Self-pity party

It’s impossible to be in self-pity very long knowing what I know… that was the gist of my last post… being clean ruins the party.

I have the ability to recognize when I’m in my own shit… and I have the ability to get out of it…

I was miserable all day for reasons beyond what I wrote earlier… I had a therapy session that I ruined because I knew what I needed to do before it happened… but during the session, I was fighting logic and rational thought… I wanted to be sad and miserable and have these reasons and get a little sympathy and yet not let this person help me… I was gonna suffer damnit!  Why bother?  I’m a mess/wreck… I’m hopeless/fucked… I keep doing this… It’s clear I can’t be helped…

Ahhhh… but I can be if I want to be.  And I do… I don’t like the feeling of self-pity… the laziness of it all… so I made a mental note to do one thing different today…

I walked to my mandatory house meeting… which got me outside for a few minutes and interacting with others… then I spoke to a few of them and one mentioned a meeting and possibly needing a ride to which I committed myself too… and that boosted me a bit…

That person didn’t need a ride after all but I went anyway… got lost but kept at it… and sat down to listen and the topic was self-pity and everything was made clear… 

I even shared about what I was doing and it helped… I wish I could remember all the great things others  said about self-pity, but I can’t but they helped. 

And tomorrow is another day… I can stop with the sugar, get back to the meditation and gratitude list… I don’t have to live by today results… I am actually pretty fucking stoked that I turned this party out. It feels amazing. 

My first real food of the day… no sugar.

Perfect porridge

So after yesterday’s post, I pretty much took immediate action on what I could and worked through the rest as best I could.

  • For my number one offense… I sat with an apology written and didn’t want to send it and wanted to send it… the not wanting to came from the fear of “being in trouble” and admitting that I’d done something wrong and that’s been an issue for me all my life… I have instances I relive and feel shitty about all the time… here’s one that comes up regularly… I don’t recall how old I was but I was young and I went to the bathroom and pee’d and not all of it made it in and I didn’t wipe up the rim of the toilet.  When I was asked about it and it was very obviously me, I denied it… I didn’t clean it up and I denied it… knowing that I was clearly the one, the only one who could pull off peeing on the rim on this toilet and I denied it.  It’s one of the memories that comes back to me and makes me cringe with regret… I didn’t want this new offense to do that to me, so I sent the apology… I had to of course because I owed it to this person but also because I needed to try a new way to live… later on that day, I was able to talk to that person and clear up the issue even more… and talking to my therapist last night, it was clear that this awareness is progress… it can’t come back to haunt me later on.
  • I went for the job after talking to a friend and my sponsor and it turns out we both got a position… I didn’t need to worry about my friend not getting his and it wouldn’t have been my fault anyway… my sponsor reminded me that who’s to say I would have gotten the job?  Like I was predicting the future already and worrying about a friendship and I would have had a resentment had I conceded without trying… so we both start on Thursday… yes!
  • The hole… I still have to deal with, but I have a little time on that… I’ve been approved to move, but I won’t have the money until the first or so… 
  • Still sick, sicker actually, but not dying…

Finally, in regards to bipolar, yesterday felt like what normal should feel like… like it started off kinda rough, of my own doing, but going along, I never really let it get to me… I kept reaching out and letting people in… kept asking questions and listening… being aware.

I was able to help another friend last night… she called and we talked for almost an hour and again, it was so helpful to me… more than she could know…

Yesterday didn’t feel out of control… too excited or down… I sent this text to a friend last night…

…it’s weird, but today felt like my most normal/middle day… not too happy, not too sad, but just right. It was the perfect porridge of a day. 

Making it happen creates normal.

More dots to connect

Today feels different… less orderly and more jumbled as the thoughts in my brain fight for control… 

Dots

  • I lied this morning in order to manipulate and control someone else
  • I have to fix a hole in my wall and I’m not sure if I should if I should say what happened or not… but I have to fix it before I can move
  • I want to apply for a job that a friend is also applying for and will feel bad if I get it and he doesn’t
  • I don’t want to do my 4th Step right now as part of my daily routine even though I said I would
  • I worry I might be bipolar and already predicting the worst and having to numb these feelings… good and bad
  • I’m sick… sore throat and tired
  • Money problems, lack of specifically

So while I’m not spiraling down to the worst point of depression in my mind, I’m creating the momentum for that to happen.  These are self-inflicted for the most part. Duh Craig… 

And because I’m not happy, I’m building resentments towards those in my way… this is all me… come on dude… you can fix this shit easily. You just made a list, go down the list, scratch them off and feel better.

These can help you run or kick ass… your choice, Craig

Fucking amazing

Folks… I can feel the difference… physically, emotionally and spiritually feel the difference in my every minute… 

I didn’t use when I really and so fucking close wanted too… when I was one step away from a transaction… money in my pocket and connection at the ready… I didn’t do it…

At a NA Speaker Jam yesterday, I heard the exact reason I had for not using… the experience this person explained thank God went through my mind and I avoided it… he explained his story in which, his thought about using made perfect sense right up until he did, and as soon as he used, he knew… he knew it was a terrible decision and the guilt and shame came on… I was able to foresee that same event when I wanted to use not too long ago…

Not using and sitting through some hard feelings and self-inflicted pain finally led to feeling like I wanted something different.  I did stuff I didn’t want to do and tried not making things worse and I’m here now, grateful and happy af… like I’ve been this way for days upon days now and it feels fucking amazing.  

And what keeps happening now is that I’m of right mind and spirit to help others and I’m of help… like real help… I was able to help my mom yesterday with some feelings she had… the son helping the mom with life… yes!  And then being outside myself and meeting people yesterday, I found an opportunity to volunteer possibly doing some harm reduction help at a non-profit super close to my house… and today I was able to talk to my son about an uncomfortable topic and help him understand what the deal was and why it was important to learn from it… and then, I get a text from my friend… and because I’m not so wrapped up in my own self-pity, I called instead of texting… I feel that confident I’m being able to listen… really listen and make suggestions… turns out, she and I have similar shit and little did she know, she was blowing my mind… as we continued talking, she thinking I’m helping her and I know she helping me, she said the exact thing I needed to hear…

I heard it because I’m open-minded to new ideas and willing to get out of myself and help someone else today…

That comes from being clean still… not giving up… 

and it feels fucking amazing. Love you.  

My favorite photo of the day.

Whatever it is, more please.

And thank you.

What an amazing day… juices are flowing again… I feel almost invincible… like I don’t want to test it, but if you came at me right now, I could handle whatever… 

that’s not an invitation… let me enjoy this.  🙂

Anyway, today was great… just for more dots to connect later if needed…

  • I made progress on an application to move into a new unit here that I’d been avoiding but that could have save me hundreds of dollars
  • Rode about 20 miles today and explored new trails along the bayou
  • Talked recovery for about 3 hours with a friend
  • Worked on my 4th Step
  • Went to a NA meeting

So I did things new to me, I did things I didn’t really want to do, I did things I’d been putting off… it was like a day of discovery.

I did have a few moments of feeling like I might be too happy… and I acted compulsively twice, both with twinges of regret… posting on FB and carrying on needlessly… perhaps you didn’t notice, but it felt like too much as soon as I did it and I questioned myself.

Finally… in this mornings post, where I mentioned I stopped saying hello to people who didn’t say it back… well tonight, one of those people not only initiated the hello, he struck up the first conversation we’ve ever had… letting go.

So it was a damn good day.  Gratitude list and meditation and bedtime… like I’ve been doing. Keep up the good work, Craig.  Love you. 


This is from today’s bike ride… I’m a doofus.  🙂

What am I doing?

I’m happy… and grateful AF… and have my confidence back… my thoughts seem fairly organized… I can accept a compliment and not feel undeserving of it… why?

Not totally sure, but because I want to see if I can connect the dots at some point, here’s what I’ve been doing the past few days…

  • writing gratitude lists when I wake and when I go to bed…
  • guided meditation when I wake up and to fall asleep…
  • cutting out sugar where I can (no more sweets, cookies, Splenda in my coffee)…
  • riding my bike more/again…
  • not paying attention to the news as much (grumpiness aka trumpiness)…

I’ve also stopped saying hello to people that never say it back… and today, I ended my shower with about 30 seconds of cold water only… 

I’ve also tried to address some of the things I’ve had swirling around in my thoughts… the to do’s that don’t seem to need writing down… but hell, just writing them down… a littler clarity/relief followed…

On a lol-side note, I did a couple of things before I wrote them down and then wished I would’ve so I’d have something to scratch off the list.

I don’t know if doing these thing begets happiness or if happiness begets getting things done…

Finally… not in love with the 12-Steps right now… for a few reasons I discovered while talking to my counselor yesterday… the main reason being “feelings”… so a lot of the above is me trying to find that happy place without looking at my 4th Step.  That being said, because I’m so damn grateful for being clean, I’m going to keep on working on it… even if in teeny-tiny bits.  I’m heading out to meet a friend right now and like a couple of school kids (from the old skool), we’re going to do our 4th Steps together, at the library.  D’awwww (shout out).

Finally, I have to find out what middle is for me… what is emotionally just right?  That place that I’m not analyzing or questioning why or how I got there… 

I welcome your thoughts or comments on my list and if you have others you might suggest, please send them.  Love you. 

A more manageable list…

 

Alcoholic, former addict, arsonist: Never too late to ask for help

Priscilla Keim is an alcoholic, a former meth addict and an arsonist. She comes from California and a background of abuse, generations of it.

Read the story here.

An excellent article from 2013 about a friend of mine.  Her story is amazing and inspiring.