Needless suffering

This…

This was me for this past 7 months… needlessly enduring mental anguish and suffering daily because of my trying to fight my way through my bipolar issues…

I didn't want to give in… considering it giving up to the medication.

I was relying on my old ways… I was a hard motherfucker (granted in a soft shell)… mentally, most things didn't get to me… my obsession and my family got to me the most, but I endured gobs of pain of all sorts and it was a badge of honor…

Jail, institutions and near death were accomplishments to prove my ability to endure pain… piercings and tattoos the same… accidents on my bike required just a dusting off… the physical pain from cooking meth was part of the cost…

Today I'm happier than I've been in a long ass time… I surrendered to meds and they're working. But as I ride my bike around town… for fucking miles on miles in the sweltering Houston heat, I'm enduring it for the reward of doing it and of the reward for bragging about it which is in effect, about attention. Not totally as I do love doing deliveries on my bike, but I have the skills to do so much more… but that's something else as well. Another part to figure out.

I love the NA literature and it's really been a guide and opened my eyes lately. This is just one more bit of my recovery/discovery I'm excited about.

Love you.

Whatever it is, more please.

And thank you.

What an amazing day… juices are flowing again… I feel almost invincible… like I don’t want to test it, but if you came at me right now, I could handle whatever… 

that’s not an invitation… let me enjoy this.  🙂

Anyway, today was great… just for more dots to connect later if needed…

  • I made progress on an application to move into a new unit here that I’d been avoiding but that could have save me hundreds of dollars
  • Rode about 20 miles today and explored new trails along the bayou
  • Talked recovery for about 3 hours with a friend
  • Worked on my 4th Step
  • Went to a NA meeting

So I did things new to me, I did things I didn’t really want to do, I did things I’d been putting off… it was like a day of discovery.

I did have a few moments of feeling like I might be too happy… and I acted compulsively twice, both with twinges of regret… posting on FB and carrying on needlessly… perhaps you didn’t notice, but it felt like too much as soon as I did it and I questioned myself.

Finally… in this mornings post, where I mentioned I stopped saying hello to people who didn’t say it back… well tonight, one of those people not only initiated the hello, he struck up the first conversation we’ve ever had… letting go.

So it was a damn good day.  Gratitude list and meditation and bedtime… like I’ve been doing. Keep up the good work, Craig.  Love you. 


This is from today’s bike ride… I’m a doofus.  🙂

OMG!  Duh…

I love the moments on my bike out of my mind (in the good way) and being open-minded and present… going against my lack of better judgements and getting back to what I recall works…

I’m riding to meet my friends Lenny and Lisa at Govinda’s and I’m way early… but I love that usually… and it gives me time to look around and appreciate…

I was not having that early on my ride… riding through River Oaks I was resentful… down Sheppard I was meh… I turn on 11th and then again onto the White Oak Bayou Trail and it’s freedom as I have only me and the wide paved trail and my mind…

I see the ramp to take me down and even further off the street and I change tunes… no angry S-K… a more driving Boogs Podcast and away I go…

I see a fellow biker heading my way followed by more… old guys and I make first wave… howdy howdy howdy hello good morning as they pass… I’m happy… I hope to find a club like them one day.

All of the sudden this stupid simple thing pops into my head… doing service is a distraction

After lunch and work I’m looking for more distractions… I mean service.

Walking the weight off

I went on a walk and listened to the previously mentioned/suggested speaker tape, talked to a friend, bought a Whataburger vanilla shake, bought a slice of pizza at Costco, continued walking and as I sit and write this, the weight of depression isn’t crushing my body/soul… I’m sitting up straight, just conversed with someone here at the office and fuck me, I might actually be a little happy…

I think… I will take off now, go home, change into some shorts and ride my bike and ride and ride and ride…  probably… maybe my mind will change but maybe not…

On the speaker tape… please listen to it… listen to it more than once.  It’s relatable to addicts/alcoholics and if you’re not one, you might get a sense of the disease of addiction.

I have some things to figure out… the bike ride will help I hope… re-commit to recovery… for sure.

North of where I was

I have a slightly elevated acceptance level from earlier today about my new place. 

As I type this, I’m on the opposite side of the street than my old house and I feel kind of weird… I took the opposite crosswalk and it’s like I’ve lost some equilibrium… unsteady… it’s okay though.

I made it through today and I’ll probably hate it like I hate most change these days… give me a few days of getting bent out of shape and wanting to fight people and complaining and being generally mildly upset…

Look at you… trying to set their expectations so you have room to bitch and moan… want control much?  

Anyway, a bike ride was good tonight.  Got into some new territory and found a new bike shop to check out. A friend is celebrating 1 year tomorrow and I plan on hitting his meeting which I never can because of missing curfew but now I don’t have a curfew and so I’ll be there…

So I got that going for me, which is nice…

And okay… fine… I said I’d help a guy in the old house who needs help with a Power Point presentation for his class at HCC and he knows nothing about computers or Power Point.  I can do that with him on my MacBook… service and it’s making me feel kinda good…

Thank you God for these events to help me get out of me… it’s like if I hate hanging out with me, God gives me someone else to hang with for a while and once I straighten up… stop being a downer, then I can deal with myself again. 

See you in the morning.

Woo fucking hoo!

I just had a fucking spiritual experience!

I was riding my bike this morning… way ahead of schedule… no where to go… a direction maybe… as long as I was looking for serenity, I was in the right direction.

I was happy… shooting off the line at every light.  I owned my lane.  Woo hoo’s off the larger cracks were in order and I’m sweating my balls off already.  Happy.  Serene.  Present.

I’m riding mid-gear and this guy fully kitted passes me and I give him a nod and he continues… I let him get a few lengths in front of me and I lower my gear, my hands and my head and get up on him in a few cranks.  I’m drafting now and it’s glorious… I’m in the right this millisecond and laser focused on him…

It’s a short experience as he signals left and I gotta go right… but I’m going to beat the fucker (in the nicest way) to the light.

Yellow…

Red…

but I’m right on it so fuck it… I do it… take my place in Dangers face and flip him ( Danger, not the guy) off and I’m receiving a communication from God…

It’s kinda slick out there… go for it… I got you… and I quickly glance left to see traffic and I see three cyclists coming my way in front of the cars…

I continue cranking and I see the sheen on the road… I know what’s going to happen… I turn right… and right seems to be wide… but it’s a slide and I slide and lay the bike down.. and continue to slide. Bad ass motherfucker… it was such a sweet slide… I know I pulled it off as cool as any slide like that could have ever been pulled… I pop up… wipe my ass checking for wallet, dirt… I’m good.

I hop on my bike take a few cranks and hop on sidewalk to check mechanics and bike checks out… then the three cyclists come by… “you okay?” they say. “Yep.” I reply and nod and thank them.

Now there are three cyclists in front of me… I hop on my bike, bunny-hop off the curb… stay in gear, hands down, head down and catch up in a few cranks… draft for a second before I have to turn.

Thank you God for such an amazing experience to start of my day.  Thank you for speaking to me.  Thank you for allowing me to be me…

I love the parallels

It’s common knowledge among addicts that the act of scoring your drug can produce euphoria and bring you out of despair… how many times was I ready to die… just fucking die because I couldn’t score… then the phone call comes in… “I’ve got your shit and will be there in 10 minutes.”  It’s almost as good as getting the shot… the shit up inside you… seriously… everyone loves one another… issues forgotten… fists open and reach for another and hugs aplenty… life is good.

I just had a similar experience… today has been a little rough.  Nothing major, but I’ve not been on a bike in three days and it’s been kinda affecting my mood… though it wasn’t apparent until now… I got a second flat tire last week and time and money made it difficult to get a new tube so I’ve had to walk and ride the bus.  But, I’m high as fuck right now… floating and singing out loud again and making a damn fool of myself again… I found a sweet bike shop here in Houston… super fucking sweet… and I bought a tube… $7.00 later and I love everything again… the bus isn’t even that bad… the clouds opened to show me blue skies and smiles appeared on every face I encounter.  Life is good again and I still haven’t ridden my bike.

Just knowing my serenity is forthcoming… that I’m going to get my fix… it’s proof I don’t need Meth or whatever to feel this fucking good… it’s knowing that I’m going to feel this fucking good that makes me feel this fucking good.