Hello and welcome to life on life’s terms… today we’ll be covering:
- What to do when life throws you a curveball (and your bat isn’t something you can hold in your hands)
I had a wonderful weekend with my son and my mom… from Friday morning to Sunday afternoon… even though the weather was crappy, we found the hours to be not enough to fit in all the things we wanted to do. I love these weekends… I had lots of coffee… and chili con queso, cinnamon rolls, cookies, pizza, See’s Candy, meatloaf and mashed potatoes and… everything bagels.
I get back to my house yesterday, do my return routine… alcohol swab and urinalysis for drugs… the houseman asked this time what my drug of choice was and also took a little extra care with my test… wrote my name on it… saved it. Odd but I’m free to go.
This morning I wake up and there are two cups out and a member of the office staff at the house when I head downstairs… I’m asked to take another test… mine from last night came up positive for opiates… which is why I was asked my DOC (meth BTW)…
I take the test along with another guy who had the same results last night… I came up positive again… but like last night, they’re sketchy… not definitive enough not to question… the other guys came up weirder… same opiate results but this time with meth and amphetamine which weren’t there last night…
They ask us both to leave…
No argument will help me… it’s clear… it’s how they do things. I can’t get upset… it won’t help. I accept my situation and ask for God’s help… I’m reminded of th 6:45 AM meeting (which felt like hours ago since I was kinda in shock). I head to the meeting and I am good to go… I have no fear… I feel at peace and I enjoy myself and I hear every word spoken and I know everything will be okay… it’s crazy to feel that way and I know it and I’m questioning my sanity as I’m enjoying this serenity.
The meeting ends and I call my mom and she is beside herself with worry… she called a lab down the street to see if they can run another test to clear my name and they can and she asks if I’ll do it… I ask the office at my house if they’ll accept the result of another lab and nope… they won’t. I tell my mom and I can tell she needs this test run… I know I’m clean, she feels I’m clean, but she needs to know. I head down and take the test.
I passed. I kind of break down… you see, I started questioning myself about myself… Did I do it and talk myself into thinking I didn’t… How much of a sneaky fuck am I? I was relieved to get the clean results and glad that I’m not that sneaky.
They took more samples to send off for a more complete/thorough test which will have more results in 12-48 hours, but for the sake of the original test at my house, I’m clean… now what to do? I don’t want to shove these in their face and say “HA! I told you.” I call my friend who works there and explain. I talk to my sponsor. I go to a meeting. I pray. I am still serene… crazy.
My friend spoke to the office and they accept the results of this lab but aren’t happy about it and it’s my get out of jail free card… I’m a little pissed about that since I didn’t do anything wrong… but I can’t explain the results… or can I?
The everything bagels I had… two of them… have poppy seeds, hence the name… everything. But I thought that was just a myth anyway… a Seinfeld episode.
Had this been 53 days ago, even if I was clean, I would have flipped the fuck out and made this so much worse… Hell, just being accused of something I didn’t do…. ‘How dare you accuse me of using… don’t you know who I am? I’m a meth addict… opiates are for pussies.” Or something along those lines…
I feel the worst for my mom… she was going to fight for me to the death… her trust in me may have made her blind to the fact that I could be lying to her… I had to reassure her that it’s okay to question me… to wonder if I used or not… we were together this weekend, but not every minute of the day… turns out, she has opiates/opioids in the house (now she tells me… lol) and if I want to use, I’m going to find a way and will use whatever I can get my hands on… I don’t discriminate if I don’t have a choice (like some people may think). Like I said, I questioned myself. I’ve only got 52 days and while the obsession to use is mostly lifted, it still pops up occasionally. While I hate that you (meaning everyone) don’t believe me that I’m clean, my track record shows that there is a good chance I may not be. I have to remember that. But thank you mom for believing (in) me… I love you.
So, life… nice try, but I swung for the fences and hit this fucker out of the park… I put my hands together and God did the swinging. Thank you God. One question for you though…
Why didn’t you tell me about the poppy seeds? Huh? 😉
Finally… one thing that was revealed… this was not my exit out of Houston and back to Missoula. At first I thought, “Yes! Missoula, here I come!” But that was my will and once I did the work to keep some normalcy and stability in my life, this was not a sign from God that I should pack up. I was a little disappointed about that to say the least… but… as I was heading to my office this morning to work, the housing person at my house said she’d call me about moving out of the dorms today… thank you God.