Secrets and intimacy

This…

Today's J4T is right on… I'm not talking about secrets about what I've done, but secrets about what I want in a relationship… and how I want to be in a relationship. I'm afraid to say what because I'm afraid to lose you.

I get so far until this shit comes up then you stop learning about me… you'll never know all of me… the relationship becomes a lie from that point. I know it… I don't know if you do or not.

I want to know everything about you but not tell you everything about me. I'm not ready for this today… which is why I need to stay out of romantic relationships for sure. Why start off or continue in a lie? I love you too much for that.

Love you.

Loving it and everything…

I'm pretty sure I'm loving life right now. I can't think of anything I'm not fond of at the moment. Sure I have my resentments but that's not not liking something… that's different.

This feeling came in as I started doing deliveries for Uber Eats on my bike… okay, I do hate something… I hate how the I is next to the O and when I type in images read of on… I do hate that…

Anyway… it's the sheer joy of exercise and the natural shit pumping in my being… it's the pick up chit chat and the drop off charm for each delivery… it's the Pavlovian reaction to the alerts from the app that suddenly give me energy when I didn't think I had another drop in me… it's the tan I'm getting… the calories I'm burning… the muscle I'm building…

It's also not being bored… I was bored today and started thinking stupid shit and so I hopped on the bike and enabled the app and bam… something productive to do.

It's probably the meds as well. I resisted them at my almost peril. Today I'm grateful I'm on them and surrendered to needing them. Today, I'm okay with taking them. I know they're helping and they allow me to focus on life without as much fear of going off the deep end and still hitting my head. #notmanic #onmeds

Love you.

For my friends

Today there is a memorial for my friend Jesse… it’s got me thinking of him and as I was listening to music this morning, this song came on and I was reminded of our last conversation… when he was high and reciting Bible verses to me… tears running down his cheeks, arms wrapped around himself, looking at me then the ground then me, sliding downward in his chair, ashamed and guilt-riddened, desperate for relief and help. I hope… I’m sure he’s found it.

Then I started thinking about other friends that I’ve lost to addiction and this song came to mind. For Damon and Kelly especially…

Finally a song of hope for those still suffering…

Love you.

On feelings

I've been selling myself short I guess… not wanting to feel sadness, but the NA Basic Text says that part of recovery is having real feelings which includes sadness with joy, love, excitement, etc.

Hmmm… I like that actually. When I feel sadness, it's real. It's not based upon anything related to using but more to living life on life's terms.

I do like that.

That gives me permission to be sad which I've felt was wrong and a sign of poor recovery… so it's okay to be something other than positive and still have good recovery.

Seriously liking this.

Something’s different

Today I woke up feeling like I can do this… I am doing this… staying clean and (mostly) enjoying life.

It was reinforced when I checked my clean date calculator and it shows 232 days clean today… I feel some pride and accomplishment right now.

I'm not going to analyze the shit out of this yet… let's let this ride and see how it goes… establish a new base line maybe and then try and determine if it's real or not.

As I write that last part, I'm reminded that feelings pass/change and as long as I keep that in mind, I should be able to deal… thanks Kat for that nugget.

Anyway… feeling different today… from my core. There is a new sense of energy and maybe it'll keep going… hoping it will. Love you.

Could be the coffee though 😏

Still… Jesse

Jesse is still on my mind… not 24/7 but when it's quiet or when certain music comes on (or I play it on purpose) or when I'm on FB and friends post some pictures or something in memorial to him…

I don't want to be over this loss… there was too much invested in our relationship to just get over it.  We went deep into the dark one night… I wasn't prepared for that level insanity… demons.  It pissed me off and I didn't speak to him for a bit.  But it's fucking Jesse and I valued the clean Jesse more than I hated the using Jesse and when he came back from a run, we fucking hugged it out and said we loved each other and we were back…

There is a memorial for him this weekend… I keep thinking I want to be there… I want to help, I want to be with the Fellowship of Missoula NA, I want to be sad with them and be happy with them and hear more about my friend…

I'm glad his suffering of all sorts is over, but I hope it was painless and it fucking sucks he was alone in a fucking van in an Old Navy parking lot… just sitting there until someone decided to investigate.

I hate that he was alone… I hate that he was alone… I hate that he was alone.  What was he thinking?  How was he feeling?  Was he ready?  I hate that he was alone and we don't know…

I've been listening to this in his memory… Love you Jesse.

I’m not used to this

It makes me feel uncomfortable when people are genuinely nice to me… when they care for reasons I can’t figure out.

I do this all the time… I go outside of my comfort zone when pain or my brain get too bad. I ask for help in a text or email and then dread a response… please ignore what I just said… everything is fine actually… oh fuck… you responded. Damn.

And I side-eye the response… a short skim of your message looking for something cringeworthy… not bad but kindness cringeworthy… it feels better when you either don’t respond or you give me something to be resentful about…

But nope… people send me shit I ask for and I’m supposed to respond but I get so uncomfortable with the level of care I just send back those damn thinking bubbles until I exit out of the message app altogether…

Here’s and example from today that’s got me writing…

See what I mean… ugh. I hardly know this guy and he’s so fucking nice… responded right away and dinner?

Honestly, I love that I have people like this to turn to. I can’t figure out shit on my own and it’s nice to ask someone who has been through the same dumb stuff as me and made it to the other side. It’s uncomfortable because of my own issues… it’s not him, it’s me… I still can’t get used to this feeling…

I have to go respond now… the bubbles have disappeared.