When life catches up

Fuck life right now… fuck my past using especially… specifically fuck the consequences of my using…

Fuck Webster Bank and fuck their legal representation…

Fuck the IRS and MT State…

Fuck them all for making me think of my past and for interfering with my life as I experience it today… fuck them for ruining my serenity… fuck them for limiting my choices and closing in on me…

Feeling trapped by my decisions… trapped by my actions… my world seems really small right now…

No… fuck you Craig. This is life on life's terms and you can't avoid reality forever… for long… remember your new fave line in the Basic Text? "Reality and life go on whether we choose to accept them or not"… that's this right now…

Here's another of your highlighted faves… "for some reason, not taking care of our personal affairs lowers our self-esteem and establishes a pattern that repeats itself in all areas of our lives."…

It's not even life on life's term since you haven't been living it like that… you've been avoiding and only doing what you want… not what needs to be done… and now what needs to be done is waaaaay the fuck beyond your ability to deal. But you gotta deal and not be a pussy.

So… sorry your past is so littered with your own financial destruction… it's caught up and it's time to figure this shit out. Not shut down. You're going to have to deal with your wife and feelings and resentments will happen… you'll have to compromise and accept and surrender and be willing… you'll have to be timely and responsible and a fucking grown up.


The past and the present

Complacency is my jam lately

In my post last night, after thinking about it on my walk home, I realized I'm getting complacent… things are easy… sorta kinda… and that lends itself to me slacking off…

Things are good because I'm making money, I have friends, I'm getting to do what I want… and I don't do what I don't want to do… there's the danger… that's it.

There are things I don't want to do… deal with life on life's terms… steps, resume, past financial issues, family stuff… so I don't and I sweep them under the rug and everything is fine…

Riiiiight.

This complacency dam will hold only so long… relapse-mode will start to form cracks and eventually spill over into my daily life and insanity floods everything… metaphorically speaking of course (ha!)

The question is though… how do I not be complacent? That's a stupid question in actuality but not in my head… I feel like complacency will win until the dam holding back the insanity/relapse breaks again.

Dam relapse

Something new for me

Follow up to my previous post

That one delivery was it and I thank God for it. It was just enough of a break for me to take some time to think… I finished the delivery and then this…

I texted my sponsor and he called me back right away. We talked and I'm worn out from working and feeling lonely because I'm not talking to her and haven't for about a week. So that loneliness turned into alone and separate from the world…

I wanted to use to give me to boost of energy I needed and to give me a connection to her… a reason to reach out and talk… look at what I'll do because of feelings… specifically to not feel the ones that suck.

So my sponsor and I talked and I'm back home taking a break… if I'm tired I need to rest. Similar concept to yesterday's post… no need to suffer if I don't need too… I need to take care of myself.

I'll have to sit through this "loneliness" until the feeling subsides. I can do that. I've done it before.

I have to admit that talking this out… reaching out for help… feels like a real accomplishment and breakthrough in my recovery. Sharing my pain really helped. I could have suffered through it but why? The literature says to reach out and I did.

Love you.

Feeling lonely makes me want to use

Feeling alone at the moment and this…

Typing a message to a guy I know to see if he can score. I got to this point before I realized I should do something different.

Fuck this feeling of loneliness… using doesn't bring me friends or cure the feeling… I know it makes it worse ultimately… but it's my go to… my right away go to… my almost and did it go to.

Work thank God just picked up. I hope I can ride this out.

Secrets and intimacy

This…

Today's J4T is right on… I'm not talking about secrets about what I've done, but secrets about what I want in a relationship… and how I want to be in a relationship. I'm afraid to say what because I'm afraid to lose you.

I get so far until this shit comes up then you stop learning about me… you'll never know all of me… the relationship becomes a lie from that point. I know it… I don't know if you do or not.

I want to know everything about you but not tell you everything about me. I'm not ready for this today… which is why I need to stay out of romantic relationships for sure. Why start off or continue in a lie? I love you too much for that.

Love you.

Loving it and everything…

I'm pretty sure I'm loving life right now. I can't think of anything I'm not fond of at the moment. Sure I have my resentments but that's not not liking something… that's different.

This feeling came in as I started doing deliveries for Uber Eats on my bike… okay, I do hate something… I hate how the I is next to the O and when I type in images read of on… I do hate that…

Anyway… it's the sheer joy of exercise and the natural shit pumping in my being… it's the pick up chit chat and the drop off charm for each delivery… it's the Pavlovian reaction to the alerts from the app that suddenly give me energy when I didn't think I had another drop in me… it's the tan I'm getting… the calories I'm burning… the muscle I'm building…

It's also not being bored… I was bored today and started thinking stupid shit and so I hopped on the bike and enabled the app and bam… something productive to do.

It's probably the meds as well. I resisted them at my almost peril. Today I'm grateful I'm on them and surrendered to needing them. Today, I'm okay with taking them. I know they're helping and they allow me to focus on life without as much fear of going off the deep end and still hitting my head. #notmanic #onmeds

Love you.

For my friends

Today there is a memorial for my friend Jesse… it’s got me thinking of him and as I was listening to music this morning, this song came on and I was reminded of our last conversation… when he was high and reciting Bible verses to me… tears running down his cheeks, arms wrapped around himself, looking at me then the ground then me, sliding downward in his chair, ashamed and guilt-riddened, desperate for relief and help. I hope… I’m sure he’s found it.

Then I started thinking about other friends that I’ve lost to addiction and this song came to mind. For Damon and Kelly especially…

Finally a song of hope for those still suffering…

Love you.