People, family and friends, have been thanking me… Craig Fucking Flint… for being clean.
The more clean time I get and the more I work on my shit the more I understand what a self-centered, selfish, my way or the highway jerk I was and the more clean time I get I understand that people fucking loved/love me and that I add something to their lives… something I haven’t figured out yet…
I should be thanking you… thanking you for sticking with me and not giving up and believing that I can change and that I’m better clean than when using and for all of the rest of the love/compassion/help/understanding you showed even though I shredded you to pieces for your “weakness”… I manipulated you when you cracked… I forced your will to be mine… I turned you into me and we became a team of hate… you deserve all of the thanks. Without you, I wouldn’t be here for you to thank.
Thank you and I love you.
I just got home after spending a few hours at the fundraiser for Open Aid Alliance... I honestly have too many words to write about this event that I can’t even start… but…
I am addicted to the rush of using and everytime I want to end a run, I want to go out with a bang… the hugest rush that blasts me off from one lonely planet to an entire galaxy of health, hope and opportunity… that rush is supposed to sustain me for some reason… but it’s never going to because it’s not real. It’s not human. It’s not a connection to what is right… it’s manufactured, in a lab, with no care/love.
Tonight was the rush I’ve been looking for… I have for the past two hours been praised for my bravery… what? Thanked over and over for my time and my honesty… Hugged and hugged and hugged by strangers and friends and encouraged to keep doing what I’m doing and that they’ll never forget what I said tonight… More people have more hope for me than I think I’ve ever had for myself, ever.
I’m grateful for the opportunity to share and to help my beloved OAA. I am unsure about my future still, but I’ve never been more assured that I can make a difference, that I’ve got something to offer and I’m better off listening to others than myself sometimes/most times…
Thank you everyone for this… the best fucking mic drop to end a run ever. I love you and you have made this addict more hopeful and a little less scared. Bye Missoula… bye my friends.
My plan is now in full effect… it’s reality and no stopping it unless I die and I kinda want that to happen… but I don’t…
I’m moving back to Houston, going into sober living facility and getting my shit together… I planned on this a few weeks ago and have been delaying it due to one excuse or another, but this morning… I woke up in a mood and immediately wanted to use and I just said fuck it… either use or do the right thing. You did it dude… I know… so I called my parents (I’m 46 and still calling my parents for help which shows how lame I am) and told them to get me out of here ASAP.. I have the fundraiser on Thursday and then I’m ready to go… I’m leaving everything behind… taking clothes and computer and that’s it. The rest are memories that I can like with in my head.
Immediately, sadness overwhelmed me… sadness that isn’t regret but true sadness… that’s new. I can’t regret if I’m going to make a better life for myself. Regret is for relapses. Regrets are excuses. I fuck regrets.
So… I will ben on a plane to Houston in a few days and starting a new life in my old hometown. I am ready to set fire to this past year. Burn it all. And no fucking phoenix reference because I’m not rebuilding from these ashes. I am starting anew.
My friends in Missoula… I love you and love you and love you and love you and fucking miss you already… my friends in Houston… I need you and need you and need you and can’t wait to see you.
I’m going to be a sentimental, tearful, sad sack of shit these next few days. I’m sorry…
Day two of being clean, BTW.
I am so fucking sorry for my posts about you and how you hurt me and all the other bullshit that I didn’t take any responsibility for.
Ultimately, it was my preference to be a victim and put myself in situations that I could find something to create a resentment about… and ultimately, post about… which made me feel good because it made you feel bad… that is so fucked up.
I am a better person for knowing each of you. I understand more about myself because of you. These past few weeks have been some of my most reflective and you have helped me find the strength to consider making my life better. You two are amazing and I hope my stupid fucking posts showed more about what a fucking dick I am and what tolerant people you are for hanging out with me.
I appreciate you both, love you to death and apologize forever for what I said and did. I hope you can forgive me. Maybe this’ll help…
Three Best Friends…
I just had a very, very long conversation with my using partner and I think it’s the most productive/constructive we’ve ever had.
It took a long ass time to get to a level of civility that allowed us to hear what the other was saying and actually understand that we both want the same thing. We appreciate what each other brings to the relationship… that we’re both bad and good… there are things to work on… but, ultimately, we want to be in each others lives.
I’m going to try and manage my level of commitment to this relationship and not go in whole hog. Like I’ve mentioned in other posts, I am extremely extreme… if I’m using, it’s not just to dabble, but to get as close to the edge as possible… when I’m not using, it’s no drugs at all and I’ll suffer through the pain regardless… and with friendships, it’s only a few close friends and I rely on them to a fault probably and if they’re not around, I’m fucked… I need to find more friends that I can call on, to open up to and fucking just hang out… duh, what a concept… why do I have to express myself all the time? Why can’t I just hang out and just be? Can I just have a pal, using or not and just hang? I struggle with that… shit has to have meaning to me… what the fuck is that about?
Anyway, I’m glad we had this conversation. Want to hang out?
By the time I was 21, I had more dead friends than fingers.
Source: Remembering Dead Friends on Overdose Awareness Day | VICE | United States
I think of my friend Damon who OD’d years ago. I was devastated and cried for a week. We used together pretty heavily during out teens and didn’t turn anything down. If you had it, we wanted it. But it never seemed like anything to worry about, even as we got into shooting speed, heroin, smoking crack, and taking lots of LSD. Look at us now… he’s dead, I’m almost dead. I’ve loaded up a few massive shots recently and said to myself/to God, “I’m ready to see Damon now.” Before I plunge all the way down, I see my sons face appear and I stop injecting.
I loaded up a massive shot last night… did it all… no visions to stop me…
I have more to offer this world apparently.