Distance loneliness

Part of my issue is actual and perceived loneliness…

Like right now I feel both… it’s early and I’m up before you and I’m drinking coffee and pacing and need you… but you’re asleep still… and I’m not just talking about her but you as well…

Part of my issue is I don’t interact much after and in between meetings with you… I go to our meetings and we get along great, but fear keeps me from taking it to the next level… I’ve written about this before… for years…

Somatically (I hope I’m using that right), my loneliness is an actual feeling in my stomach and chest… in my chest, I feel it reaching out in a force that is causing some tightness in my rib cage… like it’s my fibers of my body trying to connect with yours… in my stomach, it’s just a black pit, hard and pressing on me like a fist.

I’ve written about feeling lonely in a group of friends… I’ve always felt that way… like I’m in realtime doubting that they really like me and I feel totally less than…

Anyway… it sucks. I have so many hours in the day that I feel this way and I don’t know how to get past it… the distance of loneliness I feel.

Losing not missing out

I see a pattern happening… I'm going to fewer meetings and if I do go, I'm leaving early. I just can't sit there unless I have some more involvement… like leading it or something…

Two things are taking place…

1… Work, specifically my bike delivery job, is my higher power
2… I'm losing touch with the fellowship/friends in NA

My new higher power is work and the feeling I get from the physicalness and the money of it. It's instant and I love that. I get good feelings and rushes of healthy living while working… except when I'm not working, I'm not depressed, but meh at least.

I need friends to fill up the other parts of my day… the random texts and connects I get are spirit lifting even if it feels like I don't need it… without the meetings it inevitably going to mean I lose those friends. Meetings are like nights at the bar or dinner. It's where we talk and laugh and share and learn and help each other… like friends. I absolutely fucking need that.

But here I am typing this after leaving a meeting 30 minutes early. A meeting I was not looking forward to… not in a bad way, just a tired and TV and chilling seem better kind of way… they're not drawing me in like they used too…

Work cannot be my higher power… what if I lose that job? Then what? And if I've stopped going to meetings… then I'm fucked.

I need to find some balance. Missing out is losing out.
I should be in a meeting

8 months clean

I know it's not a normally celebrated milestone, but for me, today, it feels huge to have this much time clean.

It really does work one day at a time and if I don't use no matter what and if I don't quit 5 minutes before the miracle happens… all of the things you hear in meetings are true. They don't always apply, but when they do, they do…

I came close to using so many times during this 8 months. I had all the right reasons to use and yet, with the help of friends, sheer willpower and experience, I didn't use. I was weak and strong at the same time… powerless and power-full…

And I know I'm crazy still… I'm not all there yet… still having my moments of insanity and self-induced pain on the regular… but I'm not regressing by giving in and using… I learning and gaining experience and knowledge and examples to draw from.

My program isn't much most days… what higher power? What steps? What sponsor? What whatever?… but still… I'm doing it and those things still matter to me… I'm getting the most from the fellowship of NA… that friendship of fellow addicts… having friends really is keeping me clean most days. I have less time alone since I have more friends and that's key for me. I am grateful for the fellowship most of all.

Anyway, 8 month today. Living just for today and not using no matter what. Love you.
Blue skies today.

For my friends

Today there is a memorial for my friend Jesse… it’s got me thinking of him and as I was listening to music this morning, this song came on and I was reminded of our last conversation… when he was high and reciting Bible verses to me… tears running down his cheeks, arms wrapped around himself, looking at me then the ground then me, sliding downward in his chair, ashamed and guilt-riddened, desperate for relief and help. I hope… I’m sure he’s found it.

Then I started thinking about other friends that I’ve lost to addiction and this song came to mind. For Damon and Kelly especially…

Finally a song of hope for those still suffering…

Love you.

I’m not used to this

It makes me feel uncomfortable when people are genuinely nice to me… when they care for reasons I can’t figure out.

I do this all the time… I go outside of my comfort zone when pain or my brain get too bad. I ask for help in a text or email and then dread a response… please ignore what I just said… everything is fine actually… oh fuck… you responded. Damn.

And I side-eye the response… a short skim of your message looking for something cringeworthy… not bad but kindness cringeworthy… it feels better when you either don’t respond or you give me something to be resentful about…

But nope… people send me shit I ask for and I’m supposed to respond but I get so uncomfortable with the level of care I just send back those damn thinking bubbles until I exit out of the message app altogether…

Here’s and example from today that’s got me writing…

See what I mean… ugh. I hardly know this guy and he’s so fucking nice… responded right away and dinner?

Honestly, I love that I have people like this to turn to. I can’t figure out shit on my own and it’s nice to ask someone who has been through the same dumb stuff as me and made it to the other side. It’s uncomfortable because of my own issues… it’s not him, it’s me… I still can’t get used to this feeling…

I have to go respond now… the bubbles have disappeared.

H

The speed at which my mind can “go there” is a sign of just how weak it can be… this text exchange just happened:

The couple of minutes between my “?” and the response was consumed with I don’t really like H but I’ll do it and how much time before I have to show up for some place and how much money do I have… only then did my son and the probable guilt and shame and clean time thoughts followed… I was ready to do it before I wasn’t.

Slight disappointment followed the reply about it being a mistake… yep…

Today has been more meh than not and look at me… this isn’t to say I was going to actually do it, but it’s disturbing to me still… I’m imagining the insanity if indeed this wasn’t a drill… like if my friend actually was signalling to me… that insanity of the insanity… the okay, I’ve got to plan this shit out and the speed in which it would need to happen and the amount of variables I would need to figure out and inevitable frustration of how I’d be pressed for time and racing against my guilt… trying to beat it before it grew too much to convince me not to do it…

The power of one letter…

It’s my party

Still struggling with self-pity… 

it’s so easy to get into this mode.  It comes mostly in the silence… in the isolation…

Aa I was writing that, clarity showed up…

I was outside waiting for my sponsor when a guy that used to be here where o stay came up and started talking.  He went out on a hard relapse and is looking for help again… I was immediately taken out of self andun support of another addict… he wants to be locked up in a facility so he has to get clean… I told him that won’t work unless he’s willing. I’ve been locked up and either used inside or walked out anyway… it’s about wanting to quit and not using no matter what.

So I spent a few minutes with this guy and it turns out he’s waiting to speak to my sponsor as well… we’re talking and I’m not thinking of my shit but if this guy and the knowledge I can share about my experiences and the hope I can impart and it’s feeling good.

My sponsor showed up and I let them take off and plan to meet with my sponsor tomorrow now… the guy thanks me and I’m feeling the effects of being selfless… confident/smiling/happy/energetic/wanting to do more…

When I invite others into my self-pity party… it becomes more like a get down and boogie party… I’m not the host and the only guest.  You change the dynamic and it feels good.

I just had the experience that you hear about in meetings all the damn time… the therapeutic value of one addict helping another.

Handy reference today.