Give in to relief?

My mind is so fucking clouded right now… it’s dark and good thoughts cannot find the light.  I feel like everything I do is wrong or going to be wrong.  I’m tired and unmotivated.  My confidence if shot to hell and I’m afraid.  I don’t trust me or a higher power or you.  I am slumping/drooped/slow…

I’ve had a few moments of hope that brought about some energy and motivation… I was able to capitalize on them thankfully, but it’s like that came at a cost… I’ve slipped further down.

I’m really fucking unhappy.

Within all of the clouded and jumbled mess of my thoughts that never settle and become legible, there is one… the one… thoughts of her are all day long and the most cohesive and solid.  She’s on the tip of my tongue making a mess of my conversations with others… the last thing on my mind affecting my dreams… the first thought of the morning when I wake…

I want to be made happy by her… I have to make myself happy though… I know this, but it all feels so fucking fake this shit I’m doing… the movements of each day are so fucking forced and hard… I want to give up and ruin everything to be with her… god, even for a second I want to give in to her for some relief.

I’m resigned to being this way for now… not like I’m not trying to get happy, but there doesn’t seem to be much else except to keep doing what I’m doing… go to meetings, keep sharing, keep trying to get on medication, keep taking advantage of the moments of clarity and hope…

That was so two hours ago

I don’t know why I feel the need to keep torturing myself… why be on the verge of losing it all the time… why being so up or so down… I’m punishing myself mentally because I feel I don’t deserve any peace from my past. 

I just finished the evaluation for the recommendation for mental health services. Just the little bit of action and feedback got me to surrender… I’m going to meet with mental health professionals tomorrow morning to get on some medications and start some kind of treatment. 

Its been time for a while… for real. 

Shit goes down the drain.

Skirting the elephant in the room

I do not want to do the 12 Steps. At all. I do not trust the process or a higher power… I do not trust anyone… I feel like I’ll choke to death on the words as they come up… I’ve been swallowing my fears and truth for so long… they’ve become this big black mass of gravitational matter… sucking in more and more fear and painful moments.  The bulk of it is feelings of guilt and shame and that’s what I don’t trust anyone with… so it grows.

I keep searching for ways to recover without the steps…  not using is not going to be enough…  

I’ve got an appointment to see about meds tomorrow… or it’s an appointment to make an appointment about meds… I’m hoping that the action of doing something to help will fucking help… some relief from the wanting to use would be a good start.

I sometimes feel like this is a huge risk… the just not using. Like holding on in hopes I snap out of it but the using happens before then. 

And sometimes I feel guilty for trying to find something other than the 12 Steps. I’ve found some relief working them before with a really good sponsor in a really good fellowship… but I didn’t trust my sponsor with that shit… I became fearful and eventually stopped working the steps. I had other excuses but fear is what overcame me.

I’m listless and meh right now. I hate everything.  I want to make things worse. I want to eat ice cream.  I want someone to not say hi to me or to be breaking a rule. 

I don’t want to use as much as I want to fuck shit up. 

Looking up or flat on my back?

NA Speaker Tape

I needed this one today… it really reinforced the notion that it’s my program and I need to do it for me and if it takes N+i years (where = any number and i = infinity), then so be it… if I’m going to do it (recovery), I’ll do it… and guilt and shame on how quickly it should be done/by which method are not motivating factors… whether the guilt and shame are external or internal, real or imagined.

I relate to the drinking but really wanting to use… how I really have a problem with feelings… the distractions of relationships… pressures of life… envy and anger…

Today… currently… I don’t know how much I want to do this… this being recovery.  Hmmm… I want to be clean, but it’s the recovery that scares me.  It’s the mental health issues… the reasons why… the history… the secrets… telling the truth.

I do know that using will make things worse and I’ll be more miserable than even my most worst days clean… I have my really terrible, shitty and all the way down there moments… the question my sanity/reasons for doing what I’m doing… but I’m not making it worse by using.

Fuck, you could sum it up as having hope… hope and potential for better.

NA Speaker Tape

Today I needed to hear this… it helped me reconnect and find my empathy towards others when I started to feel a little down about my own situation.  I can identify with so many parts of this story that it’s been one of my favorites for a while.  I’ve heard it a number of times and it still gets me out of my own head.  I hope you get the same feeling.

The questions have answers

For the longest I have been sitting in the turmoil of my own doing… questioning the why… wondering the how… pining for the when… analyzing to death the results of my life.  The problem is, and it’s kind of a biggie… I’ve not been truly looking for the answers to my questions… I’ve been waiting for them.

Something has happened this past week… I’ve been forced to do a few things and I’ve experienced some pain and some joy and those have led to some truth and acceptance and trust.

Friday was the first time I’d thought about suicide since my first/last suicide attempt months ago.  I was deep into it and it scared me… the extreme gray heaviness hit fast and I wasn’t prepared… I hadn’t had any thoughts about anything much at all… in fact, I had just left a meeting with my friend and it felt all good… what we talked about though was doing my 4th Step and it was three days removed from my decision on Tuesday.  Minutes later, I was down… crying, walking in circles, I couldn’t leave the property because I was scared and didn’t know what to do… I walked and walked and walked crying the whole time… anyway, I was able to come out of it by reaching out and then meditating and eating and reaching out again… but it left me scared still… the thought of killing myself…

Sunday I went to a meeting that my friend runs and we talked about the promises in the AA Big Book.  That meeting gave me renewed hope… I will discuss them later… but they led to me to keep reading on my own again and more answers to my questions of why, how, when… they’re all there.  What stuck out to me today was this from page 72, Chapter 6, INTO ACTION:

…we have ascertained in a rough way what the trouble is;

To me, this is the high level overview of my problems… I’m getting the picture, but the details are fuzzy.  I need to keep working on them by working The Steps in order to fully understand what the trouble is/are…

I’ve started my 4th Step again and I’m at the point of writing the resentments down for the people, institutions and principles… I’m back at that tomorrow.

I prefer Sid over Frank

I’m still trying to do it my way…

I keep hearing and reading about the solution… there is a therapeutic value in one addict helping another… when I’m feeling down/in my head/self will run riot/whatever… Helping another addict will get me out of that state… working the steps, surrounding myself with other addicts and alcoholics, being present for others will give me that chance to be of therapeutic value to another addict and therefore give me more relief from myself… I say I want that… relief from myself.

I write this all down because it does help me but I hope that it helps other people as well… but this isn’t the suggested manner in providing therapeutic value to another addict… this isn’t one on one or one to a group of people that I have interactions with or contact with or connection with… it’s me and my stupid fucking phone and my feelings coming out as they come out and the words being barfed out and hoping that someone will find something in them to help them or give them hope… it’s fucking random is what it is… it’s hardly a message of hope…

It’s Sid Vicious vs Frank Sinatra.

If I follow the suggestions as outlined in NA/AA and as suggested by all the other addicts who keep telling me the same damn thing… instead of the randomness of my therapeutic value… I could find more consistent relief for myself and for other fellow addicts.

My way or the suggested way?

Might as well ride to the bottom…
I’m going to need to find some relief… lots of it… consistently… from the rest of you…

My way hasn’t been working well enough lately and it’s time to try something different… again.