Fear to change

There is no rational reason for this last relapse…

I keep trying to explain it to people… the reason why and none of them get it… that must mean there’s nothing to get…

But again, as I sit here thinking about getting and staying clean and what I need to do to do it, I’m paralyzed by fear…

  • Of being alone
  • Of not getting what I want
  • Of change

Ugh… nothing changes if nothing changes.

Distance loneliness

Part of my issue is actual and perceived loneliness…

Like right now I feel both… it’s early and I’m up before you and I’m drinking coffee and pacing and need you… but you’re asleep still… and I’m not just talking about her but you as well…

Part of my issue is I don’t interact much after and in between meetings with you… I go to our meetings and we get along great, but fear keeps me from taking it to the next level… I’ve written about this before… for years…

Somatically (I hope I’m using that right), my loneliness is an actual feeling in my stomach and chest… in my chest, I feel it reaching out in a force that is causing some tightness in my rib cage… like it’s my fibers of my body trying to connect with yours… in my stomach, it’s just a black pit, hard and pressing on me like a fist.

I’ve written about feeling lonely in a group of friends… I’ve always felt that way… like I’m in realtime doubting that they really like me and I feel totally less than…

Anyway… it sucks. I have so many hours in the day that I feel this way and I don’t know how to get past it… the distance of loneliness I feel.

No days

I’m writing this kinda high… not on my DOC which seems like an important point…

I officially relapsed last week and in between then and now, I’ve gotten high a couple of more times… I should have 9 months today.

The list of reasons I stayed clean this long were numerous, but not endless and not enough… some days it was for me, but mostly not… it was for you and the kid and the cheap rent and the girl and the fellowship/friends and the not being able to because of consequences… I can’t, not I don’t want to.

So am I done? Well fuck… using isn’t changing anything… my life isn’t any better… I don’t have the friends/girl/peace… I haven’t had any consequences (yet)… Currently, I am and still feel alone, and even more so really.

And yet, I can’t say for sure… I didn’t get to use my DOC, which feels like missing out and if I went this far, why not try it once… right?

I’m done for today though…

Can someone remind me of today and that nothing changed for the better by using if I ever say I want to use again?

See? Just me.

When life catches up

Fuck life right now… fuck my past using especially… specifically fuck the consequences of my using…

Fuck Webster Bank and fuck their legal representation…

Fuck the IRS and MT State…

Fuck them all for making me think of my past and for interfering with my life as I experience it today… fuck them for ruining my serenity… fuck them for limiting my choices and closing in on me…

Feeling trapped by my decisions… trapped by my actions… my world seems really small right now…

No… fuck you Craig. This is life on life's terms and you can't avoid reality forever… for long… remember your new fave line in the Basic Text? "Reality and life go on whether we choose to accept them or not"… that's this right now…

Here's another of your highlighted faves… "for some reason, not taking care of our personal affairs lowers our self-esteem and establishes a pattern that repeats itself in all areas of our lives."…

It's not even life on life's term since you haven't been living it like that… you've been avoiding and only doing what you want… not what needs to be done… and now what needs to be done is waaaaay the fuck beyond your ability to deal. But you gotta deal and not be a pussy.

So… sorry your past is so littered with your own financial destruction… it's caught up and it's time to figure this shit out. Not shut down. You're going to have to deal with your wife and feelings and resentments will happen… you'll have to compromise and accept and surrender and be willing… you'll have to be timely and responsible and a fucking grown up.


The past and the present

Complacency is my jam lately

In my post last night, after thinking about it on my walk home, I realized I'm getting complacent… things are easy… sorta kinda… and that lends itself to me slacking off…

Things are good because I'm making money, I have friends, I'm getting to do what I want… and I don't do what I don't want to do… there's the danger… that's it.

There are things I don't want to do… deal with life on life's terms… steps, resume, past financial issues, family stuff… so I don't and I sweep them under the rug and everything is fine…

Riiiiight.

This complacency dam will hold only so long… relapse-mode will start to form cracks and eventually spill over into my daily life and insanity floods everything… metaphorically speaking of course (ha!)

The question is though… how do I not be complacent? That's a stupid question in actuality but not in my head… I feel like complacency will win until the dam holding back the insanity/relapse breaks again.

Dam relapse

Something new for me

Follow up to my previous post

That one delivery was it and I thank God for it. It was just enough of a break for me to take some time to think… I finished the delivery and then this…

I texted my sponsor and he called me back right away. We talked and I'm worn out from working and feeling lonely because I'm not talking to her and haven't for about a week. So that loneliness turned into alone and separate from the world…

I wanted to use to give me to boost of energy I needed and to give me a connection to her… a reason to reach out and talk… look at what I'll do because of feelings… specifically to not feel the ones that suck.

So my sponsor and I talked and I'm back home taking a break… if I'm tired I need to rest. Similar concept to yesterday's post… no need to suffer if I don't need too… I need to take care of myself.

I'll have to sit through this "loneliness" until the feeling subsides. I can do that. I've done it before.

I have to admit that talking this out… reaching out for help… feels like a real accomplishment and breakthrough in my recovery. Sharing my pain really helped. I could have suffered through it but why? The literature says to reach out and I did.

Love you.

Feeling lonely makes me want to use

Feeling alone at the moment and this…

Typing a message to a guy I know to see if he can score. I got to this point before I realized I should do something different.

Fuck this feeling of loneliness… using doesn't bring me friends or cure the feeling… I know it makes it worse ultimately… but it's my go to… my right away go to… my almost and did it go to.

Work thank God just picked up. I hope I can ride this out.