I had a friend relapse yesterday and this morning I am reading chapter 7 in the NA Basic Text. My old sponsor used to have me read it every time I relapsed or whenever friend I cared about relapsed.
It is an amazing bit of writing. The last paragraph on page 80 is me… in fact I’m all over this chapter.
It wasn’t enough to see my friend coming down from a three day binge on meth… I knew I didn’t want to be in that same position but reading this chapter is reinforcing that I was in fact about to go out. All the signs were pointing to a relapse for me.
I’m writing this even before I finish the chapter… I’m only on page 81 and I had to stop reading because I felt a spiritual experience come over me. The answers are truly in the writing and I just need to refer to it more often.
SIDE NOTE: Hanging out with this guy yesterday was so good for me… it was the reminder I needed of the consequences of using… sure, it can be fun and all of the things I keep thinking it’d be, but his condition after a three day run was sad… super-twitchy and unable to sit still, feeling guilty and ashamed, hungry and tired… I was grateful I could be there for him and even more so for the IRL experience of the downside of using… the fucking come-down.
Hi. Finally a little relief from myself tonight. The meeting I went to was good and I heard a lot about people feeling the same as I… hate not being happy, not understanding why, not sharing about not being happy…
I finally had some relatable friends and I got called on to share and I shared where I’m at: went from yay God to not trusting God to fuck God… and that I’ve been in my head for two weeks now and how long do I sit in the shit before I give up and the only reason I’m clean today is Jackson… and that I’m waiting for him to leave so I can use again… and that I only know happy and sad right now and can’t even name any other feelings at this time…
It felt good and came out exactly how I wanted it to… no stumbling or code… real shit and people related and came up to me afterwards and said thanks for sharing because they’ve been feeling the same…
I needed this tonight and whether it lasts past falling asleep, I’m having the longest bout of relief I’ve had in weeks.
I woke up early early way too early this morning thinking about Saturday morning.
I am extremely excited about my trip to Missoula today (Friday) and have been all over social media talking about it… generating hype about it… making sure you all know I’m coming…
Saturday morning I’m meeting a friend for coffee which is the start of seeing you in real life for an entire week…
All my one-liners and short prose I write on FB and elsewhere will need to be strung together into cohesive conversations… I’ll have to do this on the fly, off the cuff… live up to without going back to edit for maximum whatever… this is where you say,
“just be yourself Craig.”
I know I know. I recognize this in myself… I’m so good behind the keyboard… controlling who I am… sometimes… and I get excited over my own profiles/status updates and think they’re really me and they’re not… mostly not. Fuck, it’s kind of putting myself up on a pedestal that the real me can’t reach… fuck, you meeting me IRL will be different as well… I’m setting expectations on myself to act a certain way, the online way… I need to be IRL online. I just want you to like me… all of you.
My sponsor is a real, always real dude. So is my sister… they scare me sometimes with just how real they are IRL, but that’s because it’s different and truthful and it’s not about acting a part here or there and keeping all of that act together. It’s probably easier to live that way.
So Saturday morning… it’s going to be great. I can’t wait. I’ll start working on the IRL Craig and see who I am.
For the longest I have been sitting in the turmoil of my own doing… questioning the why… wondering the how… pining for the when… analyzing to death the results of my life. The problem is, and it’s kind of a biggie… I’ve not been truly looking for the answers to my questions… I’ve been waiting for them.
Something has happened this past week… I’ve been forced to do a few things and I’ve experienced some pain and some joy and those have led to some truth and acceptance and trust.
Friday was the first time I’d thought about suicide since my first/last suicide attempt months ago. I was deep into it and it scared me… the extreme gray heaviness hit fast and I wasn’t prepared… I hadn’t had any thoughts about anything much at all… in fact, I had just left a meeting with my friend and it felt all good… what we talked about though was doing my 4th Step and it was three days removed from my decision on Tuesday. Minutes later, I was down… crying, walking in circles, I couldn’t leave the property because I was scared and didn’t know what to do… I walked and walked and walked crying the whole time… anyway, I was able to come out of it by reaching out and then meditating and eating and reaching out again… but it left me scared still… the thought of killing myself…
Sunday I went to a meeting that my friend runs and we talked about the promises in the AA Big Book. That meeting gave me renewed hope… I will discuss them later… but they led to me to keep reading on my own again and more answers to my questions of why, how, when… they’re all there. What stuck out to me today was this from page 72, Chapter 6, INTO ACTION:
…we have ascertained in a rough way what the trouble is;
To me, this is the high level overview of my problems… I’m getting the picture, but the details are fuzzy. I need to keep working on them by working The Steps in order to fully understand what the trouble is/are…
I’ve started my 4th Step again and I’m at the point of writing the resentments down for the people, institutions and principles… I’m back at that tomorrow.
Yo! Dude. I’m here waiting for you or maybe you’re already here… either way, before I see you I wanted to give you major fucking props.
I am so stoked for you. Having you here in Houston has been a blessing to my recovery… you my friend are the only person from my past here that I have hung out with. I’m not sure exactly what that means but to me it seems at minimum interesting but I’m sure it’s way more cosmic than that… Higher Power shit… more will be revealed.
I had no clue to the depths you travelled but my God man… my fucking God you have a purpose on this morherfucking planet… please keep that in mind and know that it might just be for this addict or some other soul or a Tuesday noon meetings worth… it matters that you’re here and clean and it doesn’t matter where you’re at in your recovery compared to anyone else… not that you’re worried about that I’m just saying… I worry about that… sorry…
One fucking year… excuse me, 365 days in a row. Remember if anyone asks you what comes after a year… the answer is 366 days.
Right now my mind is on a friend… I think I know what my family and friends went through when I would go MIA… they thought the worst. They would reach out then touch base then stop… it was too much for them and they had to protect their own minds from the insanity that my insanity is causing… insanity is passed on/over/through/down and our insanity is self-induced… theirs is caught… we infect them.
I get it though… I’m not blaming though… MIA is a defense mechanism…
BFS- I am praying for you and I know you’re alive but my mind just races and thinks the worst. Just be careful and you can call and say anything/everything/nothing okay? No pressure and no obligation. Take care.