And this again

I am definitely manic today… everything is the fucking best… I have a million great ideas… I have too much energy… I love everything and everyone… I’m being very compulsive… I’m feeling very unsettled… I’m emotional af…

I went and saw another doctor on June 30th who changed my diagnosis from major depressive disorder to bipolar II and put me on Abilify, Wellbutrin and Atarax…  it’s only been two weeks and I guess they haven’t kicked in yet.

I admit now that I do have something going on… I’ve been reluctant to admit I might be something like bipolar… I generally like what I’m feeling now… it has some confidence and swagger built in… I kinda don’t give a fuck about shit… except what I do care about, I REALLY REALLY REALLY care about… so I focus on that… laser fucking focus… until another something comes along… SQUIRREL!

But I see the downside… right now I have enthusiasm for my enthusiasm… I’m excited to be excited.  I’m happy to be HAPPY!!!!  Seriously, this is how I feel right now… and I’m coming up with all of these great ideas and I’m compulsively blurting them out obligating myself to them not listening to the voice saying no… shhhh, Craig… don’t say… that.  The downside will be coming as soon as this energy boost is spent and the depression kicks in and the hole that I dug is deeper than it needs to be… dirt… shit piling on.

I do this a lot… I need it to stop for the consequences… I need to go ride or something… focus.

 

Reading again

I started reading again… “It Works:  How and Why“.  I’m desperate for some relief today and I found a PDF of it on the internet and started reading… and it took me back to a couple of years ago when I was really, really trying this out for the first time and my sponsor, Baer, had me reading from this book every damn day… and I remember reading aloud in my empty house… no one but me in a 2000 sq. ft. home, only a couple of pieces of furniture left and my voice echoing in the living room… I paced back and forth in front of the windows and I’m sure the neighbors knew I had lost it by then…

This book goes deeper than the Basic Text and it took me reading it multiple times for some of it to sink in… “It Works” goes beyond the symptom of my disease… it assumes I know that drugs are an issue, but I have deeper, underlying issues with my addiction… it discusses the obsession and compulsion…

I am obsessed and therefore, I compulse… right?

I read chapter one again, on Step One and I started crying… I had forgotten the technicalities of my disease… it’s simple but it’s not… I was so grateful to be reminded that I suffer from obsession and compulsion, especially after the past few days to weeks…

This paragraph hit me the hardest today, because…

The spiritual part of our disease, the part we may recognize only by a feeling of emptiness or loneliness when we first get clean, is perhaps one of the most difficult aspects of addiction for us. Because this part of our disease affects us so profoundly and so personally, we may be overwhelmed when we think about applying a program of recovery to it. However, we need to keep in mind that recovery doesn’t happen overnight for anyone.

my feelings of loneliness lead me to obsess and be compulsive.

So anyway, I’m in my room, reading aloud as I pace back and forth… it just feels right.

Whatever it is, more please.

And thank you.

What an amazing day… juices are flowing again… I feel almost invincible… like I don’t want to test it, but if you came at me right now, I could handle whatever… 

that’s not an invitation… let me enjoy this.  🙂

Anyway, today was great… just for more dots to connect later if needed…

  • I made progress on an application to move into a new unit here that I’d been avoiding but that could have save me hundreds of dollars
  • Rode about 20 miles today and explored new trails along the bayou
  • Talked recovery for about 3 hours with a friend
  • Worked on my 4th Step
  • Went to a NA meeting

So I did things new to me, I did things I didn’t really want to do, I did things I’d been putting off… it was like a day of discovery.

I did have a few moments of feeling like I might be too happy… and I acted compulsively twice, both with twinges of regret… posting on FB and carrying on needlessly… perhaps you didn’t notice, but it felt like too much as soon as I did it and I questioned myself.

Finally… in this mornings post, where I mentioned I stopped saying hello to people who didn’t say it back… well tonight, one of those people not only initiated the hello, he struck up the first conversation we’ve ever had… letting go.

So it was a damn good day.  Gratitude list and meditation and bedtime… like I’ve been doing. Keep up the good work, Craig.  Love you. 


This is from today’s bike ride… I’m a doofus.  🙂

I don’t know…

I am having some withdrawals after not hearing from Jamie since Monday afternoon… she’s in fucking Missoula, staying with Dan, visiting royce.

She texted me saying she had arrived and wished I was there… I texted back that I wish I was too and to have fun and tell Dan hello…

After that, it’s been nothing except a few likes on FB with the last one being two days ago.

I’ve been continuing the “Those two over there” group messages that we’ve kept alive for Britta’s sake… but it’s been only me… trying to keep the same tone and levels of enthusiasm with a spurt of desperation last night… I finally texted her directly saying I hoped Missoula was treating her well and that I’m thinking of her and I miss talking to her… all of which is true… by Missoula, I mean royce… and by well, I mean not fucking with her.

I think of her all damn day… wake to sleep… the first fucking thought to the last… I’ve had my moments of self when I’m working on Drew’s fence or getting my license or hanging with my mom or working on something for OAA… but the moments in between is heavied with the wondering… I came close to losing it today…

This license process has been a complete pain in the ass here and I’ve been ready to give up but I’m a huge burden to my parents right now… they live so far away from me and to get em back and forth is a major effort and costly… gas and toll roads and time… I’ve wanted to give up these past few days but I’ve stuck with it for them mostly… even though I don’t have a car, a license will give me the ability to run errands for them or hit my meetings (if I go again) or whatever… it’ll help and open new job opps as well… just get the fucking license…

Anyway, it’s been tough and today with the Jamie thing heavier on my mind… in it’s 4th day… I just about gave up when I got denied because of some shit in ID I had to clear up… I got in the car with my mom and told her to take me home and I’d do whatever… meaning I’d pout/give up/be pissed/be a burden but have a way to justify it… on the way out of the DMV the exit was blocked by a long-ass slow moving train and the silence was uncomfortable enough for me to call ID and figure out what the deal was… I had to pay them $85.00 to re-instate a license I didn’t have anyway but whatever… I payed them and asked how quickly it would be cleared and they said right away so I told my mom to turn around and we headed back to the DMV… I got back in line, they checked and I was good to go… I took the written test and PASSED… thank you God (sadly, just writing that, is the first time I thanked God… but I see a connection between the slow train, and the call… it’s God’s timing… thank you God.)

I’m trying to be strong/less compulsive with this Jamie withdrawal… the pain isn’t unbearable… I hate the constant of it… I hate the way it lingers… I hate the way it distracts… I hate the way it can light the fuse so quickly…

I don’t know why I get dropped so easily… why she can or feels the need to go MIA like this… it’s her fucking disease I know… I know.  his name is royce…

 

 

Resisting compulsive acts of attention seeking is fucking hard and depressing

It’s killing me to not be fishing for compliments… to give to take… to take and spin to take more…

I want it all… the attention.

I’ve taken selfies to send to certain people and deleted them…

I’ve written clever messages and cleared them…

The obsession of attention is hurting productivity… when I should be working and earning I’m instead trying to be the cleverest hot AF recovering addict you’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing…

See?

And because I’m disappointed in my situation, I’m now playing catch the potential criminal with a security guard because I have a problem with authority and pretend authority… basically, if I’m unhappy, you should be too… at least you get to write a report “copper” and get paid.
And now a few blocks away from where I need to be… it’s raining… good job you dumbass.