get it though… I’m not blaming though… MIA is a defense mechanism…

BFS-  I am praying for you and I know you’re alive but my mind just races and thinks the worst.  Just be careful and you can call and say anything/everything/nothing okay?  No pressure and no obligation.  Take care.