8 months clean

I know it's not a normally celebrated milestone, but for me, today, it feels huge to have this much time clean.

It really does work one day at a time and if I don't use no matter what and if I don't quit 5 minutes before the miracle happens… all of the things you hear in meetings are true. They don't always apply, but when they do, they do…

I came close to using so many times during this 8 months. I had all the right reasons to use and yet, with the help of friends, sheer willpower and experience, I didn't use. I was weak and strong at the same time… powerless and power-full…

And I know I'm crazy still… I'm not all there yet… still having my moments of insanity and self-induced pain on the regular… but I'm not regressing by giving in and using… I learning and gaining experience and knowledge and examples to draw from.

My program isn't much most days… what higher power? What steps? What sponsor? What whatever?… but still… I'm doing it and those things still matter to me… I'm getting the most from the fellowship of NA… that friendship of fellow addicts… having friends really is keeping me clean most days. I have less time alone since I have more friends and that's key for me. I am grateful for the fellowship most of all.

Anyway, 8 month today. Living just for today and not using no matter what. Love you.
Blue skies today.

Fucking amazing

Folks… I can feel the difference… physically, emotionally and spiritually feel the difference in my every minute… 

I didn’t use when I really and so fucking close wanted too… when I was one step away from a transaction… money in my pocket and connection at the ready… I didn’t do it…

At a NA Speaker Jam yesterday, I heard the exact reason I had for not using… the experience this person explained thank God went through my mind and I avoided it… he explained his story in which, his thought about using made perfect sense right up until he did, and as soon as he used, he knew… he knew it was a terrible decision and the guilt and shame came on… I was able to foresee that same event when I wanted to use not too long ago…

Not using and sitting through some hard feelings and self-inflicted pain finally led to feeling like I wanted something different.  I did stuff I didn’t want to do and tried not making things worse and I’m here now, grateful and happy af… like I’ve been this way for days upon days now and it feels fucking amazing.  

And what keeps happening now is that I’m of right mind and spirit to help others and I’m of help… like real help… I was able to help my mom yesterday with some feelings she had… the son helping the mom with life… yes!  And then being outside myself and meeting people yesterday, I found an opportunity to volunteer possibly doing some harm reduction help at a non-profit super close to my house… and today I was able to talk to my son about an uncomfortable topic and help him understand what the deal was and why it was important to learn from it… and then, I get a text from my friend… and because I’m not so wrapped up in my own self-pity, I called instead of texting… I feel that confident I’m being able to listen… really listen and make suggestions… turns out, she and I have similar shit and little did she know, she was blowing my mind… as we continued talking, she thinking I’m helping her and I know she helping me, she said the exact thing I needed to hear…

I heard it because I’m open-minded to new ideas and willing to get out of myself and help someone else today…

That comes from being clean still… not giving up… 

and it feels fucking amazing. Love you.  

My favorite photo of the day.

96

Since I started using drugs at 14, I’ve never had 96 days clean. 

I’ve had periods of where I didn’t use… once for 10 years, but there was no growth… no learning a new way to live.  I basically put my head down and worked and worked and worked until one day, at the Mandalay Bay in Las Vegas, where I was being wined and dined by tech companies so I was feeling pretty fucking full of myself, I decided I should have a drink, at the new club at the very top of the hotel… I had way more than one drink that night… and that decision was really my back door (my reservation) to what I really really really wanted… speed.

For 10 years I plotted my return to my DOC… of course it took longer to get back to it… I continued to only drink… unhappily for a few more years, getting fat off craft beer every night…

One day, I decided it was time to be ADD and I was easily able to obtain Ritalin and immediately I abused it, running out that week my whole 30 day supply.  I was off and running, eventually hitting up multiple doctors in town for any stimulant I could get my hands on… but that shit sucked… it was too clean… it didn’t get me off and it was expensive to boot… the effort vs. reward was crap… then I read an article about the Silk Road… holy fuck.

Game over man…

I was able to get connected on Silk Road and was ordering Adderall for a while… building up my courage… browsing the listing in the meth marketplace until one day I ordered some… .25g and had it shipped to my office.  I remember being on a family vacation when it arrived… for the days I was on this trip all I had on my mind was that package of goodness… that feeling… the all sorts of things I knew it would do to me but wasn’t sure if my memory was correct or what just was waiting for me… I can tell you more about that than the trip I was on.  We got home on a Saturday and I “had to go into the office” and there on my desk was a little brown envelope… fuck.  Fuck. Fuck… I’m about to do this.  I am going to get my fucking fix.  I haven’t done this in FOREVER and here I go…

I go into the bathroom… I can tell you every detail about this little package… smells, look, feel… but let’s just say, I wasn’t about to mess around… I broke a piece off larger than I should have and chopped it up and snorted a huge fucking line… my first in forever.

Fuck… me… everything was back just the way I wanted/needed it.

Until it wasn’t… it would be another 7 years or so of using and using and using until I lost it all… it being everything.

Don’t do drugs kids.

Last year I tried to get clean and managed to get 95 days before I relapsed.  It took almost another year of trying and trying and using more and more and losing more than everything I owned practically and certainly my dignity and morals and values and family.

So to have 96 days today feels really good.  I’m not super stoked or any smarter or leaping tall buildings… but I’ve got 1 more damn good day more than I’ve had in forever. 

One more day…

Things just got interesting…

Hello and welcome to life on life’s terms…  today we’ll be covering:

  1. What to do when life throws you a curveball (and your bat isn’t something you can hold in your hands)

I had a wonderful weekend with my son and my mom… from Friday morning to Sunday afternoon… even though the weather was crappy, we found the hours to be not enough to fit in all the things we wanted to do.  I love these weekends… I had lots of coffee… and chili con queso, cinnamon rolls, cookies, pizza, See’s Candy, meatloaf and mashed potatoes and… everything bagels.

I get back to my house yesterday, do my return routine… alcohol swab and urinalysis for drugs… the houseman asked this time what my drug of choice was and also took a little extra care with my test… wrote my name on it… saved it.  Odd but I’m free to go.

This morning I wake up and there are two cups out and a member of the office staff at the house when I head downstairs… I’m asked to take another test… mine from last night came up positive for opiates… which is why I was asked my DOC (meth BTW)…

I take the test along with another guy who had the same results last night… I came up positive again… but like last night, they’re sketchy… not definitive enough not to question… the other guys came up weirder… same opiate results but this time with meth and amphetamine which weren’t there last night…

They ask us both to leave…

No argument will help me… it’s clear… it’s how they do things.  I can’t get upset… it won’t help.  I accept my situation and ask for God’s help…  I’m reminded of th 6:45 AM meeting (which felt like hours ago since I was kinda in shock).  I head to the meeting and I am good to go… I have no fear… I feel at peace and I enjoy myself and I hear every word spoken and I know everything will be okay… it’s crazy to feel that way and I know it and I’m questioning my sanity as I’m enjoying this serenity.

The meeting ends and I call my mom and she is beside herself with worry… she called a lab down the street to see if they can run another test to clear my name and they can and she asks if I’ll do it… I ask the office at my house if they’ll accept the result of another lab and nope… they won’t.  I tell my mom and I can tell she needs this test run… I know I’m clean, she feels I’m clean, but she needs to know.  I head down and take the test.

I passed.  I kind of break down… you see, I started questioning myself about myself… Did I do it and talk myself into thinking I didn’t… How much of a sneaky fuck am I?  I was relieved to get the clean results and glad that I’m not that sneaky.

They took more samples to send off for a more complete/thorough test which will have more results in 12-48 hours, but for the sake of the original test at my house, I’m clean… now what to do?  I don’t want to shove these in their face and say “HA!  I told you.”  I call my friend who works there and explain.  I talk to my sponsor.  I go to a meeting.  I pray.  I am still serene… crazy.

My friend spoke to the office and they accept the results of this lab but aren’t happy about it and it’s my get out of jail free card… I’m a little pissed about that since I didn’t do anything wrong… but I can’t explain the results… or can I?

The everything bagels I had… two of them… have poppy seeds, hence the name… everything.  But I thought that was just a myth anyway… a Seinfeld episode.

“Bagels”

Had this been 53 days ago, even if I was clean, I would have flipped the fuck out and made this so much worse… Hell, just being accused of something I didn’t do…. ‘How dare you accuse me of using… don’t you know who I am?  I’m a meth addict… opiates are for pussies.”  Or something along those lines…

I feel the worst for my mom… she was going to fight for me to the death… her trust in me may have made her blind to the fact that I could be lying to her… I had to reassure her that it’s okay to question me… to wonder if I used or not… we were together this weekend, but not every minute of the day… turns out, she has opiates/opioids in the house (now she tells me… lol) and if I want to use, I’m going to find a way and will use whatever I can get my hands on… I don’t discriminate if I don’t have a choice (like some people may think).  Like I said, I questioned myself.  I’ve only got 52 days and while the obsession to use is mostly lifted, it still pops up occasionally.  While I hate that you (meaning everyone) don’t believe me that I’m clean, my track record shows that there is a good chance I may not be.  I have to remember that.  But thank you mom for believing (in) me… I love you.

So, life… nice try, but I swung for the fences and hit this fucker out of the park… I put my hands together and God did the swinging.  Thank you God.  One question for you though…

Why didn’t you tell me about the poppy seeds?  Huh?  😉

Finally… one thing that was revealed… this was not my exit out of Houston and back to Missoula.  At first I thought, “Yes!  Missoula, here I come!”  But that was my will and once I did the work to keep some normalcy and stability in my life, this was not a sign from God that I should pack up.  I was a little disappointed about that to say the least… but… as I was heading to my office this morning to work, the housing person at my house said she’d call me about moving out of the dorms today… thank you God.

Love you.

But still…

I’m still clean.

And if I recall correctly, I posted not too long ago about feelings passing… listen to yourself…. listening to yourself.  

I’m just not used to this feeling that I don’t even know the name of except to call it meh… but sure as hell im feeling as meh as possible due to lack of spiritual conditioning.

So I went to a meeting this morning and waiting for the bus to get me to a noon meeting and  saying good morning to everyone again and trying to brighten their day if I can’t brighten mine. 

Plus I’ve learned a little more about acceptance that I’ll probably/maybe write about later… 

Here’s us my new slogan for today…

Meh is better then meth.  ;). Love you.