Fear to change

There is no rational reason for this last relapse…

I keep trying to explain it to people… the reason why and none of them get it… that must mean there’s nothing to get…

But again, as I sit here thinking about getting and staying clean and what I need to do to do it, I’m paralyzed by fear…

  • Of being alone
  • Of not getting what I want
  • Of change

Ugh… nothing changes if nothing changes.

The gifts and the power to change

I took my dad to the airport today.  He’s flying down to Belize for Rotary and helping with some humanitarian projects… he devotes a ton of time and energy to helping others and he’s worked his ass off to provide a comfortable living for our family and works just as hard supporting those in need.

On the way to the airport, he told me about how his group sent a bunch of computers to Belize and the people down there need some help with them… he asked me if I would like to go down one day and help these people with the computers and get them all fixed up and going… uh, yeah I would.  I was immediately awash in gratitude… it just filled and flowed through me as I thought about that opportunity.  Even if it never happens, that I was considered and asked if I wanted to help was a gift of being clean.  I know IT… I love doing it… I told him I would love the opportunity to do service work.

Lately, I’ve noticed I have honed my power to change how I feel.  It’s not super or anything… no spider bites or magic crystals, but basic brain power based upon what I’ve read and experience… I sense feelings more easily and I understand the events that change them… and if they’re negative feelings, it’s more automatic for me to find a way to head them off quickly.  I’m reaching out to friends via text or calling or I’ll head out of my room and go see one of the staff members here at my house… it’s the action of starting and I keep seeking until I get elevated.

It doesn’t always get me back to happiest… maybe just pretty happy and it doesn’t happen right away… but it’s also not just sitting in the shit suffering and isolating and giving up until my mood somehow magically changes…

Tony Robbins made me think about shit and now I’m not happy

I read a really nice article by Tony Robbins today and for most people it was probably helpful.  And it inspired me as I started reading it… but Tony made me think about the shit I don’t want to think about… you know the shit.  Tony wants me to make the hard decisions to improve my life… 

Tony wants me to do what’s right.  

Earlier this week I’ve said to three separate people that I want to be a better person… I mean that.