So lame

I hate my sponsor right now. He’s got me working in the lamest shit and I’m not happy about it… doesn’t he know who the fuck I am?

It’s so hard to be humble when I’m doing something I don’t want to do… the more I hate it, the more I become Craig Fucking Flint… Resistor to lame bullshit and all things I find beneath my intelligence.

I want to work the steps of NA and he’s got me copying and pasting answers from a Basic Text workbook instead… I want to do it like I’ve done before and he’s not doing it that way… I want to do it my way.

This task is too easy… so much so, it’s taking me over two weeks to do it… it’s so fucking easy I have this huge resentment towards my sponsor and his sponsor and the people who created this workbook and made it available to everyone… I’m disgusted by how easy it is damnit. 

Did I ask my sponsor anything about how he does things before asking him to be my sponsor?  Nope.  Did I assume he’d just say, “well Craig, you’re obviously super fucking smart and so you should just do it your way and let me know how I can help.”?  Yup.  Arg!  Impulse and compulsive behaviors/thinking strike again.

Do I believe he wants the best for me?  Yes. Do I believe he wants me to find relief?  Yes.  Do I believe he wants me to stay clean?  Of course… 

Will I finish this lame assignment?  Yes.  If only to teach myself some humility and acceptance, I will finish this assignment and trust the process.  

Expectations 

So yesterday was about expectations and disappointment… sometimes, expectations can feel like hope or faith… I get fooled into that thinking when my expectations work out in my favor… but hope and faith are hope and faith.  Expectations are downright dangerous for me…

In order to avoid the 12 Steps, I met with a recovery coach which is a new tangled concept created in the last few years and in Texas, you can become a certified one. They are not a sponsor nor a therapist… they motivate and guid you while you recover… help you set goals and find support… like a life coach. 

What blew me up yesterday was I know this shit… I know what I need to do on the outside… how to get shit done and how to cross off my list and all of the rational behaviors normal non-addicts do daily.  I’m not a dumb ass.  Arg… anyway, personality issues arose as well and I left super fucking disappointed… sat with him for an hour and a half when I knew 10 minutes in this was not for me… fuck me for not having the balls to just say so… fuck you.

I’m leaving in a few to go line up for help and see about meds… I do not want meds… do not do not do not want to take fucking medication… I don’t like the middle feeling they give me… I hate that I can’t cry… I hate the cloud everything’s alright in my head… 

anyway… who knows what the fuck I’ll be told today… how’s that for a fucking expectation?

The look of no expectations.

Skirting the elephant in the room

I do not want to do the 12 Steps. At all. I do not trust the process or a higher power… I do not trust anyone… I feel like I’ll choke to death on the words as they come up… I’ve been swallowing my fears and truth for so long… they’ve become this big black mass of gravitational matter… sucking in more and more fear and painful moments.  The bulk of it is feelings of guilt and shame and that’s what I don’t trust anyone with… so it grows.

I keep searching for ways to recover without the steps…  not using is not going to be enough…  

I’ve got an appointment to see about meds tomorrow… or it’s an appointment to make an appointment about meds… I’m hoping that the action of doing something to help will fucking help… some relief from the wanting to use would be a good start.

I sometimes feel like this is a huge risk… the just not using. Like holding on in hopes I snap out of it but the using happens before then. 

And sometimes I feel guilty for trying to find something other than the 12 Steps. I’ve found some relief working them before with a really good sponsor in a really good fellowship… but I didn’t trust my sponsor with that shit… I became fearful and eventually stopped working the steps. I had other excuses but fear is what overcame me.

I’m listless and meh right now. I hate everything.  I want to make things worse. I want to eat ice cream.  I want someone to not say hi to me or to be breaking a rule. 

I don’t want to use as much as I want to fuck shit up. 

Looking up or flat on my back?

The more I know

So I have these expectations of you… you with the clean time, sponsoring people, holding service positions…

These expectations are the the equivalent to being put up on a pedestal that I look up to.  I don’t think you’re looking down on me like I’m less than… no, I just think that I’m less than all on my own… but I do look up to you because of what I think a person who has more clean time should be like…

All spiritually fit and positive and mindful and full of love and always helping… never judgemental or breaking the law or in a bad mood… 

You can live up to those… right?  I’m not expected to being a mere mortal with 163 days clean… but you… I look up to you and expect to be guided towards spiritual principles on that path of recovery…

No pressure.

The more I read our literature, currently “Living Clean”, the more I know how unrealistic/dangerous/wrong those expectations are. My expectations are a setup for lots of negative thoughts/feelings and eventual using.  The more I read, the better my understanding of addiction and human nature is and the more I think becomes the more I know.

Less think/assume/expect, more know.

Expectations… not a fan.

So… yeah.  About my previous post… I’ve had a minute to think about things and calm down…

My serenity is inversely proportional to my expectations. The higher my expectations of other people are, the lower is my serenity. I can watch my serenity level rise when I discard my expectations. But then my ‘rights’ try to move in, and they, too, can force my serenity level down. I have to discard my ‘rights,’ as well as my expectations, by asking myself, ‘How important is it, really? How important is it compared to my serenity, my emotional sobriety?’ And when I place more value on my serenity and sobriety than on anything else, I can maintain them at a higher level– at least for the time being.”

Alcoholics Anonymous, “Big Book”, 3rd Edition; p. 452

What it boils down to is that I received this offer to make some money and in my mind it was a done deal… it was for something I have no emotional attachment to… plus, even though I didn’t NEED the money right away, that doesn’t mean I didn’t want to buy this new bike messenger style bag… or that having a little spending money for my trip next week wouldn’t be nice… or whatever…  to me, this was a no-brainer, a done deal, easy fucking money and the other party would totally and 100% agree and we’d be sitting rich in just a few days… pretty much all that ran through my head in the 10 seconds between me sending a text with the offer to getting the “no” back…

Expectations lead to resentments… every damn time for me.  My serenity was shattered with that “no”… I was consumed with the let down… the “loss” of my bag or spending money or whatever… the loss of nothing since I never had it to begin with…

One of my best friends knows all too well how fucked up I get when my expectations aren’t met… my family knows… I’m always the last to recognize it…

My last post shows how much serenity was given away to my irrational thinking and expectation… look at my language and how much I care about me… and that I predicted… expected the expectation at the end… and now, funny… I don’t have that resentment after all.