Losing not missing out

I see a pattern happening… I'm going to fewer meetings and if I do go, I'm leaving early. I just can't sit there unless I have some more involvement… like leading it or something…

Two things are taking place…

1… Work, specifically my bike delivery job, is my higher power
2… I'm losing touch with the fellowship/friends in NA

My new higher power is work and the feeling I get from the physicalness and the money of it. It's instant and I love that. I get good feelings and rushes of healthy living while working… except when I'm not working, I'm not depressed, but meh at least.

I need friends to fill up the other parts of my day… the random texts and connects I get are spirit lifting even if it feels like I don't need it… without the meetings it inevitably going to mean I lose those friends. Meetings are like nights at the bar or dinner. It's where we talk and laugh and share and learn and help each other… like friends. I absolutely fucking need that.

But here I am typing this after leaving a meeting 30 minutes early. A meeting I was not looking forward to… not in a bad way, just a tired and TV and chilling seem better kind of way… they're not drawing me in like they used too…

Work cannot be my higher power… what if I lose that job? Then what? And if I've stopped going to meetings… then I'm fucked.

I need to find some balance. Missing out is losing out.
I should be in a meeting

Seat for a lifetime

Man… I am digging the 6:45 AM meetings lately… hearing what I need to hear… quality and quantity. 

I’ve read this a few times and today it stuck… from the AA Big Book, Chapter 3, page 30:

No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.

How vain I was to try and control my drinking/using… How many different ways did I try and how many people did I wish I could be when it came to controlling my using… a million or more… 

I have a friend that can do meth recreationally… they buy some and stick it in the freezer and use it on special nights out… I tried that… except that special night became 5 minutes later, middle of the day and it never made it to the fucking freezer… let’s see, what else?

Fixing measured shots ahead of time and telling myself I was allowed only this many per day… except I’d miss and need to use another or I didn’t get the rush I wanted or I had work to get done…

Having someone else dole out my shit… that worked until they weren’t home and I destroyed the file cabinets, desk drawers, garage and other hiding places until I found the stash, both hers and mine and used it all…

I had all sorts of intentions and best laid plans… I just didn’t have the help of a power greater than myself to stop.

Today I do.  Today, I have a seat in a fellowship that can help me when I need it. I have earned a seat and I intend to keep it…