8 months clean

I know it's not a normally celebrated milestone, but for me, today, it feels huge to have this much time clean.

It really does work one day at a time and if I don't use no matter what and if I don't quit 5 minutes before the miracle happens… all of the things you hear in meetings are true. They don't always apply, but when they do, they do…

I came close to using so many times during this 8 months. I had all the right reasons to use and yet, with the help of friends, sheer willpower and experience, I didn't use. I was weak and strong at the same time… powerless and power-full…

And I know I'm crazy still… I'm not all there yet… still having my moments of insanity and self-induced pain on the regular… but I'm not regressing by giving in and using… I learning and gaining experience and knowledge and examples to draw from.

My program isn't much most days… what higher power? What steps? What sponsor? What whatever?… but still… I'm doing it and those things still matter to me… I'm getting the most from the fellowship of NA… that friendship of fellow addicts… having friends really is keeping me clean most days. I have less time alone since I have more friends and that's key for me. I am grateful for the fellowship most of all.

Anyway, 8 month today. Living just for today and not using no matter what. Love you.
Blue skies today.

Loving it and everything…

I'm pretty sure I'm loving life right now. I can't think of anything I'm not fond of at the moment. Sure I have my resentments but that's not not liking something… that's different.

This feeling came in as I started doing deliveries for Uber Eats on my bike… okay, I do hate something… I hate how the I is next to the O and when I type in images read of on… I do hate that…

Anyway… it's the sheer joy of exercise and the natural shit pumping in my being… it's the pick up chit chat and the drop off charm for each delivery… it's the Pavlovian reaction to the alerts from the app that suddenly give me energy when I didn't think I had another drop in me… it's the tan I'm getting… the calories I'm burning… the muscle I'm building…

It's also not being bored… I was bored today and started thinking stupid shit and so I hopped on the bike and enabled the app and bam… something productive to do.

It's probably the meds as well. I resisted them at my almost peril. Today I'm grateful I'm on them and surrendered to needing them. Today, I'm okay with taking them. I know they're helping and they allow me to focus on life without as much fear of going off the deep end and still hitting my head. #notmanic #onmeds

Love you.

Baditude

I was just so extremely grateful… about 30 minutes ago, I was driving around in my dad’s Mini and happy about life, work, friends… 

but I took the gratitude to another level… I got too cool for school… I tried to manufacture some gratitude with an attitude and when someone tried to stop me… I immediately turned into a jerk.

Then I thought to myself that they’re just doing their job and I should respect it, but I would respect it only insofar as acknowledging they’re doing their job… but I wasn’t goi g to actually change my way… I deserved even more gratitude and that means doing what I wanted to do. 

I was told, again, I needed to do this gratitude killing thing and I glared… hard… no effect whatsoever… so then I went into my room and let the door slam behind me… still, no effect… fine!  I’m doing it…

So I did it.

And I realized how I screwed up my feeling of gratitude and serenity and love for you and life by all by myself… 

What am I doing?

I’m happy… and grateful AF… and have my confidence back… my thoughts seem fairly organized… I can accept a compliment and not feel undeserving of it… why?

Not totally sure, but because I want to see if I can connect the dots at some point, here’s what I’ve been doing the past few days…

  • writing gratitude lists when I wake and when I go to bed…
  • guided meditation when I wake up and to fall asleep…
  • cutting out sugar where I can (no more sweets, cookies, Splenda in my coffee)…
  • riding my bike more/again…
  • not paying attention to the news as much (grumpiness aka trumpiness)…

I’ve also stopped saying hello to people that never say it back… and today, I ended my shower with about 30 seconds of cold water only… 

I’ve also tried to address some of the things I’ve had swirling around in my thoughts… the to do’s that don’t seem to need writing down… but hell, just writing them down… a littler clarity/relief followed…

On a lol-side note, I did a couple of things before I wrote them down and then wished I would’ve so I’d have something to scratch off the list.

I don’t know if doing these thing begets happiness or if happiness begets getting things done…

Finally… not in love with the 12-Steps right now… for a few reasons I discovered while talking to my counselor yesterday… the main reason being “feelings”… so a lot of the above is me trying to find that happy place without looking at my 4th Step.  That being said, because I’m so damn grateful for being clean, I’m going to keep on working on it… even if in teeny-tiny bits.  I’m heading out to meet a friend right now and like a couple of school kids (from the old skool), we’re going to do our 4th Steps together, at the library.  D’awwww (shout out).

Finally, I have to find out what middle is for me… what is emotionally just right?  That place that I’m not analyzing or questioning why or how I got there… 

I welcome your thoughts or comments on my list and if you have others you might suggest, please send them.  Love you. 

A more manageable list…

 

What’s it worth?

What I have, I’m not satisfied with… obviously to no one but me.  It’s the reason I’m still not happy… I get the momentary reprieves from sadness/anger and then they’re gone… during the moments of what/who used to make/keep me happy… as I’m happy I feel it slipping away… it’s day turning into night and I can’t stop it.

To me, this seems like a lack of gratitude and acceptance… I’m just not satisfied with what I have…  I want more/change…

I’m neither fighting for what I have or working to change things… I’m just sitting here.  It’s not like I am enjoying this feeling… and I hate talking about it now… so much I don’t… or barely… who the fuck wants to hear about this shit one more fucking time?

I make these lists of things I can do to improve my life… I write them as “to do’s” but they become “NEED to do’s” because I don’t do them… and that’s what I’m talking about…

Nothing seems working fighting for or working towards… not nothing… I’m holding on, not fighting for, to my clean time because of what I’ll lose…

the relationship with my son

I’m not sure what else I care about right now… I don’t even want to be clean… for me anyway.

 

For you, for me

So, I’ve been doing this ever since I read the article last week.

I’ve been reaching out via text to people and letting them know I’m thinking of them or telling them they’re awesome or whatever.  Nothing too crazy and just a couple every day…

It’s done wonders for me… it’s given me a chance at connecting and empathizing with my friends that are still out there.  I’m reminded about my own clean time and become grateful when I may have been resentful… I’m also keeping the door open for service work instead of isolating.

I know in one instance it helped another… I sent a text last night before I went to bed and I got this reply:

You have no idea how much I needed that. Thank you and I hope things are going well for you!

Their reply held just as much power to change my mood as mine to them… I was left suspended with gratitude, grace and mercy… my body was weak with joyous relief but my spirit was energized and felt free to end the day.

This isn’t a new concept, of course “random acts of kindness” has been around forever, but I wasn’t ready for it… and if I pulled off any it was driven by a me-only motive… your happiness was a random side-effect.

This morning I woke up to another reply from a friend and again, I’m filled with gratitude that I’m not suffering out there, trying to get clean again.  I’m thankful for his reply because I know he’s alive.

Those little bits for you are for me too.  Love you.

No, you are… you’re the rockstar.

You can’t spell graditude without RAD… 

I know I know… 

Anyway, rad day today.  Had a little rough patch midday with some worry about my trip this week and I was kind of on my own… in my head on my own… and I had to take a few walks to kind of wear myself out… I kept at my tricks…. saying hello, taking pictures, taking a different path or around a different block… but what got me out of it finally was just not worrying about it and going back to work.  I just said deal with it later and did what was in front of me… 

That helped immensely… chop wood, carry water my sponsor would say.

I talked to Open Aid Alliance today which placed my face in permagrin… we went over the list of to do’s to do while I visit Missoula… I can’t wait to not be high and actually finish a task and be productive and honestly… show myself off.  I’m stoked to show them that I’m doing it… being clean and helpful and healthy… basically the Craig they’ve never really encountered but have always believed was inside me.

Found a new meeting as well… a “We Agnostics and Athiests” AA meeting… its right up my alley at this point in my recovery. I got me a Big Book as well. Shit is moving in the right direction…

So I have plenty of gRADitude today… totally gRADitude…

I’m a doofus. I know. 

Clothes once hung are now folded for Missoula.