On feelings

I've been selling myself short I guess… not wanting to feel sadness, but the NA Basic Text says that part of recovery is having real feelings which includes sadness with joy, love, excitement, etc.

Hmmm… I like that actually. When I feel sadness, it's real. It's not based upon anything related to using but more to living life on life's terms.

I do like that.

That gives me permission to be sad which I've felt was wrong and a sign of poor recovery… so it's okay to be something other than positive and still have good recovery.

Seriously liking this.

Something’s different

Today I woke up feeling like I can do this… I am doing this… staying clean and (mostly) enjoying life.

It was reinforced when I checked my clean date calculator and it shows 232 days clean today… I feel some pride and accomplishment right now.

I'm not going to analyze the shit out of this yet… let's let this ride and see how it goes… establish a new base line maybe and then try and determine if it's real or not.

As I write that last part, I'm reminded that feelings pass/change and as long as I keep that in mind, I should be able to deal… thanks Kat for that nugget.

Anyway… feeling different today… from my core. There is a new sense of energy and maybe it'll keep going… hoping it will. Love you.

Could be the coffee though 😏

Still… Jesse

Jesse is still on my mind… not 24/7 but when it's quiet or when certain music comes on (or I play it on purpose) or when I'm on FB and friends post some pictures or something in memorial to him…

I don't want to be over this loss… there was too much invested in our relationship to just get over it.  We went deep into the dark one night… I wasn't prepared for that level insanity… demons.  It pissed me off and I didn't speak to him for a bit.  But it's fucking Jesse and I valued the clean Jesse more than I hated the using Jesse and when he came back from a run, we fucking hugged it out and said we loved each other and we were back…

There is a memorial for him this weekend… I keep thinking I want to be there… I want to help, I want to be with the Fellowship of Missoula NA, I want to be sad with them and be happy with them and hear more about my friend…

I'm glad his suffering of all sorts is over, but I hope it was painless and it fucking sucks he was alone in a fucking van in an Old Navy parking lot… just sitting there until someone decided to investigate.

I hate that he was alone… I hate that he was alone… I hate that he was alone.  What was he thinking?  How was he feeling?  Was he ready?  I hate that he was alone and we don't know…

I've been listening to this in his memory… Love you Jesse.

I’m not used to this

It makes me feel uncomfortable when people are genuinely nice to me… when they care for reasons I can’t figure out.

I do this all the time… I go outside of my comfort zone when pain or my brain get too bad. I ask for help in a text or email and then dread a response… please ignore what I just said… everything is fine actually… oh fuck… you responded. Damn.

And I side-eye the response… a short skim of your message looking for something cringeworthy… not bad but kindness cringeworthy… it feels better when you either don’t respond or you give me something to be resentful about…

But nope… people send me shit I ask for and I’m supposed to respond but I get so uncomfortable with the level of care I just send back those damn thinking bubbles until I exit out of the message app altogether…

Here’s and example from today that’s got me writing…

See what I mean… ugh. I hardly know this guy and he’s so fucking nice… responded right away and dinner?

Honestly, I love that I have people like this to turn to. I can’t figure out shit on my own and it’s nice to ask someone who has been through the same dumb stuff as me and made it to the other side. It’s uncomfortable because of my own issues… it’s not him, it’s me… I still can’t get used to this feeling…

I have to go respond now… the bubbles have disappeared.

Which feels worse

… the insanity of trying anything hoping that something will change or finally surrendering and moving on?

The constant hope that I’d crack the code led to disappointment and old feelings of not being good enough… like I was close, but some vital bit of me/my personality was missing/wrong/damaged/whatever… that constant hope of figuring that out led me to do all sorts of things and think all manner of terrible thoughts and spend all sorts of wasted energy and time… all because of my lack of self-acceptance and fears of being alone… who am I if I’m not with you?

Finally surrendering… I need a break from the thinking/crafting/scheming/whatever about any and all ways of being good enough… I’m not even someone else, but I’m certainly not myself… I’m no one right now… that sucks. Surrendering should help those old feelings subside in time… lose to win.

Even though I feel like I’ve made the worst decision of my life right now… I’m pretty sure I haven’t…

Insanity feels worse than surrender… things end with surrender.

Reading again

I started reading again… “It Works:  How and Why“.  I’m desperate for some relief today and I found a PDF of it on the internet and started reading… and it took me back to a couple of years ago when I was really, really trying this out for the first time and my sponsor, Baer, had me reading from this book every damn day… and I remember reading aloud in my empty house… no one but me in a 2000 sq. ft. home, only a couple of pieces of furniture left and my voice echoing in the living room… I paced back and forth in front of the windows and I’m sure the neighbors knew I had lost it by then…

This book goes deeper than the Basic Text and it took me reading it multiple times for some of it to sink in… “It Works” goes beyond the symptom of my disease… it assumes I know that drugs are an issue, but I have deeper, underlying issues with my addiction… it discusses the obsession and compulsion…

I am obsessed and therefore, I compulse… right?

I read chapter one again, on Step One and I started crying… I had forgotten the technicalities of my disease… it’s simple but it’s not… I was so grateful to be reminded that I suffer from obsession and compulsion, especially after the past few days to weeks…

This paragraph hit me the hardest today, because…

The spiritual part of our disease, the part we may recognize only by a feeling of emptiness or loneliness when we first get clean, is perhaps one of the most difficult aspects of addiction for us. Because this part of our disease affects us so profoundly and so personally, we may be overwhelmed when we think about applying a program of recovery to it. However, we need to keep in mind that recovery doesn’t happen overnight for anyone.

my feelings of loneliness lead me to obsess and be compulsive.

So anyway, I’m in my room, reading aloud as I pace back and forth… it just feels right.

Speaker Tape: Came To Believe

 

I don’t recall if I’ve posted this one before… but today, I can’t listen to music as it brings up feelings I don’t want to deal with today… listening closely to most of my favorite songs, I can find one of two themes:  self-pity or obsession.

So, I have to turn to speaker tapes… this one here applies to my current life.  He talks about wasting years in recovery by not working and living spiritual principles… how he created his own insanity by his behaviors even while clean… how he was a poor example of recovery for others…

I texted my sponsor this morning… I have a new one, in NA and I’m putting him to the test right away…

I need to start the steps. I have a lot of insanity in my life created by my obsessions and i need it to stop.

I believe in a higher power but have been avoiding the topic because his will doesn’t align with mine… I know it should be the other way around.

I have a lot of fear of a lot of things.  I just want to get started so I can move on and be of service and have some self-acceptance and not be so fucking scared.

Part of me is pissed and embarrassed that I have to rely on a higher power to handle my shit… but like I said last night, there is always some fucking higher power handling my shit, whether I like it or not… I might as well make it one of my own understanding.

I have friends smarter than me and using the word god makes me feel weak af.  It’s a pride thing I guess… I care what you think and envy your ability to do it on your own… not rely on an unknown, an intangible.

Anyway, I hope to “come to believe” in whatever power that can help relieve me of my insanity, my obsession, my fears…