Today, I have nothing left over to scrape from, suck on, lick or otherwise ingest to alter my mood or mind. I am in detox mode as I type this and already feeling I’ve lost control of my emotions. Starting today, there is no middle ground, but only extremes… switching to one or another in a snap… I know it’s happening, I want to control it, but I cannot… The damage will be done.
I can do this… I’m pretty fucking sure I can do this…
I just don’t care anymore. I’m not suicidal… I’m just not interested in participating in life. The problem I have is I suck at suffering. I cannot couch surf, ask for handouts, walk around all day with nothing to do, eat Top Ramen, and the rest of what looks to be my future if I don’t snap out of this.
I’m only saying this here to make it more real… me more accountable… to show you I know what to do… I just have some blockage stopping motivation and rational thoughts.
I’m out of meth which is kind of on my mind as well…
As the time between my last shot and now increases, the ability to take action decreases. I find myself filled with anxiety as I try to avoid feeling… anything. The memories, forgotten forever as of yesterday, are coming back as the meth wears off… my brain is chemically out of whack causing me to feel immediately the wrong emotion x’s 1000… any song is a trigger for death… my own or someone else depending on how they look at me.
This is me, detoxing.
And I still don’t know if I’m done or not. I don’t have all of the answers or the plan.
I hate this part… I feel this sense of life coming. I’ve done my last shot and not sure what I want to do at this point. All I know is that feelings of guilt, shame, regret and more are invading the high I’m experiencing.