I had a friend relapse yesterday and this morning I am reading chapter 7 in the NA Basic Text. My old sponsor used to have me read it every time I relapsed or whenever friend I cared about relapsed.
It is an amazing bit of writing. The last paragraph on page 80 is me… in fact I’m all over this chapter.
It wasn’t enough to see my friend coming down from a three day binge on meth… I knew I didn’t want to be in that same position but reading this chapter is reinforcing that I was in fact about to go out. All the signs were pointing to a relapse for me.
I’m writing this even before I finish the chapter… I’m only on page 81 and I had to stop reading because I felt a spiritual experience come over me. The answers are truly in the writing and I just need to refer to it more often.
SIDE NOTE: Hanging out with this guy yesterday was so good for me… it was the reminder I needed of the consequences of using… sure, it can be fun and all of the things I keep thinking it’d be, but his condition after a three day run was sad… super-twitchy and unable to sit still, feeling guilty and ashamed, hungry and tired… I was grateful I could be there for him and even more so for the IRL experience of the downside of using… the fucking come-down.
Due to my inability to not show it, I’ve started to say it… come to terms with it I guess… admit it in hopes of changing it… I’m fucking depressed.
It still seems like it’s not a thing I should be concerned by… I don’t trust the signs that this is depression and not a drug related issue… fuck me. Still in a detox-like state… or…
If I would just surrender, fully admit I can never use drugs again, find and trust in a fucking higher power, get a sponsor, work the steps then all my depressive disorders would be addressed and I wouldn’t be a big mess like I am now.
I feel guilty for not surrendering and for outright fighting the notion of working a program… for not believing the literature or other addicts or history… I feel guilty for not trusting you or the process… for not accepting, it seems, my fucking fate…
I fight, therefore I am depressed… not the other way around. Every thought I have seems to bring about a Depressive response… it’s probably not every thought, but my mind is mostly in high gear analyzing and comparing everything to how it fits into a program.
I’m not trying to bash 12 Step programs… hell, I’m waiting for a NA meeting to start now… there is value for me in hearing other people share as it keeps me from thinking I’m the only one… but the fear I have moral inventories, trusting someone with my shit, believing in a higher power turns to guilt for having the fear and not pushing through.
Which leads to depression…?
I’m grateful I don’t want to use right now… I just want the depression to be gone… I just want to be Craig.
Yo! Dude. I’m here waiting for you or maybe you’re already here… either way, before I see you I wanted to give you major fucking props.
I am so stoked for you. Having you here in Houston has been a blessing to my recovery… you my friend are the only person from my past here that I have hung out with. I’m not sure exactly what that means but to me it seems at minimum interesting but I’m sure it’s way more cosmic than that… Higher Power shit… more will be revealed.
I had no clue to the depths you travelled but my God man… my fucking God you have a purpose on this morherfucking planet… please keep that in mind and know that it might just be for this addict or some other soul or a Tuesday noon meetings worth… it matters that you’re here and clean and it doesn’t matter where you’re at in your recovery compared to anyone else… not that you’re worried about that I’m just saying… I worry about that… sorry…
One fucking year… excuse me, 365 days in a row. Remember if anyone asks you what comes after a year… the answer is 366 days.