I attempted SMART Recovery and I have similar thoughts to the author.
The availability of meetings here is Houston is minimal… last I checked, it was 3 weekly meetings compared to the dozen or so daily NA meetings.
I wasn’t too fond of the facilitator of the most convenient meeting to me… I don’t envy his recovery…
The rest of the group was fairly new to SMART and therefore, less experience for me to draw from.
They focus a lot on the on-line groups and messaging which doesn’t work for me… I need more human interaction/accountability.
I do like the “self-reliance” aspect of it… still struggling with God’s will vs. mine…
I like the scientific approach as well… CBT/REBT is well studied and I’ve been exposed to them since forever ago when I’ve seen therapists and been institutionalized…
I’m going to stick with NA/12-Step for now since I’ve never finished the steps and want to at least do that so I can really compare and know. I do agree that there are many paths to recovery and it may take a hybrid approach for some people. Maybe me…
This is an article about Open Aid Alliance from April 2015 I ran across this morning. I was the “Missoula man” mentioned in the article.
It seems like this was forever ago… had I been asked about this, my memory would have said this is from 4 years ago… the concept of time in my addiction is that I never had enough of it and I lost most of it…
While OAA has a great new space, they could still use your support if you’re looking for a great cause.
The past few days have gone longer than normal as I lay in bed way past sleep and think about just one more.
As I write this, the same feeling is coming on… what does this just one more thought feel like?
It feels like a distant thought shot a grappling hook into my mind and while it’s tiny, it’s got a hold as it’s sliding old feelings down the wire faster than I can counter… I can’t block them all… and they start to flood my mind with longing and the desire to try one more and they force my gaze to my forearm and make my hands rub my veins… there is a physical sensation of my heart beating faster with nervousness and that causes my body to energize and I toss and turn and then I can smell the meth… the cat piss smell if it’s good shit… the images are fed down the wire and I see huge rocks in my hand that definitely smell like cat piss… it becomes very fucking real…
Eventually the feed slows down and I catch up and think my way out of this mindfuck… somehow I fall asleep even though I never remember doing so… I just wake up.
I know there is never one last one unless that last one kills me… I’ve had my last one, December 1, 2016. It wasn’t that last last one though… the one in my dreams … it’s hard to explain except maybe another addict knows what I’m talking about.
The idea of this just one more thankfully, is just a passing idea/feeling/brain teaser… I don’t want to feel the everything I will after that shot… if I took that just one more, it wouldn’t ever end and my life would be complete shit. I think I’m lacking some gratitude at my current level of life… and in the quiet moments between it happening and it not, my addiction tries to chime in with its opinion.
Thinking of friends right now… to those I’ve lost, I miss you… to those still in it, I hope you find the strength to get out… to those out of it, keep fighting.
I called my sponsor just now. I’m resentful that I have to call him… that I can’t do this on my own… that I need help.
But, I’ve been running the show and acting as my higher power hasn’t done me a fuck of good. I suck at this role and I need to hand it over. To fucking surrender that role… surrender… I hate that fucking word.
I want to rage against surrender and against powerlessness.. I want to destroy weakness by showing how fucking strong I am… by punching holes in wall? By making others miserable? By being a dick? Fuck you Craig. Hands up… surrender you fucking asshole.
I cannot be a power greater than myself and as weak as I am at the same time… so as much as I hate that I called for help and I regret that I can’t fix myself, I am going to try this again… I’m feeling sick… I want to fucking throw up… I feel like this addiction is trying to crawl out of me and turn me inside out… it’s got a hold of me and crawling up my throat. what the fuck am I doing?
Maybe my obsession is feeding my addiction… (“duh!” says everyone who has ever read my blog and ever heard me speak about the two).
There is a pain associated with being/not being with my obsession. My desire to obsess has never been lifted like my desire to use.
How many emails, messages, conversations, texts, therapy sessions have I had in which it’s been pointed out that this relationship is unhealthy and that if she felt the same way about me as I do about her, we’d be together… in a non-destructive, non-addictive, non-insane relationship? Best guess… dozens of times.