I had a friend relapse yesterday and this morning I am reading chapter 7 in the NA Basic Text. My old sponsor used to have me read it every time I relapsed or whenever friend I cared about relapsed.
It is an amazing bit of writing. The last paragraph on page 80 is me… in fact I’m all over this chapter.
It wasn’t enough to see my friend coming down from a three day binge on meth… I knew I didn’t want to be in that same position but reading this chapter is reinforcing that I was in fact about to go out. All the signs were pointing to a relapse for me.
I’m writing this even before I finish the chapter… I’m only on page 81 and I had to stop reading because I felt a spiritual experience come over me. The answers are truly in the writing and I just need to refer to it more often.
SIDE NOTE: Hanging out with this guy yesterday was so good for me… it was the reminder I needed of the consequences of using… sure, it can be fun and all of the things I keep thinking it’d be, but his condition after a three day run was sad… super-twitchy and unable to sit still, feeling guilty and ashamed, hungry and tired… I was grateful I could be there for him and even more so for the IRL experience of the downside of using… the fucking come-down.
Earlier today I posted about wanting to shoot up… that I was killing time and that being in Target brought those memories of shooting meth back up for me… but that I ultimately couldn’t afford doing so and I was grateful for being able to decide not to do it instead of acting compulsively on a feeling… that decision had consequences after all…
The time I was killing then was the moments my son was in school taking final exams and me picking up from school since he got out early. The consequences of me not acting compulsively are that I have this opportunity to spend with him before he moves back to Montana on Tuesday… that we ate lunch together… that we played FIFA16 together (always him as PSG and I as Chelsea) with him winning… that we packed his big ass suitcase… that I fixed his computer for him so he can use his kick ass graphics card and not worry about framerate issues while playing CS Go with his friends…
Basically, I am available for the last days with my son. I’m being a dad. I’m his dad and here for him physically and emotionally… focused on his needs instead of my own.
There is no guilt and shame with these consequences. This is everlasting and only gets better the more I do it. Yeah, there is a bit of my mind still requesting that electric rush of a big fucking shot of meth… but that comes with some really shitty consequences and people get hurt… I have joy in my heart right now and I’m able to create that in others as well… to stop doing that… to take that away from my son would be incredibly selfish and mean and that is what I would hate most and what would create that continued cycle of self-hate and loathing… fuck that.
Right now, my boy loves me for a million reasons (mostly for fixing his computer, but I’m good with that) and the smile on my face, tears in my eyes and joy in my heart for these next few wonderful days together are the consequences of being clean today. Love you Jackson. You’re the best.