Two-fold OR more of the same OR  whatever

I’m in it now… avoiding all human conversation except for “tall drip with room” and “thank you” has allowed me to analyze my current condition… or it’s caused me to walk down the spiral even more… 

It’s like a punishment and a test at the same time…

I’m punishing myself for feeling the way I do… for being in self-pity and for knowing what to do but not doing it… I’m angry with myself for not reaching out… for ignoring you… for staying in the shit because it’s also a test.

This is a test of my own resolve. Like why the fuck can’t I figure out what to do and then do it on my own will fucking power?  I ask for help knowing the answer (hoping though it’s not that one) and somehow you telling me it works?  Why? I generally score very high when it comes to the right answer to my own questions… it’s the enthusiasm and execution in which I fail.

I’ve been back at my house for hours now… laying in bed distracting myself with YouTube and music because the silence is when I start thinking/feeling again.

Where does my will to fight come from?

I did look at the resume issue again and it’s all fear based of course… the part about looking at my past is not that I don’t want to look at it… fucking nope… it’s that I’m ashamed of it.

There is fear around my resume because I don’t know… it’s for an IT company and I feel like I don’t know anything about what they’d be looking for me to do… and no, the fact that I do IT everyday as a consultant and have done IT for almost 30 years does not change my mind that I’m probably waaay over my fucking head every day and any minute the truth will come out that I’m just some dude who keeps getting lucky with shit… I can’t explain what I do, I just do it.  How do I explain that on a resume? 

I’m just not all that confident in my ability today.  And I feel bad because a friend is trying to help and I’m vomiting all over it.  It was the greatest news ever until I got alone and started thinking it through… 

God I could go on and on… that’s my mind/self-pity on overdrive… but writing this out seems a little helpful…

What’s out there for me?

Close to home

My roommate relapsed last night and has been packed out of the house. I came home last night after a weekend at my parents, honestly kind of relieved he wasn’t here… I had a rough day and didn’t want to talk/deal… I got up this morning and he was still gone and yet I thought he was probably out working as he’s done before… 

I came home today and my room was a mess… and all his shit gone… and all of my clothes gone… my shoes and toiletries as well… WTF?  What the fuck? I thought… the motherfucker took my shit…

Turns out I assumed he was a prick who would steal my hanging clothes but not my folded in the drawer clothes…  no, he was packed out as they do here when you relapse… your shit is bagged up in a very no time for bullshit manner and stored. Well, my shit was bagged with his and I figured it out with the help of the staff and I have it all back hanging and sorted as before…

Why I’m writing this… comparing my writing of yesterday and the day before, I’m not even a tiny bit empathetic… I’m sympathetic but my emotional connection isn’t there like it is with those I’ve recently written about… it’s weird to me.

I’m pretty sure it’s due to resentments I have towards my roommate that are based upon my own fears of speaking up for myself… I’m mad at you because I’m mad at myself shit. Sadly, the resentments have worked themselves out now with him being gone… fuck that sounds bad…

My fears/resentments kept me from getting close to him… he’s been struggling with a relationship lately and I’ve tried to offer some help, but because the words I used were being carefully chosen as to not blurt out how much I was resentful towards him, I was ineffective and then more resentful when he didn’t change his behavior at my shitty suggestion.

What was my resentment?  He used my toilet paper and had my nightstand and has a girlfriend to hang out with… these affect my self-esteem and pride… my fear of confrontation or standing up for myself causes major ongoing resentments… why should I have to say what I want?  Please just read my body language as I beat around the bush and sigh and huff and stand over here while I set a precedent of you doing these things because I don’t say anything.

So I talked to someone about it a little and they said it made sense.  I packed up some food and some of his smaller stuff and write a note and put it with the rest of his things… I told him to call if he needs help.

I hope some compassion and empathy enters my consciousness… I don’t like this feeling… it’s like holding into a grudge… something I thought I never did but I clearly do.  

This is insanity…

I am on a walk to buy Sugar Babies (which I decided not to eat any longer due to the amount of sugar I consume daily)… this walk and really the Sugar Babies are supposed to be mind-altering… like chewy centers of self-esteem coated in rational thought… eat a bag of these and all my fucking fear of rejection is replaced by the sugar-high of “I did it”…

This is avoidance of the highest order… and it’s eating me alive… the more I think about it, the more negative my thoughts about the outcome are… I’ve basically predicted the future at this point.

Now that I type that… it sounds stupid.

I’m going to reward myself with Sugar Babies after I call… which I’m doing now… 

I’m holding up this wall while I call.

UPDATE:  I made the call, left a voicemail about being a dork and then asked about a place. I enjoyed my Sugar Babies… 

He called back, sadly, I can’t stay with him… not because of me, but because of circumstances… and look, the answer was no and I lived to write about it.  Basically, that was a practice run.  

Something else

I’ve been able to be okay with slipping here the past few days… not slipping in the using sense, but behavior or non-behavior that used to eat me alive.

I mean, I don’t like what I do… not calling someone when I said I would or spending money I shouldn’t have or avoiding things I don’t want to deal with… but the feeling of self-loathing and the torture and punishment I inflict on myself is much much less and shorter lived.

I honesty believe the 4th Step has something to do with this… and I’m not done… I still have to write my part, the 4th column… but like I mentioned, the clarity and understanding are bringing me the answers I’ve been seeking.

Do you know what this feels like?  It feels like power… real, actual power… a power to fight the danger within… the power is parts rational thought, clarity, knowledge, self, forgiveness, love…

I still feel the blackness of fear in my chest… I have some fear right now… fear of rejection which is keeping me from reaching out and asking for a place to stay in Missoula… from a guy who clearly… he has told others and keeps checking in with me… wants me to stay with him.  But it’s not the asking or the staying with… it’s the can I hold a conversation?  Can I be interesting?  What if I say something stupid?  I still hold others higher than I do myself and I know I know… I have plenty to say… obviously.  I just get nervous and then I dwell and then I freeze.

I have pushed myself here the past few days and I’ve not… so I’ll call him tomorrow…

I also get to start on the final part of my 4th Step… I am looking forward to growing and doing.  Fear be damned.

I know this sounds lame

But I care what you think about me, even if we’ve never met and even when we do meet because you’re a juice-bar employee, I still care because I might walk in to your juice bar and decide I don’t like your selection and want to walk out…

So I don’t walk in at all.

I’m on my way to lunch and I’m walking past this juice-drink place I pass every time I go to Whataburger… I go to Whataburger because I have a gift card, I like it AND because I know what to order… except it got weird last week when I ordered a number 7 instead of a number 1… it was different… it caused a stutter and a moment of embarrassment as I scanned the menu in line looking for a smaller version of the burger I love.  What does this cashier think of me?  

My shadow in front of something different
And as it is, I’m in front of this juice place… about to go in.  It just sounds good today.  And my body might enjoy a set of nutrients it hasn’t seen in a while. And I’m doing it because I have to… if I walk on past to my familiar, who the fuck am I?  

I can’t be bothered with what you think of me… not unless I’m being an asshole or something… but if I’m just ordering a juice from a new place, I have to be know that I’m not the first new person to walk in and not know what they want… I logically know that… irrational fear tells me otherwise… 

going in…

I did it.

Scared AF

I changed my life yesterday… the consideration in doing so took months and the action took seconds… now I’m feeling what it means to have made that change…

It’s the same fucking feeling as before… the same grey heaviness that sat on my mind… makes me hunched over… blocks the positivity from entering… magnifies the sadness/regret… radiates the blankness in my eyes… makes me unaware of life around me… it’s all the same… I made not only the decision but took action and I feel awful.

I feel this way because I want to take back what I said.  I want to relapse and not feel the pain… which of course would just start everything over…

I’m not happy with myself for reasons not yet clear to my… one way I know how to fix that is find people to make me feel good about myself… tell me I’m hot when I need to feel that… to listen to my stupid dumb ass and tell me they relate and do that too… I like it when people tell me that I’ve helped them… should I go on?  I need my self-esteem boosted by you because I cannot fucking do it myself.

I don’t know how to make myself happy most days.  I’m scared.  I am scared of fucking everything that might make me feel bad about myself… I am scared AF.

So this decision I made yesterday cut me off from the one person who I latched onto to cover up all my bullshit… I used her… I manipulated her… I became dependent on her and in the process, blew everyone else off… I was so content with the one opinion source… it was everything I needed to hear… from someone I liked and trusted… that your opinion didn’t matter nor did I trust it all that much.  And her being there for me when I needed her to be meant I didn’t have to put myself out there.  I did not need to take risks and possibly get hurt… rejected… make myself look like anything other than what I wanted to look like… she saw me without my masks… you didn’t.

My self-esteem really has nothing to do with self…

So this grey, heavy, sad feeling probably is more fear than anything else… irrational fear you would say.

I’m learning more about root causes of feelings and I feel like I’ve been talking about this stuff for a while, but now I’m seeing that there are names for and real research behind all my shit.  This is giving me some hope.

I know I’m just scratching the surface of  the problem… but maybe the solution isn’t that far below the surface.

I am lying

There is something deep inside me that doesn’t want truth to exist… not the truth but all truth.

I don’t know what that something is… maybe it’s truth itself… 

I do recognize moments when my lies are exposed.  I had one last night when I came home… I had a moment with a guy here at the house and it kind of disproved some of the lies… Like I could hang with this guy. Friends.

I realize I put people on a pedestal and then feel inferior… I sent this to a friend the other day:

I’m staying home this weekend and the what to do with my time issue is on my mind. 

This is why I need to invest in making friends.  

And I’m bullshitting myself… I could call Johnny and Sean but I’m more afraid of not knowing what to say during those quiet times between bands or other pauses… do I have enough to talk about if it’s not about me?

My friend Rad Rich was at the museum yesterday while I was and I made sure to miss him out of fear of talking.

I’m generalizing here, but everyone is cooler than me… or I don’t know enough about a topic… I’m afraid to say something stupid.

But I have my moments where I charm the pants off you or inform you or say more than one sentence to you… o have been known to do that.  I just have to figure out when those moments happen and make note of the details to be able to replicate them.  

The lies to and about me are a cover up to something greater… fear or truth.