Fear to change

There is no rational reason for this last relapse…

I keep trying to explain it to people… the reason why and none of them get it… that must mean there’s nothing to get…

But again, as I sit here thinking about getting and staying clean and what I need to do to do it, I’m paralyzed by fear…

  • Of being alone
  • Of not getting what I want
  • Of change

Ugh… nothing changes if nothing changes.

Speaker Tape: Dana M.

This one is kinda rough… it’s a hard listen to at certain points… the pain and circumstances she endured are valid reasons for using… to me anyway… I appreciate the amount of self-deprecating humor she includes to help this share not be so depressing.  She takes responsibility of her drug use and consequences and there is so much hope in her story… this one is in my top 5.

I relate to a few things specifically… at one point she mentions not knowing how things work and feeling small.  She said, “I can deal with most things, but the minute I feel vulnerable, all bets are off.”  That’s me… even when I think back to moments in my life where I felt small or dumb in front of someone… that physical sensation of flight/taking off where my stomach turns with shame and embarrassment… of course logically I know everyone makes mistakes, but I’m so worried about my self image and of you liking me, I can’t handle that potential strike against me…

At the beginning she talks about self-doubt and not trusting herself… yeah, thats me too.  It’s amazing how that creeps in and again, rationally, I know its not true, true but fuck me if I don’t have to go a few rounds with myself to push past it…

She speaks about NA and the fellowship and how its the only thing that makes sense to her… again, I relate.  I feel that today… it makes sense to me.

Anyway, these speaker tapes are the meetings in between meetings for me… they help me tap into my empathy for others… they help me stay open-minded and keep me from the self-pity of my musical selection of late.

 

I’m not a magician obviously

I keep thinking I have it in me… the word or phrase or action or look or whatever magic to change things… but I’m pretty sure I don’t today.

I don’t want to surrender though… like maybe I haven’t done EVERYTHING and I just need to wait this out… despite the pain and lack of serenity… insanity.

Do you know what everything is? It’s giving up my life in some form or another for someone else… it’s foregoing enjoyment from and caring for others… it’s not living for myself and it possibly includes using… death seems like a drastic statement but maybe not.

I thought today that I need to stop thinking for myself (the irony… I know) for a little bit and run everything by my sponsor. When I’ve complained about not trusting my sponsor, what I really mean is that I don’t trust him to validate my bullshit excuses… he won’t say “yes” I should chase after this girl… he won’t say “yes” to  keep trying to convince her I’m the one.  I’m afraid he’ll tell me to surrender all of my will and if it’s in some master plan for us it will be and in the meantime, I should focus my attention on me and others that want me and/or my help…

I’m afraid to let that happen… my fear holds me back and is fucking up my serenity and recovery. What am I waiting for? If my magic hasn’t worked yet will it ever?

Expectations 

So yesterday was about expectations and disappointment… sometimes, expectations can feel like hope or faith… I get fooled into that thinking when my expectations work out in my favor… but hope and faith are hope and faith.  Expectations are downright dangerous for me…

In order to avoid the 12 Steps, I met with a recovery coach which is a new tangled concept created in the last few years and in Texas, you can become a certified one. They are not a sponsor nor a therapist… they motivate and guid you while you recover… help you set goals and find support… like a life coach. 

What blew me up yesterday was I know this shit… I know what I need to do on the outside… how to get shit done and how to cross off my list and all of the rational behaviors normal non-addicts do daily.  I’m not a dumb ass.  Arg… anyway, personality issues arose as well and I left super fucking disappointed… sat with him for an hour and a half when I knew 10 minutes in this was not for me… fuck me for not having the balls to just say so… fuck you.

I’m leaving in a few to go line up for help and see about meds… I do not want meds… do not do not do not want to take fucking medication… I don’t like the middle feeling they give me… I hate that I can’t cry… I hate the cloud everything’s alright in my head… 

anyway… who knows what the fuck I’ll be told today… how’s that for a fucking expectation?

The look of no expectations.

Skirting the elephant in the room

I do not want to do the 12 Steps. At all. I do not trust the process or a higher power… I do not trust anyone… I feel like I’ll choke to death on the words as they come up… I’ve been swallowing my fears and truth for so long… they’ve become this big black mass of gravitational matter… sucking in more and more fear and painful moments.  The bulk of it is feelings of guilt and shame and that’s what I don’t trust anyone with… so it grows.

I keep searching for ways to recover without the steps…  not using is not going to be enough…  

I’ve got an appointment to see about meds tomorrow… or it’s an appointment to make an appointment about meds… I’m hoping that the action of doing something to help will fucking help… some relief from the wanting to use would be a good start.

I sometimes feel like this is a huge risk… the just not using. Like holding on in hopes I snap out of it but the using happens before then. 

And sometimes I feel guilty for trying to find something other than the 12 Steps. I’ve found some relief working them before with a really good sponsor in a really good fellowship… but I didn’t trust my sponsor with that shit… I became fearful and eventually stopped working the steps. I had other excuses but fear is what overcame me.

I’m listless and meh right now. I hate everything.  I want to make things worse. I want to eat ice cream.  I want someone to not say hi to me or to be breaking a rule. 

I don’t want to use as much as I want to fuck shit up. 

Looking up or flat on my back?

Trust or fear?

My mind isn’t giving me a minutes rest… it’s back in turbo-overdrive-nitro boosting mode.  The way the thoughts are coming at me, I feel like a poorly programmed super computer… analyzing the fuck out of these problems but never solving them.  Does not fucking compute is all I can display on my face.

Today, this morning, I woke up thinking about how I don’t trust people with the shit in my mind… 

but is it trust or is it fear?

If I tell you what’s in my thoughts what the fuck will you think of me then?  How would that change things?  In my mind, it’s pretty much already figured out because I don’t like my own thoughts and memories and behaviors and whether they’re normal or not, they’re wrong to me. I’d rather be something I’m not than who I am right now. 

Not really. 

I’d really rather be rid of these thoughts.

These are the times that active addiction seems like the best plan… my mind quieted… the simplicity of the only goal of being high… it’s the easiest path.  

I know I know I know… I’m not going to use.  I need to find some acceptance in life right now. Acceptance of my accomplishments and my progress and that I have more to work on… I have a responsibility to stay clean today… not just that but to be a better person… to think of others…

I’m here right now and it’s where I’m at. If I don’t like it, then I need to find the best way to change it… to make it better… in my mind I’m hating the word work, like I don’t want to work for this… I want to change but not to work for it… which goes back to just wanting to use which is a magic pill which is fantasy which is giving in/up…

So… Life

Good morning… I’m coming out of it it think… I’m certainly not feeling as awful as I have been the past few days.  

My very, very good friend sent this to me today

Thanks Katy… I am so glad you’re a part of my life.

I had already been thinking about this when it arrived via messenger this morning.  Other friends who have reached out to me have said similar things over the past few days…

I know I tend to analyze things to death and maybe that’s wrong but I’ve got two thoughts on this past and probably previous episodes of mine… maybe one begets the other?  

Fear is what I think started this last bout of whatever off.  Fear of the unknown and of not being accepted and not being good enough and etc.  Once I became fearful, unhappiness followed.

If I’m unhappy, then something is wrong… that’s what my mind tells me… unhappy feelings are difficult to process and are uncomfortable to be with.  My range of emotions/feelings is so limited still and I start to beat myself up for being unhappy and for not understanding why I’m unhappy and get down in myself for not getting out of it and it gets worse and worse. 

My unhappiness and not understanding it turns to resentments towards you and your happiness, success, or actions… and mix that with the previous fear and I’m essentially fucked… again, in my head I’m fucked. 

I have to be reminded we all go through these feelings AND live.  So thank you for all of the reminders friends. I know I write about these things like I’m dying and it’s the worst thing ever… well it is when I’m in it.  I write about what I’m going through. Every time I write, I get some relief… and when you reply or comment, I know I’m not alone… thank you.  I love you for that.  I really do love and appreciate you.

The best part of waking up.