I see a pattern happening… I'm going to fewer meetings and if I do go, I'm leaving early. I just can't sit there unless I have some more involvement… like leading it or something…
Two things are taking place…
1… Work, specifically my bike delivery job, is my higher power
2… I'm losing touch with the fellowship/friends in NA
My new higher power is work and the feeling I get from the physicalness and the money of it. It's instant and I love that. I get good feelings and rushes of healthy living while working… except when I'm not working, I'm not depressed, but meh at least.
I need friends to fill up the other parts of my day… the random texts and connects I get are spirit lifting even if it feels like I don't need it… without the meetings it inevitably going to mean I lose those friends. Meetings are like nights at the bar or dinner. It's where we talk and laugh and share and learn and help each other… like friends. I absolutely fucking need that.
But here I am typing this after leaving a meeting 30 minutes early. A meeting I was not looking forward to… not in a bad way, just a tired and TV and chilling seem better kind of way… they're not drawing me in like they used too…
Work cannot be my higher power… what if I lose that job? Then what? And if I've stopped going to meetings… then I'm fucked.
I need to find some balance. Missing out is losing out.
I should be in a meeting
I know it's not a normally celebrated milestone, but for me, today, it feels huge to have this much time clean.
It really does work one day at a time and if I don't use no matter what and if I don't quit 5 minutes before the miracle happens… all of the things you hear in meetings are true. They don't always apply, but when they do, they do…
I came close to using so many times during this 8 months. I had all the right reasons to use and yet, with the help of friends, sheer willpower and experience, I didn't use. I was weak and strong at the same time… powerless and power-full…
And I know I'm crazy still… I'm not all there yet… still having my moments of insanity and self-induced pain on the regular… but I'm not regressing by giving in and using… I learning and gaining experience and knowledge and examples to draw from.
My program isn't much most days… what higher power? What steps? What sponsor? What whatever?… but still… I'm doing it and those things still matter to me… I'm getting the most from the fellowship of NA… that friendship of fellow addicts… having friends really is keeping me clean most days. I have less time alone since I have more friends and that's key for me. I am grateful for the fellowship most of all.
Anyway, 8 month today. Living just for today and not using no matter what. Love you.
Blue skies today.
Follow up to my previous post…
That one delivery was it and I thank God for it. It was just enough of a break for me to take some time to think… I finished the delivery and then this…
I texted my sponsor and he called me back right away. We talked and I'm worn out from working and feeling lonely because I'm not talking to her and haven't for about a week. So that loneliness turned into alone and separate from the world…
I wanted to use to give me to boost of energy I needed and to give me a connection to her… a reason to reach out and talk… look at what I'll do because of feelings… specifically to not feel the ones that suck.
So my sponsor and I talked and I'm back home taking a break… if I'm tired I need to rest. Similar concept to yesterday's post… no need to suffer if I don't need too… I need to take care of myself.
I'll have to sit through this "loneliness" until the feeling subsides. I can do that. I've done it before.
I have to admit that talking this out… reaching out for help… feels like a real accomplishment and breakthrough in my recovery. Sharing my pain really helped. I could have suffered through it but why? The literature says to reach out and I did.
I don’t recall if I’ve posted this one before… but today, I can’t listen to music as it brings up feelings I don’t want to deal with today… listening closely to most of my favorite songs, I can find one of two themes: self-pity or obsession.
So, I have to turn to speaker tapes… this one here applies to my current life. He talks about wasting years in recovery by not working and living spiritual principles… how he created his own insanity by his behaviors even while clean… how he was a poor example of recovery for others…
I texted my sponsor this morning… I have a new one, in NA and I’m putting him to the test right away…
I need to start the steps. I have a lot of insanity in my life created by my obsessions and i need it to stop.
I believe in a higher power but have been avoiding the topic because his will doesn’t align with mine… I know it should be the other way around.
I have a lot of fear of a lot of things. I just want to get started so I can move on and be of service and have some self-acceptance and not be so fucking scared.
Part of me is pissed and embarrassed that I have to rely on a higher power to handle my shit… but like I said last night, there is always some fucking higher power handling my shit, whether I like it or not… I might as well make it one of my own understanding.
I have friends smarter than me and using the word god makes me feel weak af. It’s a pride thing I guess… I care what you think and envy your ability to do it on your own… not rely on an unknown, an intangible.
Anyway, I hope to “come to believe” in whatever power that can help relieve me of my insanity, my obsession, my fears…
I was in self-will fully and it caused all sorts of insanity I don’t want to get into here. Let’s just say though that in the last 24 hours, all of the lame shit listed in the “Just For Today” reading was my recipe for fucking insanity… it took going to a meeting tonight and hearing this reading to know… I shared on my current state of self-will-induced insanity and listened as others shared their experience, strength and hope and I came out with a better understanding…
Fuck… I just want what I want and will manipulate and rack my brain… sadly, I’m no match for my foe and I’ve learned my lesson again… painful still, but not as agonizing. I have some acceptance right now of my situation… of how things have been worked out… basically, whomever else’s will this was, it wasn’t mine… therefore, it was a power greater than mine… see how that worked out?
So, from today’s reading (The bolded text is me):
|“Our fears are lessened and faith begins to grow as we learn the true meaning of surrender. We are no longer fighting fear, anger, guilt, self-pity, or depression.“
|Basic Text, p. 27
|Surrender is the beginning of a new way of life. When driven primarily by self-will, we constantly wondered whether we’d covered all the bases, whether we’d manipulated that person in just the right way to achieve our ends, whether we’d missed a critical detail in our efforts to control and manage the world. We either felt afraid, fearing our schemes would fail; angry or self-pitying when they fell through; or guilty when we pulled them off. It was hard, living on self-will, but we didn’t know any other way.
Not that surrender is always easy. On the contrary, surrender can be difficult, especially in the beginning. Still, it’s easier to trust God, a Power capable of managing our lives, than to trust only ourselves, whose lives are unmanageable. And the more we surrender, the easier it gets.
When we turn our will and our lives over to the care of our Higher Power, all we have to do is our part, as responsibly and conscientiously as we can. Then we can leave the results up to our Higher Power. By surrendering, acting on faith, and living our lives according to the simple spiritual principles of this program, we can stop worrying and start living.
|Just for Today: I will surrender self-will. I will seek knowledge of God’s will for me and the power to carry it out. I will leave the results in my Higher Power’s hands.
I know that if I continue to live like this… in self-will… then I should stop complaining about how crappy things are… it’s crappy because I’m making it so and if I’m not going to change, then I can’t complain… I’m sorry for my behavior today.
I keep thinking I have it in me… the word or phrase or action or look or whatever magic to change things… but I’m pretty sure I don’t today.
I don’t want to surrender though… like maybe I haven’t done EVERYTHING and I just need to wait this out… despite the pain and lack of serenity… insanity.
Do you know what everything is? It’s giving up my life in some form or another for someone else… it’s foregoing enjoyment from and caring for others… it’s not living for myself and it possibly includes using… death seems like a drastic statement but maybe not.
I thought today that I need to stop thinking for myself (the irony… I know) for a little bit and run everything by my sponsor. When I’ve complained about not trusting my sponsor, what I really mean is that I don’t trust him to validate my bullshit excuses… he won’t say “yes” I should chase after this girl… he won’t say “yes” to keep trying to convince her I’m the one. I’m afraid he’ll tell me to surrender all of my will and if it’s in some master plan for us it will be and in the meantime, I should focus my attention on me and others that want me and/or my help…
I’m afraid to let that happen… my fear holds me back and is fucking up my serenity and recovery. What am I waiting for? If my magic hasn’t worked yet will it ever?
Yesterday I shared at a meeting about me and trust and how I don’t believe or trust in a higher power really… I mean, every morning I wake up and say “Please God, help me. Thank you and amen.” But I leave it at that…
I realized on my bike ride this morning that my reason for not trusting my HP is not trust at all but not like the answer he’s going to give me when I want to do something… basically, my will vs. his will…
And my insanity is of my own making… the constant analyzing of this and that is me trying to find a way around the right answer or the truth.
I’m accepting a lot of things in my life… my lot, the path I’ve chosen, what I have to do to make it through the day… but I don’t have any gratitude with that acceptance… and I think that comes from my lack of actual and real surrender to a higher power… to the program… to my conscience… the truth and what is right.
For me to totally surrender to my higher powers will, I have to give up the one thing I think I love the most… I will have to face loneliness and very intense feelings… I’ll have to find acceptance from others and my fucking self… I will have to trust in others and my higher power and the process of the program.
I have never been able to fully surrender. I have never fully trusted my HP’s plan for me. I keep holding on just in case he doesn’t know what the fuck it is I want ultimately… and therefore, this… various levels of insanity with minimal serenity and something very unlike recovery.