On feelings

I've been selling myself short I guess… not wanting to feel sadness, but the NA Basic Text says that part of recovery is having real feelings which includes sadness with joy, love, excitement, etc.

Hmmm… I like that actually. When I feel sadness, it's real. It's not based upon anything related to using but more to living life on life's terms.

I do like that.

That gives me permission to be sad which I've felt was wrong and a sign of poor recovery… so it's okay to be something other than positive and still have good recovery.

Seriously liking this.

What am I doing?

I’m happy… and grateful AF… and have my confidence back… my thoughts seem fairly organized… I can accept a compliment and not feel undeserving of it… why?

Not totally sure, but because I want to see if I can connect the dots at some point, here’s what I’ve been doing the past few days…

  • writing gratitude lists when I wake and when I go to bed…
  • guided meditation when I wake up and to fall asleep…
  • cutting out sugar where I can (no more sweets, cookies, Splenda in my coffee)…
  • riding my bike more/again…
  • not paying attention to the news as much (grumpiness aka trumpiness)…

I’ve also stopped saying hello to people that never say it back… and today, I ended my shower with about 30 seconds of cold water only… 

I’ve also tried to address some of the things I’ve had swirling around in my thoughts… the to do’s that don’t seem to need writing down… but hell, just writing them down… a littler clarity/relief followed…

On a lol-side note, I did a couple of things before I wrote them down and then wished I would’ve so I’d have something to scratch off the list.

I don’t know if doing these thing begets happiness or if happiness begets getting things done…

Finally… not in love with the 12-Steps right now… for a few reasons I discovered while talking to my counselor yesterday… the main reason being “feelings”… so a lot of the above is me trying to find that happy place without looking at my 4th Step.  That being said, because I’m so damn grateful for being clean, I’m going to keep on working on it… even if in teeny-tiny bits.  I’m heading out to meet a friend right now and like a couple of school kids (from the old skool), we’re going to do our 4th Steps together, at the library.  D’awwww (shout out).

Finally, I have to find out what middle is for me… what is emotionally just right?  That place that I’m not analyzing or questioning why or how I got there… 

I welcome your thoughts or comments on my list and if you have others you might suggest, please send them.  Love you. 

A more manageable list…

 

Sober Bowl HTX

I am here at the Sober Bowl at the White Oak Music Hall here in my town… HTX.

I need this.  This is fucking bad ass.  I missed the pre-game stuff sadly… I wanted to partake in the good clean fun…

What I’m really loving is the the HTX pride that might just be bigger than being sober pride… collectively… I’d bet on it.

Being down here is my best move in a long ass time.  Fun fact:

The City of Houston ranks #3 in Huffington Post’s, “10 Best Sober Living Cities.”

I knew what I was doing before I knew what I was doing… Higher Power shit for sure.

Anyway, this is all just to say I’m happy… clean and happy.

Go Falcons!​

I’ve been shown what gratitude is

I spent the night with my parents last night and like I always do, brought laundry to do.  I had pizza and cookies and thoroughly enjoyed hanging out with my parents in their new house and went to bed happy and with more gratitude than I had earlier in the day…

I slept in a little and woke up to my parents sitting in the living room talking and being normal, smiling, happy.  My dad got up to go to spin class and my mom jumps up to make sure I’ve got coffee and breakfast if I want it…  I don’t want to impose so I take care of myself while we have a conversation about today’s plan… normal, happy, adult conversation.

As I’m kinda just hanging out, amazed at the house my parents have and that I missed out on while they built it and didn’t care anyway because I was a drug abusing dickhead fuckface…

My mom walks in with my laundry I brought, super-clean, super-fresh smelling, folded to perfection and hands it to me and then starts to walk away… but then she stops and turns around and puts her hands on my arms and says to me, “Thank you for letting me do your laundry.  I didn’t think I’d ever get to do this again.”

And I hugged her and we cried and I said I was sorry and that I was a jerk for causing her so much pain.  She told me she doesn’t care if I move back to Missoula or wherever… she just wants me alive.

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